Cabin Fever and Calorie Consumption

If you live in the Northeastern part of the United States, you know just how brutal the weather is right now.  

It was colder than Alaska at one point around here.

It's freakin' FRIGID.  

For once, I empathize with Jon Snow.

It hasn't been this bad in years, especially with the constant snowstorms, ice, and temperatures significantly below freezing.  I get in the car, go to work, maybe go out to grab food at lunch if I didn't bring anything, get in the car, and go straight home under the blanket.  It's so cold that I just want to put on jammies and ignore anything that involves actual movement.  Why the hell would I want to go back outside when I have my Sheldon Cooper sofa spot, comfy jammies, and two fuzzy blankets for the sofa?

I don't want to bring clothes with me to the gym because I hate changing in public.  I've actually gotten into a good routine of running home, jumping in my tank and yoga pants, grabbing my water, and running back out the door.  These past couple weeks have really thrown me.  I try to do some Wii dance games, but it's not enough.  I want to work my entire body on the treadmill.  And when I sit at home, I'm more tempted to consume junk.

We don't really have a lot of junk around the house anymore, but I manage to find the cookies and Hershey Kisses.  One of my problems is that I try to be so good with my main meals so I have enough calories leftover to snack.  I have significantly cut my snacking, but I still have work to do.  I have carrots and hummus in the fridge, but the Turkey Hill all natural ice cream is so much more appealing.  I have 100 calorie fat free Hershey's pudding that I end up topping with a tablespoon of chocolate chips and squirt of Reddi Whip.  That one isn't too bad until the chips turn into two tablespoons and the whipped cream is being aimed directly in the mouth because "one extra bit can't be so bad."  Right.  Tell me another one, self.  

My trainer has been working with me on the snacking.  We have discussed how even though I'm staying within the calorie range that I could be making better choices with the quality of food I'm eating.  I may do better with food that has fat versus sugar, but high sodium blows me up and makes me lethargic.  I get so focused on the calorie counting that I don't look at the big picture.  I feel like I've been in a weird plateau with the scale numbers, but I've had so much progress with how my clothes fit.  I just bought a new dress that's a size 16!!  That is absolutely major for me.  We also discussed how I need to absolutely keep tracking on MyFitnessPal as the day goes on.  I was falling into a habit of recording things at the end of the day.  I absolutely need to see what my intake is throughout the day and how I can budget out portions and treats by the end of the day.    

I want to work on being more conscious about my protein and veggies and avoiding carbs at night, but it gets hard at this time of the year.  I'm proud that I finally said Screw it and went to the gym this morning.  My joints felt so much better after I did so.  I don't want something as crazy as weather to hold me back from my goals.  I know that this month is not going to be particularly high for the scale loss and that we all go through periodic plateaus.  However, I'm going to be wearing a smaller hot ass glam dress in NYC next month, so I'm feeling pretty damn good.  

I really do love this blog because it's holding me accountable and keeping me motivated by publicly chatting about these topics.  I normally would whine and kvetch to my husband and trainer, but I think it's time that their ears get a break.  Let's just keep fingers crossed that the snow will ease up and that we'll hit a heatwave of 33 degrees soon!

Building Layers One Piece at a Time

Today I did something that I've refused to do over the last 18 years.

I layered clothing.

Hold your applause...I know, what a boring revelation, huh?

Seriously though, I was a teen in the 1990s when layering was a huge trend.  Just think of the cardigans and baby doll dresses, short sleeve shirts over long sleeved ribbed shirts, sweaters and collared shirts...it was hell for someone who didn't want add extra bulk to her body.  I felt self-conscious and uncomfortable.

As I started gaining weight, I wore short sleeve shirts in the winter because my work places were always stale and hot.  Yes, even in 12 degree weather!  My "uniform" of jeans, t-shirts, and hoodies was appropriate for fall and spring, but I wore it all year long, whether sticky or freezing.  Hide...but without bulk.
When I had to start wearing nicer clothes at the bank, I didn't always choose the most flattering pieces, and the most layering I did was an open cardigan or jacket.  Jackets are often awkward for me because of my pear shape.  I hardly ever wore sweaters because the temperature was either boiling or freezing, and I preferred cold over heat.  I would use my mini-fan every single day, no matter the temperature.

At my current office job, the thermostat still caused divisive drama, and I still used my fan daily.  As soon as I bought a new one (it was 3 years old and getting loud), I suddenly began to experience the internal body temperature change that often comes with weight loss.  Of course.  I think I used the new fan for about a month.

I started getting cold when I would go to supermarkets or movie theatres this past summer, and I really started digging around for hoodies and long sleeved shirts in the fall.  It was the strangest feeling to suddenly be cold!  Granted, our heating system had to be replaced and we were freezing during a suddenly cold October and November (the Northeast is weird lately), but I was still cold at work and after we got the new system installed.

I am usually in a sweater or covered in a blanket now.  I thrive on outerwear.  I just discovered the joy of bundling up in 3 blankets when it's below freezing at bedtime.  Socks are suddenly a necessity.  We just had another blizzard, and today was about a high of 14-18 degrees.  I dug through a bag I was going to donate and pulled out all the sweaters.  I found my bulkiest one (that I wore maybe 3 times before), put a tank top underneath, and put on leggings underneath corduroy pants and Old Navy fake Uggs.

I WORE ALL THOSE LAYERS AND STILL PUT A BLANKET ON AT HOME.

WHO AM I?!

The sweaters are size large and are still accentuating the spare tire around my waist a bit more than I'd like, but I don't care.  They fit a hell of a lot better than they used to!

Bulky and proud.

And seriously?  I could never get pants on over leggings for the past few years.  This is nothing short of amazing for me.  Major NSV!

I'm going to be writing about clothing sizes and their inconsistencies soon.  Remember these corduroys, as they will be making a big guest appearance again!  Right now, I'm just happy to be fulfilling the title of this blog as I snuggle in my cozy knit sweater on this frigid night.  

"I Look Back at Where I'm From, Look at the Woman I've Become..."

I found this really great post that went viral a year or so ago from a tumblr blog called "The Body Love Blog."  It hasn't been updated for over a year for what seems to be personal reasons.  If she had only posted the aforementioned post and nothing else, I still would give her a standing ovation.  I'm not brave enough to do what she does in that post, but a big point of my blog is to show a lady with a jiggly and imperfect fat body on her journey to getting healthy.  I don't want to show a lot of skin, but some of those pictures I've shared really don't leave much to the imagination.  There are still some things I'm keeping for me.  Chicken?  A little.  Private?  I'm an open book, but I do have boundaries.  Shy?  Most definitely!  Not ready to fend off the inevitable negativity that would come my way by anonymous chickenshit commenters?  Ding ding ding!

I hope to find the confidence that brave women like this blogger have.  I was also insulted quite a bit during childhood through my teen years.  Here are some of the hurtful things regarding weight and sexuality that I've heard over the years:

--In elementary school, I was being teased by a couple brothers in the neighborhood, and as I tried to get away and open the door, one started really pulling on my arm.  My mother tracked down his mother to confront her about his inappropriate and harmful behavior, and their mother just waved it off while saying "Boys will be boys!"  I never saw my mother ready to punch someone like I did that day.  I learned that willful bullying boys with inattentive parents are allowed to get away with anything.  They had made fun of my weight, along with another boy in a nearby neighborhood.  My father tried to intimidate the crap out of the latter boy, but the kid would yell when he saw me, "Your daddy can't help you now!!"  (Though he never really did anything but yell insults.)

--There was a short-lived TV show called Babes in 1990 that centered around three large women.  I was 9 years old and chunkier than most of the kids in my class.  I asked my emotionally and physically abusive father, "Daddy, would you still love me if I was ever that big?"  He paused for a couple beats and said, "No Chris, I wouldn't."  I know he had followup statements, but I was so stunned and hurt that I completely blocked it all from my brain.  For the record, he was a yo-yo dieter/smoker/drug addict that died of a heart attack at 38 years old.  More on that another time.

--After my father died, one of his coworkers came over to "console" my mother.  I hadn't seen him for ages and only knew him by his last name.  He said, "Oh no, you can call me 'first name' " and came upstairs.  He saw my mother and proceeded to maul her face with his tongue.  She was pushing him away, and thankfully my godfather (and fellow coworker) was over.  Thinking back, this loser was in a stained undershirt and was probably drunk.  He apparently lived nearby, and he was tickled pink that my father was dead.  He went on about this in front of a disabled, abused widow and her 10 year old daughter.  People at their work told him to stay the hell away from us, and while he did, I never forgot what happened.  I repressed it to the back of my mind, but I was horrified by the fact that someone felt like they could just come take advantage of a vulnerable woman.

--We moved to a different state where I began 6th grade in a new school.  Middle school students can be the cruelest at that ridiculously awkward phase.  I wore an awesome pair of multicolored flowered leggings and a black top on the first day of school.  A girl who lived in my development and befriended me in class came over that evening.  She snapped (I think she was legit crazy) when I said something she didn't like or agree with and started going off on me.  My mother had to come in and kick her out.  But she called me "thunder thighs," and I hardly wore leggings without a crazy huge shirt or sweatshirt ever again.

--I was a misfit outcast by 7th grade who was starting to really sneak eat at home and overeat at my grandmother's house.  There was this one kid in my class who was new but managed to win everybody over.  He would make lewd and obscene comments about what he wanted to do to my body to make the kids in the class laugh.  Once, I was squatting down in front of the coat closet and going through my schoolbag, and he draped himself over me from behind like "Hey girl, I just want to feel that," to the laughs of other students.  My male teacher was in the classroom and didn't say or do anything.  He never did.  I felt like I couldn't tell anybody.

--I was in a new school by 8th grade.  In 9th grade, I was sitting at a lunch table I didn't really care to be at, and there was a table behind me full of thuggish older guys.  One of them made it his mission to make fun of me every lunch period, and some of the girls at the next lunch table would laugh and encourage him.  One day, the ringleader of the group draped himself over me from behind (what the hell is it with these guys?!) and told me that I should go home and keep fucking my mother.  I don't remember what happened after that, but my friend and I moved to the other side of the cafeteria the next day.  Since two of the guys in the group were on my bus, I was terrified that they were going to torture me as well.  The one didn't care (and passivity is just as bad), and the other one used to try and poke at me every now and then.  One day, I heard him say "She wouldn't be too bad looking if she would just fuckin talk."  Something to that effect.  Gee, how nice that I wasn't hard on the eyes of a douchebag.  I was thought of as a chunky snob because I was shy and quiet.  The rest of high school was ok on the "fear" front, but 9th grade was seriously crappy.

--I got turned down often because guys just "wanted to be friends."  This began when I was between a size 14-16, so you can imagine what happened when the weight started packing on.

--I've had gross catcalls come my way down the streets of NYC.  You could say, "Ok, who hasn't?!" but it doesn't make it right.  It made me want to cover up my body with a hoodie and jeans and sneakers for years in the sticky summertime.  I also had one of the owners from the train newsstand constantly hit on me to the point that he said he was going to take me to his country and make me his princess.  Once he almost beat the crap out of someone for cursing in front of me.  Creepy machismo.

--Mall employees can be incredibly catty, gossipy, and awful.  I endured varied harassment at my store from 1999 through 2006.  It was one of the "cool" stores, so you were expected to just go along with the flow.  I have plenty of blog material for how the mall's junk food combined with my weak willpower and depression contributed to the weight gain, but that's for another time.  I had very low self esteem and was happy when guys actually paid attention to me.  I would cling to nearly anyone at my store who wanted to give me the time of day.  There was one guy that, in retrospect, was such a disgusting pig that I don't know why I let him near me.  He kept trying to get me to sleep with him (I didn't), and he would inappropriately grab me all the time.  I didn't think it was a big deal because he was kinda cute and charming, but (once again, what the hell!), he came in the store some time after he quit, snuck up behind me and started dry humping me in the back of the store.  I pushed him off with a laugh, and yet I still felt flattered.  I allowed myself to be treated like a piece of meat in that store by men far too often, and it's all because I was ashamed of my weight and thought no one would want me.

Tonight, I learned from these anecdotes that guys often tried to attack me from behind.  No wonder I prefer my husband to be the big spoon and to keep me safe from behind.  I've had various "naked in public" dreams over the years, but after I met my husband, he would appear in these dreams to hold and cover me.  I know he has my back if others try to attack.

Damn, this blog is really therapeutic.

I was very wary of people for so long and desperately didn't want to be a misfit.  By the time I got to college and started opening my mind (and gaining the weight), I resigned myself to being the "fat funny friend."  Now, I embrace being a geeky misfit.  I want to be a soft, curvy, retro styled kind of gal.  I'm tempted to get tattooed lyrics from the song "Midnight Radio" from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I am finally coming to terms with myself as a woman who demands and deserves respect no matter what size I am or what tight pants I happen to be wearing.

Rain falls hard
Burns dry
A dream
Or a song
That hits you so hard
Filling you up
And suddenly gone

Breathe Feel Love
Give Free
Know in you soul
Like your blood knows the way
From you heart to your brain
Know that you're whole

And you're shining
Like the brightest star
A transmission
On the midnight radio
And you're spinning
Like a 45
Ballerina
Dancing to your rock and roll

Here's to Patti
And Tina
And Yoko
Aretha
And Nona
And Nico
And me

And all the strange rock and rollers
You know you're doing all right
So hold on to each other
You gotta hold on tonight

And you're shining
Like the brightest stars
A transmission
On the midnight radio

And you're spinning
Your new 45's
All the misfits and the losers
Yeah, you know you're rock and rollers
Spinning to your rock and roll

Lift up your hands

"It's alright, I'm alright, just dance, gonna be ok..."

Last Friday, I posted about my experiences with Just Dance 3 and how I have no rhythm at all.  I did a session of Just Dance 2 to the amusement of my husband on Wednesday (hey, my "Crazy In Love" Beyonce moves are amazing), and he remarked on how I was nowhere near as sweaty or out of breath like I once was.  I felt good and decided that I should integrate dance into my week more.  Zumba and Amazon Prime streaming were recommended by friends, and while I'm definitely going to look into those, I stumbled upon my unopened Gold's Gym Wii Dance Workout.

I completely forgot that I got this for free by using debit card points!  What a fun discovery!  I popped it in the Wii and skipped the tutorials (as per usual, I'd rather jump in and flail and get a cardio burn while figuring things out along the way.)  Well, I did try a 2 minute salsa tutorial....they have Salsa, Samba, Cumbia, Reggaeton, and Merengue styles.  

Yeah.  This is me when I first try to move my hips and follow dance steps:

Then I get focused and ready to take on those cross-turn-cross-turn-step-2-whatever.

While I envision of becoming this....

I really look more like this...

I try to keep my footwork moving so I can get a burn going, but I look absolutely ridiculous.  I will never judge the Dancing With the Stars contestants so harshly again because I have a really hard time keeping up with music and steps and leading with the wrong foot.  It was really frustrating to keep up with the "trainer" for the first few songs, and I was not a happy camper.  By the time I got to "Smooth," I realized that there was a lot of well-guided repetition and that I wasn't doing horribly.  Plus, I was really working up a sweat.

This is my trainer:

And this is an example of what the dance workouts look like.

I did all the beginner songs:  

"Stronger"- Britney Spears

"Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)"- C&C Music Factory

"Waiting for Tonight"- Jennifer Lopez

"Smooth"- Santana & Rob Thomas

"Just Dance"- Lady Gaga

A Latin techno song (I can't remember the name, and Google is not being helpful)

I was so focused on the dancing that I didn't realize there were other activities to play on there like cardio boxing!  Yeah, I did the "Good Vibrations" beginner boxing.  I don't turn down an opportunity to move while Marky Mark attempts to rap.  It made me miss the cardio kickboxing class I took with a friend 4 years ago, so I hope to integrate more of this after the dancing.

What I really like about the game is how they give you a running total of your calorie burn.  They also let you know the food equivalent of your calorie burn, and that's a good motivation to keep dancing.  I compared it to my Fitbit and my results were within 8 calories!

I'm still going to compare my Fitbit, but I am really impressed with the Gold's Gym Dance accuracy!

(P.S., how cute is my new Fitbit cover? It's so incredibly 1980s.  And look, it's happy with my cardio!)

It's interesting that the calorie burn between Gold's Gym Dance and Just Dance are nearly identical, yet I felt more exertion during Gold's Gym Dance.  I think the difference is that Just Dance doesn't have someone telling you what to do, and it feels more like a fun party game where you might pick up a few sweet moves.(and a bunch of lame ones!) Gold's Gym Dance has vocal guidance and a better guide for which foot to lead with and the upcoming moves.  It encourages you to really move your hips and get your arms to flow while you do "basic" footwork.  I felt like I was actually toning while dancing, and that got my heart rate up and my sweat dripping.  

I totally had to step outside in the freezing air with water...maybe it wasn't the smartest idea to dance in a light sweater.

I'm not going to stop Just Dance, but I'm definitely going to alternate the games more.  Plus, Gold's Gym Dance gets me doing a couple old school moves I was always good at. (and can't name, dammit!)  This will also hold me until I can get the Just Dance with a calorie burn on the screen, and since both games are made by the same company, now I know that number will be accurate!

After all that googling for old school moves, I have to go teach myself the Roger Rabbit now...I couldn't do it in '92, so let's see if I can do it at 33!

The Personal Work Drawer, or What Satisfies the Midday Nosh

A special drawer for food and necessities is a part of making yourself at home in your workplace.  I didn't really use my locker for food at the mall, but I used my locker for a few things at the bank.  Once I hit the office environment (and finally got my own desk), I started to stock the bottom right drawer with a revolving selection of personal items.

Naturally, I have Alleve or Advil there at all times, and I have a growing collection of napkins and wrapped plastic utensils from random takeout places. I bought pretty Post-Its and pens that I hide under plastic bags so no one can snitch them from me.  I like to have some food in the office because you never know when you'll get caught up in work or if you just need a mid-afternoon boost. (And yes, I keep it clean and crumb free, I don't want to find new little friends!)

Let's take a look at the current necessities in my drawer!  I am not shilling any of these items, just sharing what I enjoy right now.

I have this just in case I'm running late in the morning or can't run out to grab lunch.  I used to only eat the Trader Joe's apple cinnamon brand at this office (Quaker at the bank), but I like this one because there's a lot more nutrients.  

I've kept this in my desk since the bank days.  I like to have it on hand in case I bring french vanilla yogurt to work.  I eat yogurt in waves...lately I've found it's just too damn sugary (and I just can't do plain).  I'd rather have my fruit in my smoothie.  

Yeah, I've obviously eaten a lot of Wendy's chili at this job...it's probably the best thing to get when you don't have time for anything besides the drive through window.  Low calorie, protein, fiber, and probably other ingredients I don't want to know about, but it's still the lesser evil.   Anyway, they always throw too many cracker packets in the bag, and I save them in case I need a nibble.  It was really helpful when I was getting over a stomach bug recently!  On that note...

Seriously, you never know when you're going to need these!  Zantac is probably more effective, but I like that these have calcium.

I've tried different teas over the years but have a hard time finding ones that I want to keep drinking.  K-Cup teas are really strong, and I prefer to dip a teabag (insert childish giggle).  Green tea is one of the best beverages in terms of antioxidants, and I started drinking this kind in the new year.  It's really good!  Very delicate.  I try to have it every afternoon.

My trainer is trying to get me to have more balanced snacks, and I enjoy having string cheese and an apple.  I get a bag of organic gala apples and Trader Joe's organic lite string cheese to last over a week.  My smoothie has peanut butter, and I have to be in the mood to eat nuts. (more childish giggling)  My trainer woke me up to the fact that my body responds best to protein based foods and crashes with just carbs.  One of my big challenges this year is to find and maintain a balance in meals.  

Hey, at least I don't constantly have lowfat potato chips and reduced fat Cheez-Its in my drawer anymore.  I like having a little something "bad" in my drawer because then it will prevent me from dipping into any office candy or cookie dishes.  I have found that quality dark chocolate is so satisfying, and I love getting unique treats from Trader Joe's.  That pretty much ensures no high fructose corn syrup, which is another major plus!  These powerberries have been out of stock for awhile at my local Trader Joe's, and I was so excited when I saw them on the shelf today.  And yes, I keep a 1/4 measuring cup in my drawer so I can measure the perfect serving.  I also eat ice cream at home out of a 1/2 measuring cup.  

However, I will have a box of Girl Scout Lemonade cookies in my drawer next week, thanks to my co-worker's daughter.  I eat one after lunch in the afternoon.  My other co-worker with a sweet tooth can't believe my willpower, and I may have to watch for sticky fingers...

Now that I've managed to ramble about 7 simple items, what keeps you going during the day at work?

"Do your pants hang low, do they wobble to the floor..."

The gym sucks in January.  My gym isn't typically very packed, but everybody comes out of the woodwork in the new year.  By February, tumbleweeds drift through the lines of treadmills and ellipticals.

I actually couldn't get a treadmill tonight.  I was especially annoyed because I took 30 seconds to fill my water bottle before purposely moving towards the one free treadmill, but the guy who materialized from the other direction was 2 steps closer.  At least 3 of the treadmills were out of service, and the little one I tried to program froze weirdly.  Despite my frustration, I was not about to leave.  So I jumped on the elliptical, and holy hell!  They look so easy, but I was really feeling it after 3 minutes.  Happily, one of the employees nudged me to let me know a treadmill had just opened.

I jumped on and began my slow jog.  Suddenly, I felt my pants slipping down my hips.  I hiked them up, but the same thing happened less than a minute later.  I thought maybe it was my underwear material, but there's no way that underwear could cause that much slippage.  I started getting annoyed as I hiked my pants up like a little kid playing dress-up.  I can't even imagine what the people around me were thinking.  It was really distracting, and I didn't enjoy my jog tonight.  

On the bright side...my pants are falling down!!  You don't understand, these are the oddly cut yoga capris from the Old Navy online plus-size store that put me on the verge of camel toe in my wedding "getting ready" pictures.  I've worn them for two years, and now I can pull them up to my chest.  I look like Bill Hader doing an impression of Clint Eastwood.

"I've had it up to HERE!"

Naturally, I had to document this occasion.  

Pants hanging normally.  Aren't they such weird high-waters?

Pants hitching down the hips quickly.

SO. MUCH. ROOM.  Enjoy my mismatched fuzzy socks.

April 28, 2012.  The overhanging gut...the thing I feared more than anything while the weight piled up.

Farewell size 2X Womens Plus badly cut pants that went from constricting to indecent...you will now strictly be weekend loungewear.  I promise to do laundry frequently and have no excuse to wear you in public, even when the tumbleweeds float back into the gym.  

"I already have a drink...do you think he'll buy me mozzarella sticks?"

The Golden Globes are tonight, and I am a sucker for awards shows.  I'm just a pop culture junkie, even though I don't go to see movies in the theatre as much as I would like anymore.  The Golden Globes in particular are a blast because there's alcohol at all the tables, and the celebrities get increasingly drunk as the night progresses.  Last year, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler (AKA GODDESSES) hosted and essentially owned the entire night.  They have been asked to host again tonight and next year as well.

I mean...

And they even managed to upstage Neil Patrick Harris at the 2013 Emmys!

I have a bit of a hero worship for Tina Fey.  Her character of Liz Lemon on 30 Rock was eerily like me at times.  Her love of food, her need to be at home watching TV with extra carbs, her odd obsession with stationary stores, her need to be a non-traditional bride, and her penchant for impromptu dance parties....Liz Lemon is my TV soulmate.  I don't care for her bullying tendency and the fact that she doesn't surround herself with positive women, but I can overlook that in the well-developed character since Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are besties in real life and absolutely perfect and hilarious together.  I mean, I need this Busted Tees t-shirt:

I used to be quite a bit like Liz Lemon with my ravenous appetite. I still hate the running gag that characters like her and Grace Adler from Will & Grace can eat you out of house and home and still be thin as anything.  Damn you, TV.  But that's a topic for a later time.  Here are moments that I sadly related to for years (but I will still cut you if you take my sandwich):

And then you finally come to this realization...

Here's the most embarrassing of all for me:

I may never have unhinged my jaw to shotgun an entire pizza like Liz, but I came close one night.  I'm going to share one of my most embarrassing stories as an example of how my stomach was a never-ending pit for awhile there.

My husband's group of friends came over one night years ago, and they all really like junk food.  We ordered delivery from the nearby pizza pub, and I got a regular sized pepperoni and mushroom stromboli.  Their medium strombolis can easily be split between two people, especially since they're so rich.  I had a long day at work and had eaten lunch and everything, but I just really wanted the greasy cheesy delicious comfort.  I inhaled the entire stromboli in about 10 minutes and had a Weight Watchers ice cream sandwich in my hand after I threw the carton away.  I looked across the room and saw that the biggest guy in the room wasn't even close to being done his stromboli.

Now I will only get a stromboli once or twice a year as a special treat, and I immediately cut it in half so I can't be tempted for more.  

This is half the stromboli I had this past June.  My trainer almost had an aneurysm when she saw the estimated nutritional content on my diary sheets.  Stromboli and fried chicken are my two super special treat foods.  I was humiliated when I saw just how fast I could inhale food and barely even taste it.  I'm trying to enjoy and taste my food and not wonder when it's time for dessert.

This past year was really about breaking my habits, and I'm still learning balance and moderation.  I love Liz Lemon, but I don't have to "become" her.  I will forever love Tina Fey and hope that I can even accomplish a fraction of what she's done with her career.  One day at a time!    

The Self-Deprecation Trap and Why I Love Lena Dunham

I saw a friend today whom I haven't seen since Halloween.  As he hugged me, he exclaimed over how much weight I've lost and how he's been following this blog on Facebook.  I kinda brushed it off with a laugh while saying, "Well yeah, I'm just getting really self-involved all over the internet!"

I thought for a few seconds and took that statement back.  "No...I'm not being self-involved.  Why on earth did I just say that?"  He affirmed that I was being silly with the previous statement.

If I may act like Carrie Bradshaw for a moment, I couldn't help but wonder...why do women often tend to downplay or brush off their accomplishments?

I have talked about this with a few friends over the year, and I hated that my low self-esteem made me automatically joke about how I'm navel-gazing and focusing too much on myself.  Why wouldn't I want to better myself?  Why would I consider this to be embarrassing and immodest?

My trainer told me months ago that I'm going to have to start taking compliments gracefully.  I tend to be one of those people who go "Oh no no no" when someone gives me a nice compliment rather than saying "Thank you so much, that's very kind."  I'm working on that.  At least I was able to recognize my behavior today and laugh about it with a good friend.  And the funny thing is, I normally wouldn't get modest around this friend.  I'd usually go for a high-five and a big YEAAH!  I felt like I had to defend my choices for some reason, perhaps because I just posted those unflattering pictures of my stomach in the purple tank top.  And of course, I had to start making jokes about that.

Damn.  Good thing I still see my therapist.

I feel confident over doing these blog posts and freed by the pictures I've been posting.  Yet, I know the internet can be a nasty place where people rip apart pictures of ladies who aren't "perfect," especially when they're overweight.  I'm sure I'll see some comments in the future (that will immediately be deleted), and I'm sure there are some people out there now who think I'm being too open.  But I feel like there needs to be pictures of a fat woman working hard on losing weight in order to become curvy and fit.  I want to show women in similar situations that they're not alone.

I don't like seeing memes where it says that only "real women" have curves and that skinny girls need to eat a sandwich.  I believe we're all real women with different shapes and features and should be celebrated as such.  I just don't like when people push to get to an unhealthy and impossible body standard.  There are many unrealistic images in Hollywood and a lot of airbrushing and Photoshop going on in the media.

I love Lena Dunham, and I think her nudity on Girls is a very important statement.  I know people get annoyed over how often she disrobes, but I doubt they would be complaining if Allison Williams was eating cupcakes naked in the tub or if Zosia Mamet was the one playing naked ping pong with Patrick Wilson.  Dunham just recently had to defend herself during a Girls Season 3 press conference about her constant nudity:

"It's a realistic expression of what it's like to be alive.  If you are not into me that's your problem and you are going to have to kind of work that out."  

Dunham is hardly overweight.  She looks like any girl you'd pass on the street and has no problems showing off areas with some jiggle or cellulite.  She is not a perfect hourglass and she has really questionable choices in clothing (both in real life and as her character Hannah).

Hannah looked so cute in the first season...

I totally got her when Adam was getting her to exercise (and love the worn out clothes!)

And then she began regressing to shorteralls, rompers, and just anything tight and unflattering in the second season...

I'm sorry, I hate the outfit (WHERE ARE YOUR POCKETS?!), but I did not find the Patrick Wilson episode to be unrealistic or that Lena just hired him because she "could."

Basically, Lena hates pants in both fictional and real life.

She looks gorgeous when styled properly.  I could see myself wearing this outfit.

Lena Dunham stands up for all the "average sized" girls and allows herself to be exposed and vulnerable all over cable and the media.  Many criticize Hannah as a Brooklyn hipster or a "special snowflake," a term I've seen on many message boards, but I really don't mind those quirks  As Hannah, she falls into both the navel gazing and self-deprecation traps, and while I don't always agree with her choices, I respect the fact that she is trying to grow as a person for herself and no one else.  

I'm not trying to compare what I'm doing on this blog to what Lena Dunham does in Hollywood, but she's unknowingly encouraged me to start developing a thicker skin and to be unafraid of body criticism.  Anyone who sits and trolls on the internet has no life anyway.  I still haven't answered my Carrie Bradshaw musing, but I hope to find more answers as I work on accepting compliments and building my confidence in every area of my life.

"Cotton candy, sweet and low, let me see that tootsie roll..."

I love to dance.

LOVE.

One of the most important things for me in our wedding planning was that the reception be a huge dance party.  I worked with the DJ closely, and he honored all my music wishes.  Nearly everyone got on the dance floor at some point which meant the world to me.  I am in love with our reception pictures and have the best memories from that entire day.

The bottom right picture emphasizes why I wanted a tea length dress.  Swingy!

That mini-collage proves that I have a great love for dancing, but no coordination or rhythm whatsoever.  It's funny because a lot of people in my family are good dancers, and my grandmother was even a professional dancer with her own school in 1940s NYC.  

I tended to be shy in club atmospheres when I was single, but after I met my husband, my hips and feet started going out of control when there's an opportunity to dance.  I've even broken him out of his shell.

I always think I look like this...

But I really look more like this...

So, I may not have the sweetest moves or can easily grasp choreography, but that doesn't stop me!  And let me tell you something-  you can really burn a decent amount of calories even by doing a video game like Just Dance for a half hour.  The only thing is that you actually have to move your legs despite the Wii controller only sensing the hand motions.  That's how you get the sweat and calorie burn going, because let's face it, anyone could perfect the arm motions while standing still.  I don't do this to win the game; I just like to have fun and burn calories when I don't feel like going to the gym.  I haven't done it for awhile, but I decided to try it again tonight while I was alone and really able to throw some sass into the movements while flailing like a spaz.  I know, if only you were a fly on the wall!

(I know I could just turn on my iPod shuffle and start dancing, but I like having structure and a guide when the intent is to burn calories.  Shame that you can't just turn on MTV anymore!)

I really need to upgrade to Just Dance 4 so I can see the calorie burn on the screen, but I'm happy checking it on my Fitbit.  209 calories in 25-30 minutes!  Not too shabby.  More than I burn sitting and watching Big Bang Theory, you know?

(None of these screencaps are mine.)

I warmed up with "Baby One More Time."  It's hilariously easy.

Eased into "California Gurls."  This one cracks me up with all the "sultry retro" poses.  Don't be fooled, it really works the arms!

"Party Rock Anthem"...hadn't done this in awhile, forgot how raver-esque the moves are.  Not my favorite.

"I Don't Feel Like Dancing."  Whew, for someone who doesn't want to dance, this one really gets the heart rate up! (Love Scissor Sisters!)

"Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)."  Not as hardcore as you'd think.  It just really made me realize how the Running Man gets harder when you have boobs. (I was 10 when it was popular, ok?)

"Let's Go to the Mall."  I'm still shocked they put Robin Sparkles (How I Met Your Mother) on Just Dance!  I absolutely love it, and the moves are more intricate than you'd think!  The captions are ridiculous because instead of "Gretzky," it says "Brettsky."  WHAT?!  Hey Ubisoft, you do realize you can Google the lyrics?!

Normally I'd include "Apache" on there, but I didn't feel like jumping tonight.  I have to include a picture because it's just so ridiculously offensive!

You know you want to watch Will and Carlton now.

Mixing it up is fun, and I'm trying to remember that the dancing I just did is not the lazy person's way out of exercise.  When you have a sheen of sweat on your face and you have to roll up your pants and walk outside in the freezing winter weather for a minute, you know you definitely got the heart rate up, and I'd say that's a success.  I just have to keep this momentum going.