September- December: Catching Up

I've been disappointed in myself for not doing a quick monthly update.  However, life really kicked me in the butt, and I've had a lot of time to reflect.  

I got laid off on October 10.  As alluded to in previous posts, this job was sucking the life out of me.  I regret that it only lasted for 4 months, but I don't regret taking the position.  If anything, I have learned a lot about my needs, wants, and non-negotiables in job searching.  It's been a welcome mental break, but I absolutely hate having a job gap for the first time in 7 years.  However, it was very eerily timed.

I just had to get my grandmother into an assisted living facility in early December, and there has been a lot of craziness with that, along with getting the albatross of a property sold.  I'm not going into all those details, it's too personal and too turbulent.  Just know it's the biggest headache and wallet drainer.  She went into the hospital for over a week after 10 days of being in the facility.  She wasn't discharged until Christmas Eve.  Needless to say, I haven't been especially jolly this holiday season.  I'm both looking forward to and scared to death about the new year.  

2014 was pretty much rock bottom in so many ways.  I'm not even sure I was this stressed when my mother died in 2010.  However, the best thing we could have done was get our precious kitties at the end of August.  I can't believe I haven't even talked about them!  Their names are Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, and they are 2-year-old brother and sister tabbies.  My allergies are off the charts with cats, but I love kitties, and my husband is such a cat man.  He waited for years until I felt secure enough to adopt.  So far, my allergies have been fine, I just have to be diligent about taking Claritin every day.  And I don't care if I'm a bit more congested and/or sniffly, our babies are worth it.  

Luke and Leia.  Practically twins, but she has more delicate facial features.

Leia is a lap kitty and my shadow. She is a 8 pound space heater, loves playing with her mousies, and chattering out the window. She gets jealous when Luke comes for love, but we're working on that.

Luke is such a sweet, shy, loving boy.  He has opened up so much, likes to snuggle and play (though he is not as curiously naughty as his sister!) and really gets vocal, especially at dinner time. 

These kitties have prevented me from having 5395 panic attacks over these past few months.  Don't be surprised to see them pop up in the future!

All of this craziness completely sent my routine out the window.  I have learned that I am a person who desperately needs a routine during the week.  I started getting very bad habits again.  My trainer was kind enough to give me a workout to do while I can't see her, but I've done it maybe 3 times.  I hardly go to the gym even though it's 24/7 and I have so much time for once.  I've only had a few smoothies and have slipped back into bad food choices while erratically updating MyFitnessPal.  My FitBit battery died, and I didn't care.  I'm just in the WHATEVER mode that sent me to the high weight that I was for so many years.  Depression does that to me.  I almost wish I was in the strange August mood when I didn't want to eat.  Yeah, well, holidays aren't helping either.

By October 25, I was officially down 60 pounds.  SIXTY POUNDS.  That was the day of our Halloween party.  I dressed up as Velma Kelly from Chicago, and I never felt better in my life.

My trainer made me do this side-by-side for comparison.

I felt amazing.  So many of our friends were freaking out and I got some of the nicest compliments.  It wasn't just the insane punch that made me tear up that evening.  I was so happy that so many people were there and that we were just going crazy.  I needed that so badly after getting kicked so badly a couple weeks prior.

But then came the Halloween leftovers.  Oh boy.  I went on a carb rampage for a week.  Normally, I might have ditched most of it, but I was in the "WE MUST BUDGET AND SAVE AND EAT EVERY LAST MORSEL" mode.  (Actually, I'm still that way.)  This isn't a bad thing...but I really didn't need to pack it all away myself.

My 34th birthday was on November 23.  I may have been a couple pounds heavier, but I still looked cute.  I love these side-by-side shots of the last three birthdays.

32-34.  A friend said it looks like 3 different people.  I love that.

Then came December.  I wouldn't eat in the morning and then would pack it in at night.  I may have also become addicted to doughnuts, Mountain Dew, and Taco Bell during this time period.  Sigh.  This is what happens when you have to go cheaper than Chipotle (if even eating out at all).  When I started logging into MyFitnessPal again, I was upset to see I was eating at least 450 calories more per day than my usual goal.  Combine that with not being too active...yeah.  The pounds are going to come back.  Then everything happened the week before Christmas right as I was baking...sigh again.  

I'm not happy with myself at all right now.  I still fit into my clothes and my size 16 pants, but I've gained between 7-9 pounds since my ultimate low on Halloween.  This scares me because it shows just how easily I can slip if I'm not being mindful, organized, and in a routine.  It also shows what can happen when my activity level drops.  My body feels like ass right now.  I desperately need to start fresh and eat lots of vegetables, protein, tea, and smoothies while going to the gym.  Sure, my clothes  from last year are still mostly hanging on me, but I can feel the change in my face.  The heaviness around my stomach.  The general lethargy.  It's awful, and I refuse- REFUSE- to go backwards.  

I've decided not to generally focus so much on scale numbers.  My monthly wrap-ups will include more than just pounds.  This is something I've been mulling over for awhile.  I may not have lost 41 pounds in a year like I did in 2013, but does that mean I was a failure?  Hell no!  I lost so many inches and got so much stronger and fitter.  My doctor is so thrilled with my progress and doesn't care about things like BMI.  She wants me to go to the gym to work out the stress and to keep focusing on inches.  I will certainly post weight loss numbers when I hit goals, but I don't think it's a good idea to drive myself crazy with it.  I will still record on MyFitnessPal, but I don't need to document every last wave and valley on the blog.  Success is most definitely not a straight line.  

I need to get through this week and then officially start my life over again on January 1.  Many people poo-poo New Years resolutions, but I'd like to point out that I said I would change my life on January 1, 2013.  Check out how much has changed for the better nearly 2 years later.  I'm going to keep going.  Ideally, I had another 36 pounds more to lose after the 60 mark.  Right now, I'm not going to worry about that.  I'm going to break my huge 15 year long goal down into two 10 pound goals.  I just want to achieve that goal so badly, I can taste it.  I was only 10 pounds away on October 25.  I'm not going to let this setback discourage me.  I've proven I can get that low once, and I will do it again!  I will also be blogging and checking in on the Facebook page quite a bit more.  Check that out and follow, as I always have blog updates and other random pix and whatnot.  

Now....pictures!  Not quite as many as there should be, but that's ok.

yup, that was pretty much late August into September.

September

The effects of not eating.  I was small but miserable.

(Yes, my husband is allowing me to use his non-Joker image on here, haha.  Hi hubby!)

Clothes hanging.

At a Ren Faire.  The day I realized I could rock a shorter haircut.

Cause let's face it, my hair was just getting awful.

Ta-da!!!!  I modeled it after Lena Headey's hair, and it worked perfectly.

She's so purty.

August 2012 vs September 2014. 

I got into Old Navy sweetheart size 16 jeans!  Still comfy despite the gain.  Sweetheart is great for pear shapes and curves, plus it has a nice normal mid-rise.

Feeling good.

Doing my best Lisa Loeb impression.

Well damn, looks like I'm gonna have to get a new Aerosmith shirt...

October

October sucked, didn't take many pix till Halloween.  One of the times I went to the gym.

...and all that jazz!

My husband was Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.  Everyone's costumes were fantastic.

This is a good summary of my current home life.  (With Leia)

November

Voting day!  

A video where I jogged 3/4 mile on an outside trail to thank everyone for getting me to 300 followers (now at 350!).  I definitely walked a lot of parts.  Outdoors is definitely different than the treadmill!

A side-by-side that makes me super happy.

Fastest mile ever at 15:18, woooo!!!!

It sounds silly, but this is the first time these boots have been loose on me in over 4 years.  I normally have to get them on Zappos or at Torrid for wide calves.  This made me so happy.

The push-up challenge!  This is only a couple minutes and makes me laugh.  Enjoy my music choice!

Last workout before my birthday.  Obviously Hedwig has been getting me through much of this year.

Birthday!  I think I look younger now.  It also helps that I'm actually filling in my eyebrows.

My husband has treated me like a queen this year and always.  He is the absolute best.

December

Morning kisses with the Luke.

Feeling good after my workout.  Now if only I would do that more often...

This was taken on December 18 before the holiday eats really kicked in.  I can't even keep these pj pants up anymore.  Blows my mind how much smaller they were back in December 2012.

August Progress Numbers and Wrap Up

Yes, I know, it's September 15 and I'm only just getting around to August's numbers.

It's going to have to be a short post this time.  I don't even have the proper compare/contrast picture because it's been so busy.

Numbers!

August Weight Loss:  -3 pounds
2014 Weight Loss:  -17 pounds
Total Weight Loss:  -58 pounds

I'm pretty damn happy with that, although I'm not thrilled about the fact that I don't eat when I'm stressed now.  And I'm very often stressed.

Guys, 2014 has been the craziest damn year.  I have so much that I want to post, but I'm just exhausted at night!

I have a Facebook page for this blog.  You are more than welcome to follow that, as I tend to post pix on there.  I'm at work now, so I don't have my folder of August pix with me.  I will share one that I recently posted on my Sweaters & Smoothies Facebook.  And for the record, I'm already wearing a hoodie, but I've been terrible about my smoothies.  :-(   I'm going to blame the j-o-b.  Seriously guys, it's been 3 months and I need to get out.  It's just not what I expected it to be.

A few quick things:

-We got 2 new cats at the end of August!!!!  Expect to hear about them later.
-I'm going to actually do a sexy Halloween costume.  Velma Kelly from Chicago, here I come.  "And all that jazz."
-My husband can lift and hold me off the ground.  I think that's my favorite NSV of all.

When I posted the left picture exactly 4 years ago, I was about 10 lbs and a few inches heavier than I am today on the right. I said in the caption back then that today was the start of continuing my weight loss. Then as life went crazy in every draining way possible, I swiftly gained back the 45 lost pounds and then some.

Today, on the right, I am 58 pounds and a lot of inches down from my highest weight ever. I am at my lowest number since...I'm going to say maybe 2000? 2001? Life may once again be crazy draining (in different ways), but I can't let it hold me back. I see the happiness and the change in me, and I know the way I went about it this time is the correct lifestyle changing way. Looking forward to the next 35 lbs, no matter how long it takes.

July Progress Numbers and Wrap Up

I didn't intend for this to be almost a week late, but once again, life has proven itself to be unpredictable and crazy.  I didn't get as many pictures this month either, but that's probably because my hair has looked like ass.  Thanks, humidity!

Let's get to the numbers, as I am SUPER excited!  I finally broke my 2 month gain/plateau, and it feels amazing.  I am one pound away from the lowest Weight Watchers number back in 2009, and then my first huge goal is ridiculously attainable.  

Weight:  -3
2014 Weight loss: 14 pounds
Weight loss:  55 pounds

Back on track!  Hooray!  It's even more exciting since I've barely been able to get to the gym more than once a week.  I want to, but I have a lot of family crap going on right now.  That crap has been like a domino effect since May.

July 4 was a lot of fun.  I don't even think I overate!

Like kids again with sparklers!  It was such a beautiful day.  

I've been making more of an effort to get outside this summer.  I'm crazy busy at my new job now, but I make a point to go outside for at least 5-10 minutes every day, even just to walk the big parking lot while checking my phone.  The burst of vitamin D feels good.

Not weight loss related, but I upgraded to a 5C and it's so prettyyyyy.  I named it Miss Hedwig.  Yes, I name my gadgets, what of it?  I had to take a picture since my color/style coordination was a complete coincidence.  This phone is so much faster and has a great camera, so it will be helpful as a weight loss tool.

Wearing a shirt that used to make me look like a puffball.  I look upset, but I was actually surprised.

The day I got back on track with my running...only to be forced off again shortly thereafter.  Sigh.

We went to NYC to see Rocky: The Musical for a second time before it closes in mid-August.  Yes, that's my husband standing next to me- he approved the use of this picture.  A friend took this sneak shot of me wildly gesturing while talking to Rocky himself, Andy Karl.  Yeah, I'm pretty dramatic.  Shocking, huh?  I was surprised at how much I actually like this picture of me.  I actually don't mind the way my back looks.  And of course I'm going to like any picture involving me and Andy.  This was also the day that we ran throughout the city as I discussed in my last entry.

We saw Of Mice and Men with James Franco and Chris O'Dowd that night.  Of course I had to stage door, especially considering Franco's obsession with Instagram and selfies.  The security actually briefed the crowd on how to take a proper selfie.  LOLZ forever.  I took a bunch of pix of him looking like a slithering creepoid in his hat and glasses as he slithered past everyone, but I'm going to post this one as I'm doing the OMGJAMESFRANCO face.  He's been on my top 10 for years.  Freaks & Geeks forever, man.

My last post involved a comparison picture of 2011 vs 2014, and I'd like to post a bigger version of the recent 2014 pic.

I don't know why I had an obsession with spaghetti straps when there was so much fat on my upper body.  It's nice to see that it doesn't look like the straps are disappearing anymore.  Mind you, I do have thick bra straps in this recent shot.  Is it wrong that I don't care about bra straps when I'm not at work?  I try to make sure that they match or blend with the shirt...

Total awesomeness.  The left picture was in 2011 (the same vacation as the above comparison picture), and now the shorts are falling off me.  My black shorts are in hot pursuit.  

Perhaps my biggest NSV in awhile.  I could never wear those exercise shorts outside the house for years since they would always ride up my thighs.  Now they're loose and I could go to the gym in them while stopping to do a couple errands on the way home.  That was an awesome feeling.  Stacy London and Clinton Kelly would be pissed at me for going out and about in this outfit, but I don't care...it felt good!

Hoping to have another picture after the treadmill this month, and hoping that it won't be just one time!  I need August to pick up.  I can't believe we're in the 8th month.  Where the HELL is time going?

"Running to the future, with you right by my side"

I'm really not much of a runner.

I can actually get up to 4 mph now on the treadmill, but it's not one of my favorite pastimes.  I enjoy the challenge, but as of now, I'm just doing it to gain endurance, burn calories, and strengthen my lungs and heart.  It doesn't really give me a high right now or feed my soul like I see it do for other true runners.  I just stick to the treadmill for now because I won't overdo my pace and get tired early.

I jog because it's something I never thought I was capable of doing.  In high school, I had around a 12-14 minute mile and was always one of the last stragglers during the required phys ed mile test.  Mind you, I was also around 160 pounds back then.

Over the years, my endurance grew very poor, especially with the weight gain and poor choices.  If I had to run down a train platform (especially in the cold weather), I would be out of breath and coughing for most of the 90 minute ride.  Getting up and down multiple subway steps while carrying luggage almost made me pass out one day.  I had to call a friend to come save me.  It was humiliating, but in a small defense, I was getting turned around in circles and ended up in Brooklyn at one point.

I quickly lost 45 pounds in 2009 when doing Weight Watchers.  I only focused on points rather than integrating exercise.  My mother's death at the end of 2010 broke my plateau for the worst.  I had gained back about 15 pounds by that point, but I packed it all back on by the end of 2011.  We got engaged in November 2011 and married in April 2012.  I started a new job after the honeymoon and gained another 7 pounds by my friend's wedding in July 2012.  As you know, if you read my first post, November 2012 was my breaking point and I officially began my current journey in January 2013.

My mother died on a chilly, but clear, December night.  It was 3 weeks after my 30th birthday.  She had chronic Multiple Sclerosis for over 30 years and went into the ER on Friday for a minor emergency we thought would be cleared after the weekend.  She went into cardiac arrest on Saturday afternoon, and the next 7 hours of my life were a surreal nightmare.  She died at 12:35 am on Sunday morning.

We had gone home around 9 pm to pick up meds, phone chargers, and to try and get a little bit of sleep.  Naturally, we weren't sleeping.  We were in bed with the TV on, and me and Mom's favorite movie was on.  I started crying and insisted on watching.  Around 11:30, the hospital called me and told us to come as she was in bad shape.  There was no way she'd make it to surgery.  We turned off the movie and started quietly getting dressed and left the house.  There was no sense of urgency like there was in the afternoon.  We figured there would be some more hours of torture.  10 minutes later, they call me back to let me know that she was crashing and did we want to resuscitate.  I'm driving, couldn't find her living will earlier, and was on the other line with my grandmother.  I start flipping out and put the doctor on hold to ask my grandmother.  We were both screaming helplessly and didn't know what to do.  I went back to the doctor and just started screaming YES YES, WHATEVER.

We get to the hospital and park in the normal pay garage.  Little did I know that the entrance to the hospital was locked on that end.  Rather than pay and drive around to the ER lot (we really weren't thinking clearly), we start running around the hospital to another door while I was on the phone with the doctor.  She tried to meet us at one entrance, but everything was locked and out of her control.  We had to get around the big hospital to the ER.

And I couldn't run.  It wasn't that chilly, it was a little wet out, but I couldn't run.  I may have been crying a little, but that shouldn't have been holding up my lungs.  I had to stop and power walk, and I started screaming at the top of my lungs, "My mother is dying in that building and I can't even fucking run to get to her!!!"  I was ashamed and and disgusted with myself.  I always assumed adrenaline would kick in when an emergency was present, but my body would just not respond the way I needed it to.

The doctor met us outside and would not say anything until they got me upstairs to the ICU.  And when they told me the news I already knew, I started screaming at the top of my lungs while feeling guilty and nearly speaking in tongues while trying to get into a closed room.  I didn't want to upset any patients in the ICU.  And then, as my now husband made the hardest phone calls of his life, I just started screaming louder as I fell on the floor.  They pulled me up and forced me into a chair.  Her only local family was me and her mother.  I had to pull myself together as we waited for my grandmother to get there (she has macular degeneration and lives 45 minutes away, so a friend had to take her).  She was supposed to be there that morning before surgery, but it was too late. And the hardest thing I've had to do in my life was tell the doctors not to move the body until her 82 year old mother got there to break down over her 57 year old baby.

December 11 & 12, 2010 were the worst days of my life.  I started going to therapy, but I started regressing in other aspects of my life.  I finally started gaining control over my health in January 2013.  I pushed myself to start jogging in 1-2 minute spurts in April 2013 while finishing with a 5 minute jog.  By the end of the year, I could jog for 22 minutes, or in my world, 1.25 miles.  I intend to do this a few times a week but end up falling behind because of life.  This year, I found that I could jog a mile under 16 minutes.  15:45 is my best time so far.  I wear proper running shoes and have specially designed music playlists.  I constantly monitor my heart rate when doing 4 mph and the cool down, as my heart is still getting used to that level of intensity.  I refuse to end up like my father, like I discussed in my June 23 post.

The left is July 2011, 7 months after my mom passed.  The right is July 2014, a couple hours ago.  Control is being restored.

Yesterday, we went to NYC for the day.  We stayed in the Midtown West area, specifically around 6th-9th Ave, 30th-50th Street.  My FitBit says that we did a total of 7 miles that day.  That's pretty typical on an active NYC day, especially when you don't take public transportation.  The first half of the day was pretty mellow walking, but we picked up the pace around 5:30.  We realized that the store he wanted to go to on 30th was closing at 6, and we were only on 42nd by that point.  So, once the crowds parted, we began sprinting down NYC streets.

Obnoxious?  Probably.  But did we move deftly around people and not crash into anyone?  Yup!  We started getting into a rhythm- when the stoplight was up, just power walk.  When the walk light was on, SPRINT.  We made it there in a few minutes.  I was ridiculously impressed and not out of breath at all.  I had a slight side stitch, but my husband told me to pinch it and breathe, and the pressure would release.  I was very pleased to see it worked.

At the end of the night, we had to get to the midnight train after waiting for James Franco at the Of Mice and Men stage door for over an hour (my husband is a saint).  I may have had outbursts during our walk from 48th to 42nd because the crowds were extra congested due to construction, and NO ONE WAS MOVING.  It was the first time I've felt NYC native rage towards Times Square in years.  It was such a gorgeous day and night that everyone was out and about.  By the time we made it past 42nd, we practically ran the whole way to the train.  I was wearing my flats, and my thighs were in pain by this time because they are the absolute worst shoes to run in.  Today, I feel like I did inner/outer thigh machines for hours.  But I wasn't out of breath at all on the train.  I had my inhaler with me just in case, and I was totally fine.  I was red as a beet and sweating by that point, but I felt just fine.

I now know that I could run around the entire hospital if need be.  I took control of my life again.  I have been accomplishing goals that I've set for myself.  It may be slow, but that's ok.  I can keep up with my husband, and it felt amazing to have him running in tandem.  It's going to last.  For once, it's going to last.

June Progress Numbers & Wrap Up

Not happy with June.  As I elaborated in my last post, it's been very stressful in my life.  I went backwards a bit and haven't stepped on the scale in just over a week.  So let's just get to it.

Weight:  + 2
2014 Weight loss: 11 pounds
Weight loss:  52 pounds

Yeah, so I'm upset that this extra 2 lbs has been hanging onto my stomach.  My face, legs, and feet are fine, but my stomach is not.  That picture is also helpful to see that I desperately need a bra fitting.  My back is actually rather flat, which is something my trainer is extremely pleased about.  My butt width has shrunk.  My shoulder and cape area is good.  But that damn stomach...ugh.

It's been harder this year.  Once you hit a big loss, it gets really hard to lose even more.  As I was discussing with my husband today, I'm terrified of going back to 2009-2010 when I gained back the Weight Watchers loss.  Granted, I have a bigger loss now and a better body transformation...but with the way I've been making some shitty choices, and the way my stomach feels right now...I'm scared, ok?  I refuse to go backwards.  This has to just be a temporary bump.

While I'm on the topic, I have to thank my husband for being the most supportive, loving, and motivating person I know.  Sure, we've fought about some things (he's kind of black and white with his viewpoint), but he ultimately cares about my health, my well being, my mental state and stress level, and he does everything he can for me.  I'm seriously lucky.  I don't know if I could be doing this without him.  My best friends have been amazing, and all the wonderful people I know personally and online that have been supporting me are fantastic.  I have a support system everywhere I look.  Not many people can say that, and I truly appreciate it.  But to have someone who knows me so intimately and who is in love with me no matter what size I am...yeah, I am grateful every day to have married such a wonderful man.

You can all stop dry heaving now!  I'm going to move on to pictures.

One of my last days at the office.

I made sure to look my best that last week.

2nd to last ugly bathroom selfie...

Last day, last ugly bathroom selfie! 

Love my elephant dress, but it really is best with tights, so I'm saving it for the fall.

Flipping a shit during NPH's performance of Sugar Daddy during the Tony's.  Hedwig and the Angry Inch is my lifeline.  The one time I wish my husband videoed me!

This tank top is getting downright obscene with its bagginess.  It's actually quite 80s now, I should wear a cute neon bra underneath it or something.

New work bathroom selfie!!  Woooo!  Check out the brightness, cleanliness, and privacy!  Oh, and my Twin Peaks skirt was falling off me when I didn't have it folded over.

Making it back to the gym...need to keep freakin' doing this.

Of course my grandmother had to comment on how horizontal stripes make you look wider.  SIGH.  I like the shirt (we got a nice Old Navy sale haul), so WHATEVER.

So, yeah.  I don't look terrible, and a lot of my summer clothes are hanging, but I don't feel good, and I could look much better.  Plain and simple.  I've had a month to get adjusted to this job.  No more excuses.  I have new sneakers.

No more excuses.  I have pretty support for my feet.

I could really use some extra support this month, to be honest.  I hate asking like that, but I just need to be held accountable.  I had fun food.  My trainer does not berate me.  She just says, "Ok, and do you feel a difference now that you had that and no veggies?"  My affirmation makes her happy because I'm able to acknowledge that my body needs healthy food and exercise with moderate treats. I'm happy that I'm not in denial over this fact as well.  That's definitely an improvement over last year.