The Pink Axe: Hold on to Your F@%$#n Hat.

It's been a few months, and it's quite obvious that I'm a (mostly) open book.  Let's talk about that fun topic that most women have to go through for about 40 years or so of their lives.  Men, you might want to take to cover, unless you're interested in what we really feel like for a week every month.

PERIOD
MENSTRUATION
SURFING THE CRIMSON WAVE
TOM (TIME OF MONTH) (the common term online)
PINK AXING IT (see below video)
GETTING GRAMMATICAL (as I said in college)
YOUR INDISPOSITION (as my trainer says in an adorably Victorian way)

All ladies go through it at some point in their lives.  Many of us got embarrassed when we first bought pads or tampons in our teens, but really...it's biological!  I don't profess to be an expert or anything, and I know there are many ways that women avoid their periods, get them erratically, or no longer get them whether temporarily or permanently.  We're all different, but I would venture to say that biologically born women have gone through menstruation during some point in their lives.

It kinda sucks.  You can choose your own way of dealing with it (pads, tampons, diva cup, skipping the placebo pill week and going right to the next pill pack, heating pads, Ibuprofen, Midol, chocolate, salty snacks, movies or tv that will make you really mad or sad no matter what the genre is, hiding in bed, lazing)-  all of those methods are valid.

You know what an excellent method is?

Exercise.

Before you say, F off and why the hell would I want to do that, just know that I said the same thing for 21 years.  I read all the pamphlets that encouraged gentle exercise and movement during your cramps and period, and I just smirked and tossed them aside.  Last year on a whim, I went to the gym on the first day of my period and jogged and walked on the treadmill.  I left the gym feeling less pressure on my abdomen.

I realized the meaning of my legs feeling "strained" when I was younger.  I wasn't active and I was retaining salt!  This was such an eye opener for me, and I'm a little embarrassed it took me so long to realize this.  My legs feel heavy pain when I eat too much salty food (my downfall).  Lots of water and moderate exercise takes down the bloat and really does relieve menstrual pain.  My trainer always wants to know where I'm at during the month because she adjusts my exercises (who the hell wants to spread their legs on a hip abductor machine during that time?) to fit my body's needs.

I tended to blame a lot of weight gain on the TOM when I was bloated.  But let's think about this- I PMS for a good week beforehand (especially if I'm not taking my pill on time or am eating poorly).  Then I have to go through the indisposition for 5 days.  That's HALF THE MONTH that I'm blaming stagnant weight on period bloat.  That shouldn't be!  I should only really be fluctuating for a week.  My trainer always says as long as I eat and exercise well that I will shed that water weight and then some after the period.  But I can't keep depending upon that "final shed" for my numbers!  Consistency will take down my cramps and exercise will help my blood flow, flexibility, endorphins, and numbers.

This is all great in theory and empowering, but face it, who really thinks that practically when you feel like a baby beluga is floating in your stomach and you would stab someone in the eyes for Taco Bell?

Let's watch the greatest Saturday Night Live commercial of all time, penned by Tina Fey.

My husband painted a fake axe pink.  It's chipping, but I love it.

I figured it would be more fun to see the evolution of PMS into the crimson wave in gif form.  

First comes the overwhelming sads.  And you can't explain why.

Then the frustration kicks in because you realize why you feel like ass.

The couch or bed seems like a magical kingdom when you're stuck at work.

And then the rage kicks in.

The only thing to calm down this rage is delicious food that is so very bad for you.

But then you realize mid-bite, wait- I should be responsible and healthy!  Exercise, here I come!

You expect this...

But it looks more like this...

Why would you want to move when there's an aquarium in your stomach and a uterus with a grudge?

And then it finally comes.  Finally.  It's cleansing and freeing and keeps you in touch with your body's clock, even though it's a pain in the ass.

What do we say to the one week of the month that threatens to turn us into feral animals?

And then you feel kind of badass.  Like Steven Tyler once said, "If men bled, tampons would be free."

But when it comes down to it, this would be preferable.