Getting Back on Track

This post is not really meant to be an excuse for how terrible my habits have been since mid-May.  It's really meant to serve more as a clarifying explanation with a bit of vague thrown in for good measure.  Hey, I can't be a total open book, right?

So, I've alluded that crap has been going on in my life right now and that I have been completely thrown off my routine.  As I mentioned before, I got a new job (WOOOO!), but I'm still adjusting to lunch hours and the way the break room is run and all.  It sounds stupid, but when you go from an office of 10 to a company of at least 100, you start thinking twice about lunches that need to be microwaved for more than a minute or two.  Plus, we're set further back in a complex that's not near many good options.  It would take a good 5-10 minutes just to get to the not-so-hot options.  Times like these, I miss being close to Wegmans and Trader Joe's and Panera.  However, it's forcing me to think about what I'm packing for the week, and that's a good thing.  It should keep me on a good weight loss and not running for the vending machines.  But, as with all things in life, it takes adjusting.

The stressful bits of my life right now involve having to sell my grandmother's place and make sure she gets into an assisted living facility.  It's only been a month and a half since the decision was made, and we've gotten a ton done, but it's so hard to see that progress since she was a bit of a hoarder.  It's very common among the Depression-era baby demographic.  When I was at my old job, I was driving 90 minutes from work to get to her house...in my car that has no air conditioning for the second year in a row because it will cost nearly $2000 to fix.  At my current job, it only takes me 25-30 minutes to get there, which is even better than coming from my house.  That has certainly helped my stress level.

When I was driving 90 minutes to get there, I would just eat a protein bar.  I didn't want to waste time eating dinner there when I could be working, and I didn't want to eat fast food in the car.  So I'd get there around 6:30 and leave towards 9, go home, and eat dinner late.  Now I get there around 5:30, leave at 7, and get home before 8.  I've decided to do this once a week beginning in 2 weeks since it's really taken over my life, and I'm just about done with working on her place.

Think about it.  You go right from work with no dinner to work on a packed condo and then drive 45 minutes home a couple hours later with no air conditioning.  This was me just thinking about going to the gym.

"But Chris," you say, "It will give you such energy and keep you healthy!"

"Don't you think you should put that salty food down?  If you're not exercising, you may puff up..."

"You could exercise in the morning, you know, since you go to bed later and wake up earlier?  You won't be exhausted at all, right??"

Ok, well, not going to the gym in the evening was understandable.  Plus, I needed better sneakers since mine wore out.  My pink axe was on its way this week, and my body was just really starting to hurt, especially in my stomach and legs.  My face and neck weren't too bad, shockingly.  I bought new Asics and made sure to only be at my grandmother's twice this week.  I started drinking more smoothies and made sure all my veggies are on hand at home.  

Yesterday, my husband and I went to the local pool, and he had me doing a bunch of improvised water aerobics.  It was really good for my legs, and we always have so much fun in the pool.  I also attempted to swim in the lap lane for the first time ever, and I actually did 3 laps!  Ok, well, I might have stopped in the middle of the third one and switched strokes while the little kids who could swim better than me stared in puzzlement, but I still did it!  I'm already showing better endurance and strength since last year.

Today, I got off my ass and went to the gym.  I like to jog/run 1.25 miles a few times a week because that's what my body is capable of doing now.  Last year, I could barely jog.  My best mile in April was 15:45, and while I know that's slow as crap for most people, it was a huge victory for me.  I knew I wouldn't be able to jump right back into my highest speed and time, but it just felt so good to get my limbs going again.  My limbs were sore (in a good way) from the swimming, but I knew it was necessary to just keep moving.  I finished the mile in 16:25, which is pretty typical for me, but I know I'll be able to do better soon.  I just have to keep moving.  

The first step is always the hardest.

But I did better than my 1.25 (and that calorie count is always about 50 off, according to my FitBit.)

Red and pouring sweat, but content.

I've decided to keep a change of clothes in the car for the night I go to my grandmother's so I can run to the gym on my way home.  I normally hate changing there, but if I go home first, I'll never make it out the door again.  I need to be doing my hard cardio at least 3 times per week (with Tuesdays being my trainer day) if I expect to keep losing.  I'm so thrilled with all the progress I've made and am so freakin close to a huge milestone.  I can't slip anymore. 

Part of the weight loss journey is encountering bumps like this, and I'm just being honest.  I know I have at least 2-3 pounds of water weight on me right now, and I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of compromising my health, and I refuse to slip backwards anymore.  I may be a sweaty wreck this summer, but that's what deodorant, showers, and clean clothes are for, right?  The other big step is getting off my butt in the morning to get on the stationary bike.  I'm gonna be reading my phone anyway, might as well do it while moving my legs!

Social Media Update!

So, I'm going viral you guys.

Haha, nah, not even close, but I AM thrilled that this blog has over 4000 hits since January! I'm giving myself a huge pat on the back and high five for that one! 

I've started a Facebook page for this blog:

http://www.facebook.com/sweatersandsmoothies 

Maybe I'll branch out into a Twitter or Instagram eventually, we'll see how it goes. For now, Facebook is excellent for following my blog updates and random pix/observations and discussions. I'm pretty comprehensive in my blogging, but there are always random pix and thoughts that don't make it in there.

I really want to make it an interactive page with judgment free discussion, so PLEASE like and share the page if you're on FB. If you know of any other pages out there that are awesome to follow, please let me know. I've been extremely overwhelmed and slacking on the cardio since May, and I'm trying to get back on the loss train as fast as I can.

Also, since Facebook has weird algorithms for the newsfeed, if you want to lurk and not be active, you have to choose the option "get notifications" when you like the page.

Thanks everyone! I appreciate the support and motivation more than you'll ever know.

And now, I leave you with this.

"I never understood you then, and I guess I never will"

June 23 would have been my father's 62nd birthday.  He died when he was 38 years old.

He didn't die in a tragic accident, he didn't have a long suffering disease.  He died of a heart attack while jogging in the middle of Philadelphia.

He died of a heart attack at 38 years old.

Now, before I proceed, you have to know that he was a psychotic and abusive piece of shit.  If anything, my MS afflicted mother and my 10-year-old self were lucky that this happened.  I have a picture heavy post on another blog explaining my childhood.  Domestic violence trigger warning- please don't read if you think it's going to upset you.

He was a very short and stocky man who yo-yo dieted and exercised.  He was a weightlifter and could lift a great deal, but he still packed away the dessert.  He chain smoked and took drugs.  He didn't even make it to middle age.

We didn't know he was dead for a month since he was a John Doe.  He and my mother were separated, and she thought (and hoped) he had skipped town.  Nope.  He was in a Philly morgue for just over a month in 1991 until they were able to track us down.

I learned early that we had to hide treats so he wouldn't take them from us or yell at us for eating them.  He told me he wouldn't love me if I became hugely fat.  I was taller in elementary school and a bit chubby.  Everything he did to us made me confused and scared and in desperate need of comfort.  So I ate those hidden Twix bars when my mom was in the shower, and I devoured Cheetos and Yoo-Hoo and tons of pasta when staying at my grandmother's.  I knew it was good that he was no longer around, but I was also upset because I didn't have a father who loved me or who gave a shit about being there for me.

I had a father who selfishly and stupidly wasted his life.

I'm going to be 34 this year.  My magic number is 38.  I have to make it past 38.  My mother died at 57, but she had progressive chronic Multiple Sclerosis; she was healthy as a horse aside from the neurological issues.
I can't be my father.  I unfortunately inherited genes from him, but my therapist told me to focus on the positive.  I have a lot of strength and I'm building my endurance.  That's the most positive physical trait we share.  I'm grateful that I inherited my mother's face and his coloring so I don't have to see him in the mirror.  Ok, I do have his flashing dark eyes when I'm upset, but I'm trying to breathe and think before I act.

I want to live a long life with my husband.  I want to entertain the notion of having a kid in the future.  I want to be there for my family and be the best person I can be.  Even when I'm having a bad month (like this one!), I know that I can get back on the horse and keep going.  I'm so close to obtaining major goals.  What did he do?  People say the only good thing he did was make me.  I'd have to agree with them.

I will jog, but I will not become obsessive.
I will eat protein, but I will not eat 6 eggs per day.
I will build strength, but I will not try to be a jacked up bodybuilder.
I will eat treats when I want, but in moderation.
I will continue to stay away from cigarettes and drugs and only have a drink socially.
I will live a long healthy life with my husband and learn how to be the best person I can be, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

May Progress Numbers & Wrap Up

I'm not kidding when I say that May 2014 has been one of the most overwhelming months of my life.  I don't really want to get into too many details here, but life has just gotten crazy.  C-R-A-Z-Y.

In exciting news, I got a new job!  They called the Friday before Memorial Day and wanted me to start as soon as possible, so my last day at my current job was yesterday, June 5.  I was there for 2 years and 1 month.  This new job is going to be so much more convenient in so many ways.  I hope they appreciate me a lot more than my last job did...

Anyway, yeah.  My schedule is crazy now because I have to deal with a lot of issues with my grandmother, and I often don't eat dinner till 9 pm now.  I haven't done cardio at the gym in ages because I have no time.  I feel like I live in the car (with a broken AC two years in a row that costs way too much to fix).  I actually lost weight in May....yet, I ate really badly these past two days, so I need to cleanse my body (HI WATER AND VEGGIES WITH EVERY MEAL) and get back on track.

But for now, let's focus on May!

May weight loss:  4 pounds
2014 weight loss:  13 pounds
Total weight loss:   54 pounds

WOOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!  Let's hope I didn't screw that up these past couple days. I have a lot going on this weekend anyway, so I'll probably burn that diner chicken parm dinner off....WHAT, IT WAS DELICIOUS AND I TOOK HALF OF IT HOME EVEN THOUGH I HAD UNOS DEEP DISH PIZZA LAST NIGHT.

Sigh.  Let's look at some pictures!

I never had a chance to get my husband to do the normal pictures, and I didn't feel like digging for my jeans.  But these drawstring capris have really gotten loose since 2012, and I see just how much looser the shirt is as well.  Sorry for the awkwardness, but it's the only full length mirror in the house.

Not one of my typical shots (dirty mirror and no bra? So hot), but I thought it was worth documenting (especially when comparing it to January) .  

Being able to try on a dress over my pants in the Forever 21 dressing room?  Amazing.

Of course I bought it, are you crazy??  All hail bright colors!  

Oh hey, just lost 52 POUNDS and am in my favorite denim skirt and Twin Peaks shirt!

Finally able to wear this peplum top I got last year and my stretchy black pencil skirt from 5 years ago.

Mostly selfies this month.  Isn't our bedroom wall color spectacular?

Right before my interview...I was scared to death.  Please note this is my lucky blazer, as I wore this to the interview of my last job.  

Full interview outfit.  Went a little more conservative with my nail color and covering tats just in case.  I'll see just how relaxed a place it is in that regard on Monday!  Really freakin nervous, BTW.

Clothes from the past couple years hanging off me.

I will wear these shorts to run to the supermarket or something now.  A miracle.  But running in them?  NO.

Seriously, I don't have to tilt the camera anymore, and my glasses are large on my face, and my collarbone is really starting to be revealed, and I'm just so not used to this...I'm thrilled, but it's just so weird!

You know what?  This was the motivation I needed to be active and eat well this weekend.  Here's hoping the new job isn't as sedentary as the last one.  I need a new battery for my FitBit, and we'll see what happens!  

I really would like to post more, hopefully life will start calming down in a couple weeks.  Hopefully I'll get to the 2009 Weight Watchers plateau number soon (2 more pounds), and then I'll be so freakin close to a humongous goal.  Seriously though, this is the most weight I've ever lost in my life.  I CAN DO THIS.  I want nothing more than to be able to do this!  I have to keep remembering that my health and fitness is a priority and not an afterthought.