Getting Back on Track

This post is not really meant to be an excuse for how terrible my habits have been since mid-May.  It's really meant to serve more as a clarifying explanation with a bit of vague thrown in for good measure.  Hey, I can't be a total open book, right?

So, I've alluded that crap has been going on in my life right now and that I have been completely thrown off my routine.  As I mentioned before, I got a new job (WOOOO!), but I'm still adjusting to lunch hours and the way the break room is run and all.  It sounds stupid, but when you go from an office of 10 to a company of at least 100, you start thinking twice about lunches that need to be microwaved for more than a minute or two.  Plus, we're set further back in a complex that's not near many good options.  It would take a good 5-10 minutes just to get to the not-so-hot options.  Times like these, I miss being close to Wegmans and Trader Joe's and Panera.  However, it's forcing me to think about what I'm packing for the week, and that's a good thing.  It should keep me on a good weight loss and not running for the vending machines.  But, as with all things in life, it takes adjusting.

The stressful bits of my life right now involve having to sell my grandmother's place and make sure she gets into an assisted living facility.  It's only been a month and a half since the decision was made, and we've gotten a ton done, but it's so hard to see that progress since she was a bit of a hoarder.  It's very common among the Depression-era baby demographic.  When I was at my old job, I was driving 90 minutes from work to get to her house...in my car that has no air conditioning for the second year in a row because it will cost nearly $2000 to fix.  At my current job, it only takes me 25-30 minutes to get there, which is even better than coming from my house.  That has certainly helped my stress level.

When I was driving 90 minutes to get there, I would just eat a protein bar.  I didn't want to waste time eating dinner there when I could be working, and I didn't want to eat fast food in the car.  So I'd get there around 6:30 and leave towards 9, go home, and eat dinner late.  Now I get there around 5:30, leave at 7, and get home before 8.  I've decided to do this once a week beginning in 2 weeks since it's really taken over my life, and I'm just about done with working on her place.

Think about it.  You go right from work with no dinner to work on a packed condo and then drive 45 minutes home a couple hours later with no air conditioning.  This was me just thinking about going to the gym.

"But Chris," you say, "It will give you such energy and keep you healthy!"

"Don't you think you should put that salty food down?  If you're not exercising, you may puff up..."

"You could exercise in the morning, you know, since you go to bed later and wake up earlier?  You won't be exhausted at all, right??"

Ok, well, not going to the gym in the evening was understandable.  Plus, I needed better sneakers since mine wore out.  My pink axe was on its way this week, and my body was just really starting to hurt, especially in my stomach and legs.  My face and neck weren't too bad, shockingly.  I bought new Asics and made sure to only be at my grandmother's twice this week.  I started drinking more smoothies and made sure all my veggies are on hand at home.  

Yesterday, my husband and I went to the local pool, and he had me doing a bunch of improvised water aerobics.  It was really good for my legs, and we always have so much fun in the pool.  I also attempted to swim in the lap lane for the first time ever, and I actually did 3 laps!  Ok, well, I might have stopped in the middle of the third one and switched strokes while the little kids who could swim better than me stared in puzzlement, but I still did it!  I'm already showing better endurance and strength since last year.

Today, I got off my ass and went to the gym.  I like to jog/run 1.25 miles a few times a week because that's what my body is capable of doing now.  Last year, I could barely jog.  My best mile in April was 15:45, and while I know that's slow as crap for most people, it was a huge victory for me.  I knew I wouldn't be able to jump right back into my highest speed and time, but it just felt so good to get my limbs going again.  My limbs were sore (in a good way) from the swimming, but I knew it was necessary to just keep moving.  I finished the mile in 16:25, which is pretty typical for me, but I know I'll be able to do better soon.  I just have to keep moving.  

The first step is always the hardest.

But I did better than my 1.25 (and that calorie count is always about 50 off, according to my FitBit.)

Red and pouring sweat, but content.

I've decided to keep a change of clothes in the car for the night I go to my grandmother's so I can run to the gym on my way home.  I normally hate changing there, but if I go home first, I'll never make it out the door again.  I need to be doing my hard cardio at least 3 times per week (with Tuesdays being my trainer day) if I expect to keep losing.  I'm so thrilled with all the progress I've made and am so freakin close to a huge milestone.  I can't slip anymore. 

Part of the weight loss journey is encountering bumps like this, and I'm just being honest.  I know I have at least 2-3 pounds of water weight on me right now, and I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of compromising my health, and I refuse to slip backwards anymore.  I may be a sweaty wreck this summer, but that's what deodorant, showers, and clean clothes are for, right?  The other big step is getting off my butt in the morning to get on the stationary bike.  I'm gonna be reading my phone anyway, might as well do it while moving my legs!

The Pink Axe: Hold on to Your F@%$#n Hat.

It's been a few months, and it's quite obvious that I'm a (mostly) open book.  Let's talk about that fun topic that most women have to go through for about 40 years or so of their lives.  Men, you might want to take to cover, unless you're interested in what we really feel like for a week every month.

PERIOD
MENSTRUATION
SURFING THE CRIMSON WAVE
TOM (TIME OF MONTH) (the common term online)
PINK AXING IT (see below video)
GETTING GRAMMATICAL (as I said in college)
YOUR INDISPOSITION (as my trainer says in an adorably Victorian way)

All ladies go through it at some point in their lives.  Many of us got embarrassed when we first bought pads or tampons in our teens, but really...it's biological!  I don't profess to be an expert or anything, and I know there are many ways that women avoid their periods, get them erratically, or no longer get them whether temporarily or permanently.  We're all different, but I would venture to say that biologically born women have gone through menstruation during some point in their lives.

It kinda sucks.  You can choose your own way of dealing with it (pads, tampons, diva cup, skipping the placebo pill week and going right to the next pill pack, heating pads, Ibuprofen, Midol, chocolate, salty snacks, movies or tv that will make you really mad or sad no matter what the genre is, hiding in bed, lazing)-  all of those methods are valid.

You know what an excellent method is?

Exercise.

Before you say, F off and why the hell would I want to do that, just know that I said the same thing for 21 years.  I read all the pamphlets that encouraged gentle exercise and movement during your cramps and period, and I just smirked and tossed them aside.  Last year on a whim, I went to the gym on the first day of my period and jogged and walked on the treadmill.  I left the gym feeling less pressure on my abdomen.

I realized the meaning of my legs feeling "strained" when I was younger.  I wasn't active and I was retaining salt!  This was such an eye opener for me, and I'm a little embarrassed it took me so long to realize this.  My legs feel heavy pain when I eat too much salty food (my downfall).  Lots of water and moderate exercise takes down the bloat and really does relieve menstrual pain.  My trainer always wants to know where I'm at during the month because she adjusts my exercises (who the hell wants to spread their legs on a hip abductor machine during that time?) to fit my body's needs.

I tended to blame a lot of weight gain on the TOM when I was bloated.  But let's think about this- I PMS for a good week beforehand (especially if I'm not taking my pill on time or am eating poorly).  Then I have to go through the indisposition for 5 days.  That's HALF THE MONTH that I'm blaming stagnant weight on period bloat.  That shouldn't be!  I should only really be fluctuating for a week.  My trainer always says as long as I eat and exercise well that I will shed that water weight and then some after the period.  But I can't keep depending upon that "final shed" for my numbers!  Consistency will take down my cramps and exercise will help my blood flow, flexibility, endorphins, and numbers.

This is all great in theory and empowering, but face it, who really thinks that practically when you feel like a baby beluga is floating in your stomach and you would stab someone in the eyes for Taco Bell?

Let's watch the greatest Saturday Night Live commercial of all time, penned by Tina Fey.

My husband painted a fake axe pink.  It's chipping, but I love it.

I figured it would be more fun to see the evolution of PMS into the crimson wave in gif form.  

First comes the overwhelming sads.  And you can't explain why.

Then the frustration kicks in because you realize why you feel like ass.

The couch or bed seems like a magical kingdom when you're stuck at work.

And then the rage kicks in.

The only thing to calm down this rage is delicious food that is so very bad for you.

But then you realize mid-bite, wait- I should be responsible and healthy!  Exercise, here I come!

You expect this...

But it looks more like this...

Why would you want to move when there's an aquarium in your stomach and a uterus with a grudge?

And then it finally comes.  Finally.  It's cleansing and freeing and keeps you in touch with your body's clock, even though it's a pain in the ass.

What do we say to the one week of the month that threatens to turn us into feral animals?

And then you feel kind of badass.  Like Steven Tyler once said, "If men bled, tampons would be free."

But when it comes down to it, this would be preferable.