Strength, Shaping, and Serendipity

I've mentioned my trainer in passing, but I don't think I've fully articulated just what an amazing and influential figure she has been in my life.

When I joined my local gym 5 years ago, I was trying to become fit after losing weight through Weight Watchers.  I was having difficulty focusing, so I learned about the training program through the manager.  He decided to match me with D since he thought our personalities would mesh well together.  He also told me that D was in the process of becoming ordained.  That threw me at first since I'm not a particularly religious person, but I decided it couldn't hurt to meet her.

I'm going to sound cliche, but we hit it off like gangbusters.  D has said from day one that our meeting was serendipitous.  She was impressed with my strength and frequently mixed up my weekly training programs.  However, I soon began a pattern of only seeing her at the gym and not going on my own time.  Things were starting to get stressful with my mother, and I began gaining weight.  I think I was only one of two clients who gained weight on her watch.  She didn't get upset with me or berate me.  I always referred to her as my "Bob" rather than "Jillian" from The Biggest Loser.  She knew that I wouldn't respond well to abrasive behavior and was relieved that I was getting any kind of exercise in my week.

My husband had just moved in by that point and came with me to the gym.  They hit it off as well, and he would sit in during my sessions while chatting with D, holding my feet, and teasing me that I needed to do 100 more reps.  They put their creative minds together to write and illustrate a book about a fairy tree, which will hopefully be available in the future!  D finished her schooling and became a non-denominational Christian minister.  It was truly her destiny to go down that road, and I saw new peace and fulfillment within her.

D is a very warm person who finds meaning in everything.  She doesn't like negativity and finds a way for me to put a positive spin on the grumpy things I say.  And believe me, that woman spent many grumpy hours with me over the years!  She always managed to put a smile on my face by the end of those sessions.  D finds beauty in the world and is quite poetic.  She can pull a poem that she wrote 10 years ago out of her brain, and it's always a lovely summation of a particular person, object, or situation.  D has an excellent sense of humor, and we often talk about TV or movies.  We chat about our personal lives, and I feel like I can trust her with just about anything.

My mother died in December 2010, and I was a mess.  My mom faithfully believed in God, and I didn't want a random minister giving her eulogy.  I called D, and she was hesitant at first because she never performed a funeral and hadn't been to one in many years.  But she got over her nerves and told me she'd be honored.  Even though D had never met my mother, she knew so much about her from all my stories and performed a beautiful service.  I felt calmer knowing I could focus on her while she was speaking next to the casket.

D does not force religion or spirituality on me or judge my beliefs.  She has been a sounding board for my rambles about what I truly believe.  I started reading more about Taoism thanks to her.  I am feeling more comfortable about giving myself permission to open my mind to more in this world beyond restrictive organized religion.  I am still a skeptic, but I'm willing to do research and reading, and never judge others.  My way of life is to treat others the way you want to be treated.

We were married in April 2012, and naturally we asked D to do the honors.  It was a short engagement period, and every Monday was spent exercising and going over the service and wedding details.  I loved how D put together a service that honored our beliefs while eliminating phrases and words that we didn't like.  She wore her robe with two crosses to make my Catholic grandmother happy, but otherwise it was a very spiritual wedding utilizing old Celtic traditions and blessings. Her husband was there as well, and he was so delightful and present in the rehearsal and setup.  It felt like a family affair.

I gained all the weight back that I lost on Weight Watchers (and then some), and D was extremely patient.  She was tentative about pushing my strength because she didn't want me to hurt my body.  It was a very fine line that she was walking with me, and I'm eternally grateful that she didn't give up on me.  She knew I had to come to the breakthrough and conclusion myself.  Naturally, she and my husband were worried that my depression and stubborn nature would keep me from doing this and that my health would be affected.  She would gently discuss this with me, and I knew she was right, but I was scared.

D would always tell me that if I just walked for 20 minutes, 3 times per week, that it would make a difference.  That a habit is formed after doing something for 22 days.  That my body needs protein and I should always pair a carb snack with a protein (think apple and cheese).  That I should really be eating a vegetable with every meal.  That I can think of myself as an island and that the necessary, nourishing food for my body is being dropped off via parachute.  That I should be mindful of my eating if I'm not exercising frequently.  That she really wants me to be exercising, but if I absolutely had to choose one or the other, that eating well is the way to go.  I started printing my week of MyFitnessPal daily diaries for her to read while I warmed up on the treadmill.  She would tell me what I did well, what could be improved or replaced, and talk to me about why I felt like I needed that coffee cake 3 nights in a row.  We recorded my weight weekly and talked about the fluctuations.  I do research on nutrition and weight loss, but it's funny how most advice I've given to people is usually from something D told me.

I started this journey in January 2013, and I lost 60 lbs by October 2014.  D is beyond thrilled.  Many people at the gym compliment me, and the owner has even posted my progress on their Facebook page.  I feel great being an example of the exemplary work that D does for her clients.  After I lost the initial excess 41 pounds in 2013, she began working on "shaping" me in 2014.  I only lost 19 lbs that year, but I lost a lot of inches.  People think I lost more weight thanks to her work!

I had to stop seeing her while I was unemployed from October through February, and it shows.  I'm still wearing the same size clothes, but I gained 10 pounds and have gone back to my old habits of never going to the gym.  D had designed a program for me that I could do on my own during that time, but I only did it a couple times.  I just had a session with her two weeks ago, and it felt amazing.  I'm still as strong as I ever was.  But I'm having a hard time managing family stress, a new job, and tired laziness.  D always tells me that the time I really feel grumpy about going to the gym is the time I need to go the most.  I only live 3 minutes away, and my new job is now another minute down the road.  There's no excuse whatsoever.  I feel like I'm starting from scratch again with my "change of life" mentality.  I know what I have to do thanks to all her guidance.  It's a matter of getting my butt out the door.

I miss her a lot, and I aim to have my life fully back on track in April.  We text and check in, but it's not the same.  I miss my friend, and I miss getting my weekly physical and mental workout!  My husband and I joke that D is our Yoda, and she truly is.

"Do. Or do not. There is no try."

September- December: Catching Up

I've been disappointed in myself for not doing a quick monthly update.  However, life really kicked me in the butt, and I've had a lot of time to reflect.  

I got laid off on October 10.  As alluded to in previous posts, this job was sucking the life out of me.  I regret that it only lasted for 4 months, but I don't regret taking the position.  If anything, I have learned a lot about my needs, wants, and non-negotiables in job searching.  It's been a welcome mental break, but I absolutely hate having a job gap for the first time in 7 years.  However, it was very eerily timed.

I just had to get my grandmother into an assisted living facility in early December, and there has been a lot of craziness with that, along with getting the albatross of a property sold.  I'm not going into all those details, it's too personal and too turbulent.  Just know it's the biggest headache and wallet drainer.  She went into the hospital for over a week after 10 days of being in the facility.  She wasn't discharged until Christmas Eve.  Needless to say, I haven't been especially jolly this holiday season.  I'm both looking forward to and scared to death about the new year.  

2014 was pretty much rock bottom in so many ways.  I'm not even sure I was this stressed when my mother died in 2010.  However, the best thing we could have done was get our precious kitties at the end of August.  I can't believe I haven't even talked about them!  Their names are Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, and they are 2-year-old brother and sister tabbies.  My allergies are off the charts with cats, but I love kitties, and my husband is such a cat man.  He waited for years until I felt secure enough to adopt.  So far, my allergies have been fine, I just have to be diligent about taking Claritin every day.  And I don't care if I'm a bit more congested and/or sniffly, our babies are worth it.  

Luke and Leia.  Practically twins, but she has more delicate facial features.

Leia is a lap kitty and my shadow. She is a 8 pound space heater, loves playing with her mousies, and chattering out the window. She gets jealous when Luke comes for love, but we're working on that.

Luke is such a sweet, shy, loving boy.  He has opened up so much, likes to snuggle and play (though he is not as curiously naughty as his sister!) and really gets vocal, especially at dinner time. 

These kitties have prevented me from having 5395 panic attacks over these past few months.  Don't be surprised to see them pop up in the future!

All of this craziness completely sent my routine out the window.  I have learned that I am a person who desperately needs a routine during the week.  I started getting very bad habits again.  My trainer was kind enough to give me a workout to do while I can't see her, but I've done it maybe 3 times.  I hardly go to the gym even though it's 24/7 and I have so much time for once.  I've only had a few smoothies and have slipped back into bad food choices while erratically updating MyFitnessPal.  My FitBit battery died, and I didn't care.  I'm just in the WHATEVER mode that sent me to the high weight that I was for so many years.  Depression does that to me.  I almost wish I was in the strange August mood when I didn't want to eat.  Yeah, well, holidays aren't helping either.

By October 25, I was officially down 60 pounds.  SIXTY POUNDS.  That was the day of our Halloween party.  I dressed up as Velma Kelly from Chicago, and I never felt better in my life.

My trainer made me do this side-by-side for comparison.

I felt amazing.  So many of our friends were freaking out and I got some of the nicest compliments.  It wasn't just the insane punch that made me tear up that evening.  I was so happy that so many people were there and that we were just going crazy.  I needed that so badly after getting kicked so badly a couple weeks prior.

But then came the Halloween leftovers.  Oh boy.  I went on a carb rampage for a week.  Normally, I might have ditched most of it, but I was in the "WE MUST BUDGET AND SAVE AND EAT EVERY LAST MORSEL" mode.  (Actually, I'm still that way.)  This isn't a bad thing...but I really didn't need to pack it all away myself.

My 34th birthday was on November 23.  I may have been a couple pounds heavier, but I still looked cute.  I love these side-by-side shots of the last three birthdays.

32-34.  A friend said it looks like 3 different people.  I love that.

Then came December.  I wouldn't eat in the morning and then would pack it in at night.  I may have also become addicted to doughnuts, Mountain Dew, and Taco Bell during this time period.  Sigh.  This is what happens when you have to go cheaper than Chipotle (if even eating out at all).  When I started logging into MyFitnessPal again, I was upset to see I was eating at least 450 calories more per day than my usual goal.  Combine that with not being too active...yeah.  The pounds are going to come back.  Then everything happened the week before Christmas right as I was baking...sigh again.  

I'm not happy with myself at all right now.  I still fit into my clothes and my size 16 pants, but I've gained between 7-9 pounds since my ultimate low on Halloween.  This scares me because it shows just how easily I can slip if I'm not being mindful, organized, and in a routine.  It also shows what can happen when my activity level drops.  My body feels like ass right now.  I desperately need to start fresh and eat lots of vegetables, protein, tea, and smoothies while going to the gym.  Sure, my clothes  from last year are still mostly hanging on me, but I can feel the change in my face.  The heaviness around my stomach.  The general lethargy.  It's awful, and I refuse- REFUSE- to go backwards.  

I've decided not to generally focus so much on scale numbers.  My monthly wrap-ups will include more than just pounds.  This is something I've been mulling over for awhile.  I may not have lost 41 pounds in a year like I did in 2013, but does that mean I was a failure?  Hell no!  I lost so many inches and got so much stronger and fitter.  My doctor is so thrilled with my progress and doesn't care about things like BMI.  She wants me to go to the gym to work out the stress and to keep focusing on inches.  I will certainly post weight loss numbers when I hit goals, but I don't think it's a good idea to drive myself crazy with it.  I will still record on MyFitnessPal, but I don't need to document every last wave and valley on the blog.  Success is most definitely not a straight line.  

I need to get through this week and then officially start my life over again on January 1.  Many people poo-poo New Years resolutions, but I'd like to point out that I said I would change my life on January 1, 2013.  Check out how much has changed for the better nearly 2 years later.  I'm going to keep going.  Ideally, I had another 36 pounds more to lose after the 60 mark.  Right now, I'm not going to worry about that.  I'm going to break my huge 15 year long goal down into two 10 pound goals.  I just want to achieve that goal so badly, I can taste it.  I was only 10 pounds away on October 25.  I'm not going to let this setback discourage me.  I've proven I can get that low once, and I will do it again!  I will also be blogging and checking in on the Facebook page quite a bit more.  Check that out and follow, as I always have blog updates and other random pix and whatnot.  

Now....pictures!  Not quite as many as there should be, but that's ok.

yup, that was pretty much late August into September.

September

The effects of not eating.  I was small but miserable.

(Yes, my husband is allowing me to use his non-Joker image on here, haha.  Hi hubby!)

Clothes hanging.

At a Ren Faire.  The day I realized I could rock a shorter haircut.

Cause let's face it, my hair was just getting awful.

Ta-da!!!!  I modeled it after Lena Headey's hair, and it worked perfectly.

She's so purty.

August 2012 vs September 2014. 

I got into Old Navy sweetheart size 16 jeans!  Still comfy despite the gain.  Sweetheart is great for pear shapes and curves, plus it has a nice normal mid-rise.

Feeling good.

Doing my best Lisa Loeb impression.

Well damn, looks like I'm gonna have to get a new Aerosmith shirt...

October

October sucked, didn't take many pix till Halloween.  One of the times I went to the gym.

...and all that jazz!

My husband was Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.  Everyone's costumes were fantastic.

This is a good summary of my current home life.  (With Leia)

November

Voting day!  

A video where I jogged 3/4 mile on an outside trail to thank everyone for getting me to 300 followers (now at 350!).  I definitely walked a lot of parts.  Outdoors is definitely different than the treadmill!

A side-by-side that makes me super happy.

Fastest mile ever at 15:18, woooo!!!!

It sounds silly, but this is the first time these boots have been loose on me in over 4 years.  I normally have to get them on Zappos or at Torrid for wide calves.  This made me so happy.

The push-up challenge!  This is only a couple minutes and makes me laugh.  Enjoy my music choice!

Last workout before my birthday.  Obviously Hedwig has been getting me through much of this year.

Birthday!  I think I look younger now.  It also helps that I'm actually filling in my eyebrows.

My husband has treated me like a queen this year and always.  He is the absolute best.

December

Morning kisses with the Luke.

Feeling good after my workout.  Now if only I would do that more often...

This was taken on December 18 before the holiday eats really kicked in.  I can't even keep these pj pants up anymore.  Blows my mind how much smaller they were back in December 2012.

July Progress Numbers and Wrap Up

I didn't intend for this to be almost a week late, but once again, life has proven itself to be unpredictable and crazy.  I didn't get as many pictures this month either, but that's probably because my hair has looked like ass.  Thanks, humidity!

Let's get to the numbers, as I am SUPER excited!  I finally broke my 2 month gain/plateau, and it feels amazing.  I am one pound away from the lowest Weight Watchers number back in 2009, and then my first huge goal is ridiculously attainable.  

Weight:  -3
2014 Weight loss: 14 pounds
Weight loss:  55 pounds

Back on track!  Hooray!  It's even more exciting since I've barely been able to get to the gym more than once a week.  I want to, but I have a lot of family crap going on right now.  That crap has been like a domino effect since May.

July 4 was a lot of fun.  I don't even think I overate!

Like kids again with sparklers!  It was such a beautiful day.  

I've been making more of an effort to get outside this summer.  I'm crazy busy at my new job now, but I make a point to go outside for at least 5-10 minutes every day, even just to walk the big parking lot while checking my phone.  The burst of vitamin D feels good.

Not weight loss related, but I upgraded to a 5C and it's so prettyyyyy.  I named it Miss Hedwig.  Yes, I name my gadgets, what of it?  I had to take a picture since my color/style coordination was a complete coincidence.  This phone is so much faster and has a great camera, so it will be helpful as a weight loss tool.

Wearing a shirt that used to make me look like a puffball.  I look upset, but I was actually surprised.

The day I got back on track with my running...only to be forced off again shortly thereafter.  Sigh.

We went to NYC to see Rocky: The Musical for a second time before it closes in mid-August.  Yes, that's my husband standing next to me- he approved the use of this picture.  A friend took this sneak shot of me wildly gesturing while talking to Rocky himself, Andy Karl.  Yeah, I'm pretty dramatic.  Shocking, huh?  I was surprised at how much I actually like this picture of me.  I actually don't mind the way my back looks.  And of course I'm going to like any picture involving me and Andy.  This was also the day that we ran throughout the city as I discussed in my last entry.

We saw Of Mice and Men with James Franco and Chris O'Dowd that night.  Of course I had to stage door, especially considering Franco's obsession with Instagram and selfies.  The security actually briefed the crowd on how to take a proper selfie.  LOLZ forever.  I took a bunch of pix of him looking like a slithering creepoid in his hat and glasses as he slithered past everyone, but I'm going to post this one as I'm doing the OMGJAMESFRANCO face.  He's been on my top 10 for years.  Freaks & Geeks forever, man.

My last post involved a comparison picture of 2011 vs 2014, and I'd like to post a bigger version of the recent 2014 pic.

I don't know why I had an obsession with spaghetti straps when there was so much fat on my upper body.  It's nice to see that it doesn't look like the straps are disappearing anymore.  Mind you, I do have thick bra straps in this recent shot.  Is it wrong that I don't care about bra straps when I'm not at work?  I try to make sure that they match or blend with the shirt...

Total awesomeness.  The left picture was in 2011 (the same vacation as the above comparison picture), and now the shorts are falling off me.  My black shorts are in hot pursuit.  

Perhaps my biggest NSV in awhile.  I could never wear those exercise shorts outside the house for years since they would always ride up my thighs.  Now they're loose and I could go to the gym in them while stopping to do a couple errands on the way home.  That was an awesome feeling.  Stacy London and Clinton Kelly would be pissed at me for going out and about in this outfit, but I don't care...it felt good!

Hoping to have another picture after the treadmill this month, and hoping that it won't be just one time!  I need August to pick up.  I can't believe we're in the 8th month.  Where the HELL is time going?

Getting Back on Track

This post is not really meant to be an excuse for how terrible my habits have been since mid-May.  It's really meant to serve more as a clarifying explanation with a bit of vague thrown in for good measure.  Hey, I can't be a total open book, right?

So, I've alluded that crap has been going on in my life right now and that I have been completely thrown off my routine.  As I mentioned before, I got a new job (WOOOO!), but I'm still adjusting to lunch hours and the way the break room is run and all.  It sounds stupid, but when you go from an office of 10 to a company of at least 100, you start thinking twice about lunches that need to be microwaved for more than a minute or two.  Plus, we're set further back in a complex that's not near many good options.  It would take a good 5-10 minutes just to get to the not-so-hot options.  Times like these, I miss being close to Wegmans and Trader Joe's and Panera.  However, it's forcing me to think about what I'm packing for the week, and that's a good thing.  It should keep me on a good weight loss and not running for the vending machines.  But, as with all things in life, it takes adjusting.

The stressful bits of my life right now involve having to sell my grandmother's place and make sure she gets into an assisted living facility.  It's only been a month and a half since the decision was made, and we've gotten a ton done, but it's so hard to see that progress since she was a bit of a hoarder.  It's very common among the Depression-era baby demographic.  When I was at my old job, I was driving 90 minutes from work to get to her house...in my car that has no air conditioning for the second year in a row because it will cost nearly $2000 to fix.  At my current job, it only takes me 25-30 minutes to get there, which is even better than coming from my house.  That has certainly helped my stress level.

When I was driving 90 minutes to get there, I would just eat a protein bar.  I didn't want to waste time eating dinner there when I could be working, and I didn't want to eat fast food in the car.  So I'd get there around 6:30 and leave towards 9, go home, and eat dinner late.  Now I get there around 5:30, leave at 7, and get home before 8.  I've decided to do this once a week beginning in 2 weeks since it's really taken over my life, and I'm just about done with working on her place.

Think about it.  You go right from work with no dinner to work on a packed condo and then drive 45 minutes home a couple hours later with no air conditioning.  This was me just thinking about going to the gym.

"But Chris," you say, "It will give you such energy and keep you healthy!"

"Don't you think you should put that salty food down?  If you're not exercising, you may puff up..."

"You could exercise in the morning, you know, since you go to bed later and wake up earlier?  You won't be exhausted at all, right??"

Ok, well, not going to the gym in the evening was understandable.  Plus, I needed better sneakers since mine wore out.  My pink axe was on its way this week, and my body was just really starting to hurt, especially in my stomach and legs.  My face and neck weren't too bad, shockingly.  I bought new Asics and made sure to only be at my grandmother's twice this week.  I started drinking more smoothies and made sure all my veggies are on hand at home.  

Yesterday, my husband and I went to the local pool, and he had me doing a bunch of improvised water aerobics.  It was really good for my legs, and we always have so much fun in the pool.  I also attempted to swim in the lap lane for the first time ever, and I actually did 3 laps!  Ok, well, I might have stopped in the middle of the third one and switched strokes while the little kids who could swim better than me stared in puzzlement, but I still did it!  I'm already showing better endurance and strength since last year.

Today, I got off my ass and went to the gym.  I like to jog/run 1.25 miles a few times a week because that's what my body is capable of doing now.  Last year, I could barely jog.  My best mile in April was 15:45, and while I know that's slow as crap for most people, it was a huge victory for me.  I knew I wouldn't be able to jump right back into my highest speed and time, but it just felt so good to get my limbs going again.  My limbs were sore (in a good way) from the swimming, but I knew it was necessary to just keep moving.  I finished the mile in 16:25, which is pretty typical for me, but I know I'll be able to do better soon.  I just have to keep moving.  

The first step is always the hardest.

But I did better than my 1.25 (and that calorie count is always about 50 off, according to my FitBit.)

Red and pouring sweat, but content.

I've decided to keep a change of clothes in the car for the night I go to my grandmother's so I can run to the gym on my way home.  I normally hate changing there, but if I go home first, I'll never make it out the door again.  I need to be doing my hard cardio at least 3 times per week (with Tuesdays being my trainer day) if I expect to keep losing.  I'm so thrilled with all the progress I've made and am so freakin close to a huge milestone.  I can't slip anymore. 

Part of the weight loss journey is encountering bumps like this, and I'm just being honest.  I know I have at least 2-3 pounds of water weight on me right now, and I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of compromising my health, and I refuse to slip backwards anymore.  I may be a sweaty wreck this summer, but that's what deodorant, showers, and clean clothes are for, right?  The other big step is getting off my butt in the morning to get on the stationary bike.  I'm gonna be reading my phone anyway, might as well do it while moving my legs!