September- December: Catching Up

I've been disappointed in myself for not doing a quick monthly update.  However, life really kicked me in the butt, and I've had a lot of time to reflect.  

I got laid off on October 10.  As alluded to in previous posts, this job was sucking the life out of me.  I regret that it only lasted for 4 months, but I don't regret taking the position.  If anything, I have learned a lot about my needs, wants, and non-negotiables in job searching.  It's been a welcome mental break, but I absolutely hate having a job gap for the first time in 7 years.  However, it was very eerily timed.

I just had to get my grandmother into an assisted living facility in early December, and there has been a lot of craziness with that, along with getting the albatross of a property sold.  I'm not going into all those details, it's too personal and too turbulent.  Just know it's the biggest headache and wallet drainer.  She went into the hospital for over a week after 10 days of being in the facility.  She wasn't discharged until Christmas Eve.  Needless to say, I haven't been especially jolly this holiday season.  I'm both looking forward to and scared to death about the new year.  

2014 was pretty much rock bottom in so many ways.  I'm not even sure I was this stressed when my mother died in 2010.  However, the best thing we could have done was get our precious kitties at the end of August.  I can't believe I haven't even talked about them!  Their names are Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, and they are 2-year-old brother and sister tabbies.  My allergies are off the charts with cats, but I love kitties, and my husband is such a cat man.  He waited for years until I felt secure enough to adopt.  So far, my allergies have been fine, I just have to be diligent about taking Claritin every day.  And I don't care if I'm a bit more congested and/or sniffly, our babies are worth it.  

Luke and Leia.  Practically twins, but she has more delicate facial features.

Leia is a lap kitty and my shadow. She is a 8 pound space heater, loves playing with her mousies, and chattering out the window. She gets jealous when Luke comes for love, but we're working on that.

Luke is such a sweet, shy, loving boy.  He has opened up so much, likes to snuggle and play (though he is not as curiously naughty as his sister!) and really gets vocal, especially at dinner time. 

These kitties have prevented me from having 5395 panic attacks over these past few months.  Don't be surprised to see them pop up in the future!

All of this craziness completely sent my routine out the window.  I have learned that I am a person who desperately needs a routine during the week.  I started getting very bad habits again.  My trainer was kind enough to give me a workout to do while I can't see her, but I've done it maybe 3 times.  I hardly go to the gym even though it's 24/7 and I have so much time for once.  I've only had a few smoothies and have slipped back into bad food choices while erratically updating MyFitnessPal.  My FitBit battery died, and I didn't care.  I'm just in the WHATEVER mode that sent me to the high weight that I was for so many years.  Depression does that to me.  I almost wish I was in the strange August mood when I didn't want to eat.  Yeah, well, holidays aren't helping either.

By October 25, I was officially down 60 pounds.  SIXTY POUNDS.  That was the day of our Halloween party.  I dressed up as Velma Kelly from Chicago, and I never felt better in my life.

My trainer made me do this side-by-side for comparison.

I felt amazing.  So many of our friends were freaking out and I got some of the nicest compliments.  It wasn't just the insane punch that made me tear up that evening.  I was so happy that so many people were there and that we were just going crazy.  I needed that so badly after getting kicked so badly a couple weeks prior.

But then came the Halloween leftovers.  Oh boy.  I went on a carb rampage for a week.  Normally, I might have ditched most of it, but I was in the "WE MUST BUDGET AND SAVE AND EAT EVERY LAST MORSEL" mode.  (Actually, I'm still that way.)  This isn't a bad thing...but I really didn't need to pack it all away myself.

My 34th birthday was on November 23.  I may have been a couple pounds heavier, but I still looked cute.  I love these side-by-side shots of the last three birthdays.

32-34.  A friend said it looks like 3 different people.  I love that.

Then came December.  I wouldn't eat in the morning and then would pack it in at night.  I may have also become addicted to doughnuts, Mountain Dew, and Taco Bell during this time period.  Sigh.  This is what happens when you have to go cheaper than Chipotle (if even eating out at all).  When I started logging into MyFitnessPal again, I was upset to see I was eating at least 450 calories more per day than my usual goal.  Combine that with not being too active...yeah.  The pounds are going to come back.  Then everything happened the week before Christmas right as I was baking...sigh again.  

I'm not happy with myself at all right now.  I still fit into my clothes and my size 16 pants, but I've gained between 7-9 pounds since my ultimate low on Halloween.  This scares me because it shows just how easily I can slip if I'm not being mindful, organized, and in a routine.  It also shows what can happen when my activity level drops.  My body feels like ass right now.  I desperately need to start fresh and eat lots of vegetables, protein, tea, and smoothies while going to the gym.  Sure, my clothes  from last year are still mostly hanging on me, but I can feel the change in my face.  The heaviness around my stomach.  The general lethargy.  It's awful, and I refuse- REFUSE- to go backwards.  

I've decided not to generally focus so much on scale numbers.  My monthly wrap-ups will include more than just pounds.  This is something I've been mulling over for awhile.  I may not have lost 41 pounds in a year like I did in 2013, but does that mean I was a failure?  Hell no!  I lost so many inches and got so much stronger and fitter.  My doctor is so thrilled with my progress and doesn't care about things like BMI.  She wants me to go to the gym to work out the stress and to keep focusing on inches.  I will certainly post weight loss numbers when I hit goals, but I don't think it's a good idea to drive myself crazy with it.  I will still record on MyFitnessPal, but I don't need to document every last wave and valley on the blog.  Success is most definitely not a straight line.  

I need to get through this week and then officially start my life over again on January 1.  Many people poo-poo New Years resolutions, but I'd like to point out that I said I would change my life on January 1, 2013.  Check out how much has changed for the better nearly 2 years later.  I'm going to keep going.  Ideally, I had another 36 pounds more to lose after the 60 mark.  Right now, I'm not going to worry about that.  I'm going to break my huge 15 year long goal down into two 10 pound goals.  I just want to achieve that goal so badly, I can taste it.  I was only 10 pounds away on October 25.  I'm not going to let this setback discourage me.  I've proven I can get that low once, and I will do it again!  I will also be blogging and checking in on the Facebook page quite a bit more.  Check that out and follow, as I always have blog updates and other random pix and whatnot.  

Now....pictures!  Not quite as many as there should be, but that's ok.

yup, that was pretty much late August into September.

September

The effects of not eating.  I was small but miserable.

(Yes, my husband is allowing me to use his non-Joker image on here, haha.  Hi hubby!)

Clothes hanging.

At a Ren Faire.  The day I realized I could rock a shorter haircut.

Cause let's face it, my hair was just getting awful.

Ta-da!!!!  I modeled it after Lena Headey's hair, and it worked perfectly.

She's so purty.

August 2012 vs September 2014. 

I got into Old Navy sweetheart size 16 jeans!  Still comfy despite the gain.  Sweetheart is great for pear shapes and curves, plus it has a nice normal mid-rise.

Feeling good.

Doing my best Lisa Loeb impression.

Well damn, looks like I'm gonna have to get a new Aerosmith shirt...

October

October sucked, didn't take many pix till Halloween.  One of the times I went to the gym.

...and all that jazz!

My husband was Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.  Everyone's costumes were fantastic.

This is a good summary of my current home life.  (With Leia)

November

Voting day!  

A video where I jogged 3/4 mile on an outside trail to thank everyone for getting me to 300 followers (now at 350!).  I definitely walked a lot of parts.  Outdoors is definitely different than the treadmill!

A side-by-side that makes me super happy.

Fastest mile ever at 15:18, woooo!!!!

It sounds silly, but this is the first time these boots have been loose on me in over 4 years.  I normally have to get them on Zappos or at Torrid for wide calves.  This made me so happy.

The push-up challenge!  This is only a couple minutes and makes me laugh.  Enjoy my music choice!

Last workout before my birthday.  Obviously Hedwig has been getting me through much of this year.

Birthday!  I think I look younger now.  It also helps that I'm actually filling in my eyebrows.

My husband has treated me like a queen this year and always.  He is the absolute best.

December

Morning kisses with the Luke.

Feeling good after my workout.  Now if only I would do that more often...

This was taken on December 18 before the holiday eats really kicked in.  I can't even keep these pj pants up anymore.  Blows my mind how much smaller they were back in December 2012.

Stress Eating: Then and Now

I really don't feel like going into it, but I'm going through the second most stressful time period of my adult life right now.  Normally when I feel stress, I give in to comfort eating.  And ohhhh the comfort foods in my life...these are the foods I can't really have often otherwise I will turn into a ravenous monster and nom them all down.  Let's list them so they're just out there in the open:

-Fried chicken.  None of that breaded crap, FRIED.
-Stromboli.  You give me anything smothered with mozzarella and tomato sauce, and I'm a goner
-Chicken Parmesan.  The unhealthy versions that are fried and with pasta.
-Cheese fries.  They're oh so terrible and oh so delicious.
-Pastry.  Cake, donuts, cinnamon buns, my cupcakes....evil.
-Pasta.  I could live on pasta with any kind of sauce or veggie or meat.  Unfortunately, it lives on my ass.
-Herrs Cheese Curls.  I will eat three servings in a blink of an eye, and that's the calorie equivalent of a meal.
-Soft Pretzels.  Worst thing in the world for me to eat.  Why are they so delicious?  So Philly.

These are my special treats.  I don't deny myself, but I REALLY have to watch myself around them.

I have been eating weirdly these past couple weeks.  I have been trying to integrate my every-meal-vegetable, but I've often been skipping meals.  Then I've been making up for it calorie-wise in one huge dinner.  So while my caloric numbers aren't tipping too terribly, I've been balancing the food terribly.  And while the calories may be within range, the fat hasn't been.  I'm trying to look at the whole picture here, and I'm trying to cleanse myself this week.  I'm going to be eating dinner at really strange late hours, but I have to make them light meals with a good post-work snack.

I was so proud of myself for not giving in to stress and even not wanting to eat.  But then, of course, it catches up.  And I didn't make the best decision for both dinners this weekend....

KFC.  Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I don't even like it that much, but it's fried chicken.  My stomach is still begging for mercy and trying to expunge everything.  Yet, I had it 2 days in a row.  Allow me to quote the movie So I Married An Axe Murderer regarding the love/hate relationship I have with Colonel Sanders.

  (I made that myself...I'm so proud)

It was good.  Not great.  I've had better.  I had a few potato wedges and tons of chicken.  They also have a deal where they give you a free chocolate or lemon pound cake if you get the 10+ piece bucket.  Yeah, so I also had half a slice each night.  It wasn't that great.  If my husband won't touch it, I'm throwing it out.

Now my body is retaining salt.  If I could prick a hole in my body and let all that retention shoot out, I so would.  Did I mention I had a Mountain Dew and barely drank water?  Add that brominated vegetable oil to the above list....

I just want to scream.  I know backsliding is inevitable, but how did I think that was a good idea for 2 days?!  I've been physically active those two days, but STILL!  

I need to make a plan.  I need to keep my body healthy during this stressful time period otherwise I'm going to destroy my health and sanity in so many ways.

My weight gain came flying back when my mother died in December 2010.  I'm not going to let this current stress affect me the same way.  I can't.  I've come too far and worked too hard and feel too good.  I need emotional support around me.  My husband and best friends are amazing, but I really do need to know that I can get through this extremely rough patch without sabotaging myself.  If you could shoot me a positive vibe right now, that would be extremely lovely.

Thanks everyone for reading, as always.  

Cabin Fever and Calorie Consumption

If you live in the Northeastern part of the United States, you know just how brutal the weather is right now.  

It was colder than Alaska at one point around here.

It's freakin' FRIGID.  

For once, I empathize with Jon Snow.

It hasn't been this bad in years, especially with the constant snowstorms, ice, and temperatures significantly below freezing.  I get in the car, go to work, maybe go out to grab food at lunch if I didn't bring anything, get in the car, and go straight home under the blanket.  It's so cold that I just want to put on jammies and ignore anything that involves actual movement.  Why the hell would I want to go back outside when I have my Sheldon Cooper sofa spot, comfy jammies, and two fuzzy blankets for the sofa?

I don't want to bring clothes with me to the gym because I hate changing in public.  I've actually gotten into a good routine of running home, jumping in my tank and yoga pants, grabbing my water, and running back out the door.  These past couple weeks have really thrown me.  I try to do some Wii dance games, but it's not enough.  I want to work my entire body on the treadmill.  And when I sit at home, I'm more tempted to consume junk.

We don't really have a lot of junk around the house anymore, but I manage to find the cookies and Hershey Kisses.  One of my problems is that I try to be so good with my main meals so I have enough calories leftover to snack.  I have significantly cut my snacking, but I still have work to do.  I have carrots and hummus in the fridge, but the Turkey Hill all natural ice cream is so much more appealing.  I have 100 calorie fat free Hershey's pudding that I end up topping with a tablespoon of chocolate chips and squirt of Reddi Whip.  That one isn't too bad until the chips turn into two tablespoons and the whipped cream is being aimed directly in the mouth because "one extra bit can't be so bad."  Right.  Tell me another one, self.  

My trainer has been working with me on the snacking.  We have discussed how even though I'm staying within the calorie range that I could be making better choices with the quality of food I'm eating.  I may do better with food that has fat versus sugar, but high sodium blows me up and makes me lethargic.  I get so focused on the calorie counting that I don't look at the big picture.  I feel like I've been in a weird plateau with the scale numbers, but I've had so much progress with how my clothes fit.  I just bought a new dress that's a size 16!!  That is absolutely major for me.  We also discussed how I need to absolutely keep tracking on MyFitnessPal as the day goes on.  I was falling into a habit of recording things at the end of the day.  I absolutely need to see what my intake is throughout the day and how I can budget out portions and treats by the end of the day.    

I want to work on being more conscious about my protein and veggies and avoiding carbs at night, but it gets hard at this time of the year.  I'm proud that I finally said Screw it and went to the gym this morning.  My joints felt so much better after I did so.  I don't want something as crazy as weather to hold me back from my goals.  I know that this month is not going to be particularly high for the scale loss and that we all go through periodic plateaus.  However, I'm going to be wearing a smaller hot ass glam dress in NYC next month, so I'm feeling pretty damn good.  

I really do love this blog because it's holding me accountable and keeping me motivated by publicly chatting about these topics.  I normally would whine and kvetch to my husband and trainer, but I think it's time that their ears get a break.  Let's just keep fingers crossed that the snow will ease up and that we'll hit a heatwave of 33 degrees soon!

The Personal Work Drawer, or What Satisfies the Midday Nosh

A special drawer for food and necessities is a part of making yourself at home in your workplace.  I didn't really use my locker for food at the mall, but I used my locker for a few things at the bank.  Once I hit the office environment (and finally got my own desk), I started to stock the bottom right drawer with a revolving selection of personal items.

Naturally, I have Alleve or Advil there at all times, and I have a growing collection of napkins and wrapped plastic utensils from random takeout places. I bought pretty Post-Its and pens that I hide under plastic bags so no one can snitch them from me.  I like to have some food in the office because you never know when you'll get caught up in work or if you just need a mid-afternoon boost. (And yes, I keep it clean and crumb free, I don't want to find new little friends!)

Let's take a look at the current necessities in my drawer!  I am not shilling any of these items, just sharing what I enjoy right now.

I have this just in case I'm running late in the morning or can't run out to grab lunch.  I used to only eat the Trader Joe's apple cinnamon brand at this office (Quaker at the bank), but I like this one because there's a lot more nutrients.  

I've kept this in my desk since the bank days.  I like to have it on hand in case I bring french vanilla yogurt to work.  I eat yogurt in waves...lately I've found it's just too damn sugary (and I just can't do plain).  I'd rather have my fruit in my smoothie.  

Yeah, I've obviously eaten a lot of Wendy's chili at this job...it's probably the best thing to get when you don't have time for anything besides the drive through window.  Low calorie, protein, fiber, and probably other ingredients I don't want to know about, but it's still the lesser evil.   Anyway, they always throw too many cracker packets in the bag, and I save them in case I need a nibble.  It was really helpful when I was getting over a stomach bug recently!  On that note...

Seriously, you never know when you're going to need these!  Zantac is probably more effective, but I like that these have calcium.

I've tried different teas over the years but have a hard time finding ones that I want to keep drinking.  K-Cup teas are really strong, and I prefer to dip a teabag (insert childish giggle).  Green tea is one of the best beverages in terms of antioxidants, and I started drinking this kind in the new year.  It's really good!  Very delicate.  I try to have it every afternoon.

My trainer is trying to get me to have more balanced snacks, and I enjoy having string cheese and an apple.  I get a bag of organic gala apples and Trader Joe's organic lite string cheese to last over a week.  My smoothie has peanut butter, and I have to be in the mood to eat nuts. (more childish giggling)  My trainer woke me up to the fact that my body responds best to protein based foods and crashes with just carbs.  One of my big challenges this year is to find and maintain a balance in meals.  

Hey, at least I don't constantly have lowfat potato chips and reduced fat Cheez-Its in my drawer anymore.  I like having a little something "bad" in my drawer because then it will prevent me from dipping into any office candy or cookie dishes.  I have found that quality dark chocolate is so satisfying, and I love getting unique treats from Trader Joe's.  That pretty much ensures no high fructose corn syrup, which is another major plus!  These powerberries have been out of stock for awhile at my local Trader Joe's, and I was so excited when I saw them on the shelf today.  And yes, I keep a 1/4 measuring cup in my drawer so I can measure the perfect serving.  I also eat ice cream at home out of a 1/2 measuring cup.  

However, I will have a box of Girl Scout Lemonade cookies in my drawer next week, thanks to my co-worker's daughter.  I eat one after lunch in the afternoon.  My other co-worker with a sweet tooth can't believe my willpower, and I may have to watch for sticky fingers...

Now that I've managed to ramble about 7 simple items, what keeps you going during the day at work?