I thought for a few seconds and took that statement back. "No...I'm not being self-involved. Why on earth did I just say that?" He affirmed that I was being silly with the previous statement.
If I may act like Carrie Bradshaw for a moment, I couldn't help but wonder...why do women often tend to downplay or brush off their accomplishments?
I have talked about this with a few friends over the year, and I hated that my low self-esteem made me automatically joke about how I'm navel-gazing and focusing too much on myself. Why wouldn't I want to better myself? Why would I consider this to be embarrassing and immodest?
My trainer told me months ago that I'm going to have to start taking compliments gracefully. I tend to be one of those people who go "Oh no no no" when someone gives me a nice compliment rather than saying "Thank you so much, that's very kind." I'm working on that. At least I was able to recognize my behavior today and laugh about it with a good friend. And the funny thing is, I normally wouldn't get modest around this friend. I'd usually go for a high-five and a big YEAAH! I felt like I had to defend my choices for some reason, perhaps because I just posted those unflattering pictures of my stomach in the purple tank top. And of course, I had to start making jokes about that.
Damn. Good thing I still see my therapist.
I feel confident over doing these blog posts and freed by the pictures I've been posting. Yet, I know the internet can be a nasty place where people rip apart pictures of ladies who aren't "perfect," especially when they're overweight. I'm sure I'll see some comments in the future (that will immediately be deleted), and I'm sure there are some people out there now who think I'm being too open. But I feel like there needs to be pictures of a fat woman working hard on losing weight in order to become curvy and fit. I want to show women in similar situations that they're not alone.
I don't like seeing memes where it says that only "real women" have curves and that skinny girls need to eat a sandwich. I believe we're all real women with different shapes and features and should be celebrated as such. I just don't like when people push to get to an unhealthy and impossible body standard. There are many unrealistic images in Hollywood and a lot of airbrushing and Photoshop going on in the media.
I love Lena Dunham, and I think her nudity on Girls is a very important statement. I know people get annoyed over how often she disrobes, but I doubt they would be complaining if Allison Williams was eating cupcakes naked in the tub or if Zosia Mamet was the one playing naked ping pong with Patrick Wilson. Dunham just recently had to defend herself during a Girls Season 3 press conference about her constant nudity:
"It's a realistic expression of what it's like to be alive. If you are not into me that's your problem and you are going to have to kind of work that out."
Dunham is hardly overweight. She looks like any girl you'd pass on the street and has no problems showing off areas with some jiggle or cellulite. She is not a perfect hourglass and she has really questionable choices in clothing (both in real life and as her character Hannah).
Hannah looked so cute in the first season...
I totally got her when Adam was getting her to exercise (and love the worn out clothes!)
And then she began regressing to shorteralls, rompers, and just anything tight and unflattering in the second season...
I'm sorry, I hate the outfit (WHERE ARE YOUR POCKETS?!), but I did not find the Patrick Wilson episode to be unrealistic or that Lena just hired him because she "could."
Basically, Lena hates pants in both fictional and real life.
She looks gorgeous when styled properly. I could see myself wearing this outfit.
Lena Dunham stands up for all the "average sized" girls and allows herself to be exposed and vulnerable all over cable and the media. Many criticize Hannah as a Brooklyn hipster or a "special snowflake," a term I've seen on many message boards, but I really don't mind those quirks As Hannah, she falls into both the navel gazing and self-deprecation traps, and while I don't always agree with her choices, I respect the fact that she is trying to grow as a person for herself and no one else.
I'm not trying to compare what I'm doing on this blog to what Lena Dunham does in Hollywood, but she's unknowingly encouraged me to start developing a thicker skin and to be unafraid of body criticism. Anyone who sits and trolls on the internet has no life anyway. I still haven't answered my Carrie Bradshaw musing, but I hope to find more answers as I work on accepting compliments and building my confidence in every area of my life.
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