27 Dresses, or 80s STYLE MONTAGE!

I always used to joke that I was turning into Katherine Heigl's character in the movie 27 Dresses.  I'd been in 4 weddings before my own, and then I was a bridesmaid 2 months after that.

Do we really need an excuse to gaze upon James Marsden?  No, no we do not.

I got lucky though, as my brides had good taste (and I'd like to think I was kind to my ladies with their choice of holly green short dresses).  Funny enough, I had the same style dress for the first two weddings, just in different colors.  Ha!  It always puzzled me why women would purposely have ugly bridesmaid dresses.  You're the bride, you're not going to be upstaged by anybody!  And then you'll have orange meringue poofs in your pictures forever!

Now that I'm down so many inches, I was curious about how I fit into these dresses again, including my own wedding dress!  I was also inspired by my friend B who just shared an amazing "after" picture in an old bridesmaid's dress.  I'm about the same weight that I was for the 2009 dresses, but my body is shaped differently.  This was a very interesting experiment!  I also found my old prom dresses, but that experiment won't be for a year or two.

My husband put on some 80s training montage music and snapped a bunch of pictures as I twirled and pouted and flounced with no spanx, messy hair and obvious bra straps.  I'm obviously getting more comfortable in my own skin!

Wedding Number 1:  April 28, 2007

Then:

Now:

I actually kinda love this now!!  I didn't have sass the first time.

Wedding Number 2:  October 4, 2009

Then:

Now:

This one was a bit tighter, but I was also 15 pounds smaller then.  Still, I felt much more confident with my body this time.

Wedding Number 3: October 31, 2009

Then:

Now:

Lucky that I just wore this a few weeks ago!  The waist is so much better now, which is funny because this was a couple weeks after the last wedding.  (It was a Halloween themed wedding in case that wasn't perfectly obvious.)

Wedding Number 4:  October 10, 2010

Then:

Now:

My boobs were a lot bigger then, but my belly's a lot smaller now.  I was 20-22 lbs heavier at that wedding.

Wedding 5:  July 22, 2012

Then:

Now:

Holy. Shit.  That was 48 pounds ago.  That dress is falling right off me.  AMAZING.

MY WEDDING!!  April 28, 2012

Then:

Now:

The wedding was 41 pounds ago.  Now the petticoat is falling off and the dress is so loose that it can be scooched all around.  Craziness.  What a feeling.

I treasure the memories and pictures with my friends and loved ones and was honored to be a part of their respective special days. I love my own wedding pictures and am finally getting around to making the album. But it truly feels so good to know that I'm on my way to getting into that blazing hot senior prom dress!

Revelations and Confidence

I've learned a lot about myself over the past few days.  I've done some very personal writing, I've gone on a job interview, and I've eaten reasonably within my calories, even during super bloat week.

The personal writing that I shared among a limited audience inspired friends to come share some personal and raw things with me.  It feels good to know that people feel comfortable enough to come talk to me about things of that nature.  I felt terrible to know that there are so many things that we as humans suffer in silence, and that's a big reason why I'm such an open book with my blogging.  

I was offered the job, but I turned it down.  When I found out what the position was in this interview, I started getting very stressed to the point that my vertigo came back in waves yesterday.  I've had a bit here and there today as well.  Thank goodness for the meds.  They called and offered the position to me this morning.  Though I'm not having the easiest time at my current job, this other job was way too stressful and the little bit of extra money I would have made probably would have gone straight to extra therapy after getting screamed at all day by customers in a micromanaged environment.  I learned what my stress limit is.  While things are far from perfect right now, it's a paycheck with benefits.  I can find a position more suited to me.  It will just take perseverance and work which I am willing to do.  I learned I don't just have to "jump" and be miserable.  If I wasn't employed, I would have taken it, but right now I am lucky enough to be more choosy.

The scale numbers are creeping slowly back to the 48 pound mark.  I just have to watch my sodium intake.  However, my strength is really developing, and I'm doing things I never imagined possible.  I had my husband take this video a week ago at the gym.  

It may be 5 pull-ups that aren't especially strong, but I'm still doing them.  On Tuesday, I did 3 reps of 5.  That was astonishing.  I just bought clothes at Forever 21.  I dressed up in my Mrs Lovett costume this past weekend that I had originally worn when I was 15 pounds smaller (and a lot bulkier in my mid-section).  

It is amazing to see the changes happening to my body, and I'm so proud.

I am capable of so much.  I don't have to settle for second best or just give up if I don't succeed the first time out.  I can take control of my life.  I CAN DO THIS.

Recipe Corner: My Go-To Breakfast Smoothie.

The title of this blog is "Sweaters and Smoothies," yet I haven't talked much about smoothies!

I have experimented a bit, asked advice on Facebook, pinned a bunch of recipes on Pinterest, and just randomly googled flavor combinations.  I would like to try more, but right now I have a go-to recipe that I try to drink every weekday morning.  I've noticed a difference in my body when I stop drinking them...apparently I don't get as much fruits and veggies as I should, and this is just a perfect and tasty way to get my nutrients.  I make it last through the morning at work until an hour or so before lunch.

It seems kind of silly to take pictures while I make it because it's ridiculously easy to throw together as long as you add the ingredients in order.

Strawberry-Banana-Peanut Butter Spinach Smoothie (with almond milk, flax, and protein)
Serves: 1  (20 oz)

First, you need the necessary utensils:  kickass blender (Black Friday sale, thank you), 1 cup, 1 tablespoon, and 1 stylish tumbler.

Pour one cup of plain unsweetened almond milk in the blender.  I like it unsweetened because it acts as a liquid base and doesn't make the smoothie overly sweet.  I prefer the kind of almond milk that you get in the dairy case because they tend not to have carrageenan.  That deceptive ingredient is everywhere, especially in almond milk that you can store in a pantry.  I like Trader Joe's brand:

But I really prefer Silk's brand.  It's 30 calories less and tastes nicer.  It's hard to find that at Trader Joe's, so I have to wait until we get to Giant to pick some up.  I'm fine going between the two.

I add a scoop of french vanilla flavored protein next so it absorbs in the liquid faster.  I was recommended this brand by a good friend who works at a health food/supplement store.  I also tried the strawberry and thought it was fine, but I prefer the vanilla.  I just like vanilla in everything!  My trainer prefers that I have whey protein.

Next, I add either 2 tablespoons of flaxseed or 1 tablespoon of chia seeds.  I was using chia seeds for awhile, but Trader Joe's was out of stock before a storm once, and I decided to give flaxseed a go.  I really like them both and can see going between the two.  The chia thickens the smoothie more, and I prefer a thicker texture.  But this flaxseed is just so tasty and healthy as well!

Fruit is next.  I typically hate bananas, but I've realized just how vital they are to giving a smoothie body and texture.  Plus, their health benefits are amazing.  I just hate the smell and taste, so I make sure to overpower it with other flavors.  I use half an organic Chiquita banana (to save on calories and taste).  Sometimes I peel one and freeze the other half, sometimes I actually stop being lazy and just break up and freeze the whole bunch of bananas so I'm always ready.

Next is 3/4 cup of strawberries.  I like getting frozen fruit because then I don't have to use ice (another great tip from a friend), and I don't have to worry about it going bad.  I've been known to throw away things without using them because they spoiled thanks to my kitchen laziness.  Bad habits, waste of money- no good.  Plus, I really should start to follow the motto that Weight Watchers always shared:  "Plan to succeed."  

I love to add a tablespoon of peanut butter for extra protein and flavor.  Smart Balance is my favorite.  I don't mind using the real stuff over the powdered because I only use half a serving, the taste is stronger, and it keeps me fuller longer.

This is the powdered peanut butter I sometimes use- recommended once again by my friend!  It tastes good, if a bit subtle, and has minimal calories and fat in comparison to regular peanut butter.  However, I'm actually more curious to see how it would taste in some of my baking recipes.  I do recommend it if you're looking for an alternative.

I add the greens last.  I tend to go for a big handful of organic baby spinach a lot because of the mild taste.  The final color is unappealing, but the spinach adds amazing nutrients and really cuts the sweetness down.  I have a hard time drinking smoothies without green veggies.  

I've also tried kale and Trader Joe's Power Greens that has kale, spinach, and baby chard.  All of the above is good, but spinach is my favorite.  

Put the lid on, hit blend on low, stop to scrape if necessary, give it a good final pulse....and you're done!

I make these before my shower in the morning so I can put the smoothie in the freezer to thicken for about a half hour.  If it's not a work day, I actually get a few chores done while waiting.  Imagine that!  

This is the nutritional content for this particular smoothie. (with TJ's almond milk, flaxseed, and spinach)

So tell me, what are your favorite smoothies? 

February Wrap Ups and Awesome People Acknowledgments

I only posted twice this month, and that's not like me.  Well, February is the shortest month, and it was a hell month between recovering from surgery, multiple snow storms, a 2 day power outage, and just overall stress.  It also doesn't help that I'm finishing the month during bloat week.  

Let's get right to the numbers and pictures:

February weight loss:  1 pound

Total weight loss:  46 pounds

My husband now wants to make sure we get back shots of me.  He always knows it's photo time when I come downstairs in this purple shirt.  I've decided not to wear it any other time.

At one point, I was actually down 48 pounds.  I have not changed this in my MyFitnessPal app as I intend to swiftly be back to that point.  I have been holding myself accountable with my trainer and her log.  February was the month of NSVs, as I described in my last entry.  I'm not upset with the results.  I know I should hopefully be back to 48 pounds after next week, and I'm really looking forward to hitting the 50 mark.  51 pounds will be my second 10 percent goal, and I will be treating myself to a new tattoo.  I'm already going to see a few Broadway shows in April, so I wanted to treat myself to something different.

This picture is from my desk at work.

The top picture was sent to me on Facebook from my best friend who is a runner, and it means quite a bit to me.  I also find it fun because I do do a 16 minute mile!  The bottom picture was just sent to me on this blog from a fellow blogger, and I just love it.  Success, especially in regards to weight loss, is hardly linear.  It got me thinking about all the outpouring of support I've received for this blog, and I've truly never had more fun writing online in over 10 years.  I know it's only been a couple months, but I've already received 2,000+ hits for this blog, and it feels amazing.  I would like to take a minute to thank those in my life who have been so supportive (and I'm purposely giving them vague anonymity, as I would never want anyone to feel awkward).

To my husband L...you fell in love with me at my heaviest, loved me 45 lbs lighter, married me 50 pounds heavier, and can't keep your hands off me now.  I know that's because I'm gaining self-confidence, and the fact that we can fully wrap our arms around each other is an amazing feeling. You're still not allowed to lift me until I get to onederland.  Thank you for all your love and encouragement and standing by me no matter what.  I love you with all my heart and soul.  

To my trainer D...you have given me so much physical and spiritual guidance.  I look forward to every Tuesday night.  Your patience is unending, and you're very sneaky in how you give me a tough workout without me knowing until halfway through.  You've guided me in building my strength like never before and shaping my body to finally look the way it was meant to look.  

To my bester DB, you've been my cheerleader for way over a decade.  Your pom poms and support are always so positive and make me feel great and accomplished.  I've learned quite a bit from you in terms of healthy eating and exercise, and I love that we enjoy so many of the same healthy organic foods now.  Your the Amy to my Tina!  And of course, your wonderful husband E has been so supportive as well.  Thank you for being my family.  So much love!

To my hofosho AS, I love lamp, and I love you.  You were the first one to say to me last year "Holy crap, look at your tiny waist," and that statement was a game changer for me. I never thought my body was capable of that, and it motivated me all the more.  Thank you for always being there and for being so kind, and thanks also to your wonderful husband I who has been a great ear over the past year with this topic.    

To my person DH, thank you for commiserating with me about this topic and being such a great support in my life.  You've seen me at my tiniest (in what, elementary school? ha), and you've never judged me no matter how big I got.  You've always seen me for me.  Thank you so much for that.

To my bff JK, thank you for telling me your whole family has been enjoying the blog, that means a lot.  You've always been so encouraging of my writing over the years, and I truly appreciate it.  We don't discuss weight a great deal, but knowing that you notice and encourage my journey means a great deal.

To my bestie BM, you have been nothing but loving and encouraging to me for all the years we've been friends.  Rather than get mushy, I'd really prefer to do a bunch of inside jokes in a Samantha Jones voice, so I'll just leave it at this:  I adore you.  Thank you.

To my nan...thank you for finally saying that I'm shaping up and looking good.  We've had a rocky journey in regards to discussing weight, but the fact that you can see how I'm changing (and how you want to steal my sweaters when they get too big) means a lot.  You'll never see this, but I love you with all my heart, and I'm glad you're seeing my progress.

To my in-laws V & B...thank you for the kindness and encouragement in this journey.  I wish I could be as athletic as you guys, but I appreciate that you see our differences and support me in all my accomplishments that I've been slowly making.  It means so much to me.  To my brother-in-law B, thank you for telling me even as far back as June what "fucking great" progress I've been making.  I know you don't just say things like that, and I truly appreciate your noticing and making sure to let me know.  Love you guys.

To all my cousins on the other coast, I really wish I got to see you more, and I appreciate all your support, "likes," comments, and everything you do to let me know that you care from 3000 miles away.  Thank you, and I love you all!!!  To my husband's cousin SG- thank you for always supporting me on here!  I hope I can meet you soon.  And to JR, you look amazing, and thank you for always listening to me about anything!

To LK and AK...thank you for being back in my life and so present and attentive.  I love you guys so damn much, and A- I'm so proud of everything you've accomplished as well!

To JC, thank you for the encouragement and support.  It means a lot that you read this.  To your hubby RC, thank you for asking me on Halloween where the rest of me went.  I hadn't seen you guys in 10 months, and it felt really good to hear that.  You guys are awesome.

To AS, thank you for making me feel like a rock star a few weeks ago.  You're a goddamn gorgeous superstar as far as I'm concerned, and I love you.

To CB and KR, thank you for getting me into the world of weight loss apps.  You both look fabulous, and I truly appreciate all the input.

To DS and HRB, thank you for all the advice regarding running and shoes, etc. I keep your advice in mind often and know that this is not a competition, that this is for me.

To NP, thank you for acknowledging how much more weight I've lost every time I see you...I'm practically blushing and going OH YOU.  You're awesome, bear.

To MM, it means a lot that your awesome sensei self has complimented me so profusely over the year.  We miss you!

To my old high school pals HS, AF, and AJ....thank you ladies for constantly supporting me on my entries and accomplishments.  I've loved chatting with you about this, and I know you will be accomplishing all your similar goals as well!!  Remember, we all got this.  To DG, thank you for being the inspiration for this blog.  Your blog was so honest, and I was riveted by your journey.  You look amazing.

To my dear friends who I mostly see online, BD, SBT, LC, JJG, ER, CZP, LL, thank you for always supporting me in everything I do.  Wish I could see you guys more and give you a big hug.

To my friends who have been "liking" and commenting on Facebook, texting, privately messaging, leaving comments here....THANK YOU.  I wish I could acknowledge you all, but then we'd be in a sea of confusing initials.

It just feels so good to know that I'm not alone in this journey.  Only two months into the second year, and I already feel so much love.

NSV Joy: Numbers Don't Always Matter

I've been in hiding from blogging for a little bit because I've been so down about how my scale numbers have gone up about 2 pounds.  This upsets me because this blog is for documenting the ups and downs.  I can't just show the sunny and cheery side of things.

I lost 6 pounds after the oral surgery/soft diet, but then I put on 1.2 pounds last Monday after going back to a more normal diet.  To anybody else, this would be expected and not such a huge deal.  Then I just put on another 1.6 pounds this morning after having a more indulgent weekend than usual.  That's a total of 2.8 pounds, which normally wouldn't be anything to freak about.  I understand how this weekend was a big combo of ridiculous salt and carbs intake + bloat week beginning (sorry if TMI, but I just want to be honest.)= 1.6 pounds back.  I could be down .6 pounds tomorrow for all I know.  I've tried to be very mindful today and just rode the stationary bike for 45 minutes while watching My 600 Pound Life.  Yeah, talk about a motivational tool!  

What I have to keep remembering is that these ups and downs happen.  I just get so hard on myself when I'm not making continual progress, but that's also why I have MyFitnessPal and my trainer to keep me accountable.  However, I've been seeing really good progress elsewhere, and while I'm thrilled, it also frustrates me even more when I don't see numbers budge.

Here are a list of the significant NSVs (Non Scale Victories) I've seen over the last month:

1. I just did push-ups.  I just did actual unassisted push-ups with my husband as a witness.  He says I can go down lower, and I did for only one or two, but I don't care!!!  My left arm has never bent for a push-up in my whole life.  It just trembled and refused to move.  I used to do push-ups on my knees in school and now I do it on the exercise ball.  But I realized that my ball at home is so low to the floor, and if I was doing really good push-ups on that...why not try it for real?  And I succeeded.  Holy crap, you guys.  LIFELONG GOAL ACHIEVED!

2. I can see my toes.  Now granted, I can't tell you if there's a full pedi going on, but I can see that toes exist.  I suck in my stomach and it turns pretty flat.  I push it out all the way, and I look pregnant, but I can still see my toes.  Hello, old friends.  I now wear ribbed fitted shirts that I haven't worn in years, even ones with light horizontal stripes.  I can layer t-shirts over them like it's the 1990s.

3. I can turn around to my left and see the beginning of my shoulder blade tattoo.  It's just the one top purple star (I'm not a contortionist), but my back and shoulder fat has really minimized.

4. The 7 dollar corduroys I got at the thrift store last month?  I can already yank them off without having to unbutton them.  What. UP.

5. My husband can wrap his arms all the way around me.  He doesn't become a floating head when he stands behind me and holds me.  There is nothing more humiliating for me than being able to completely obscure the person I love.

Ok, so I ended this with sunshine and lollipops, but I think it's good to remember how much progress I've made despite these pesky 2.8 pounds.

"Sugar, she's got the power, soothes my soul for half an hour, half an hour...."

These have absolutely been the craziest few weeks.  The snowpocalypse is never ending!  Last week, we lost power for 2 days and we have an all electric house.  Combine that with 20 degree nights, and yeah, that was hell on earth.  We were terrified of pipes bursting (despite constant running water), and we learned that we're able to sleep in a 49 degree house.  Not something one really wants to learn!  The power went out last Wednesday at 6:45 am and came back on Thursday at 8:35 pm.  I am so relieved that didn't happen when I was recovering from surgery.  My husband's parents were more than willing to have us stay over, but we just felt more comfortable knowing what was going on with the house at night.

Needless to say, I could have completely messed up my diet during this time.  Instead, I lost another pound!  This soft diet has been very helpful.  Naturally, I could have eaten some really bad things, but I still chose not to.  In fact, I just had my heaviest meals in 2 weeks today, and my stomach is crying right now.  We got lots of exercise with shoveling snow and walking around in 10 inches of snow.  I didn't snack at all, but my meals were certainly substantial.  I don't think it's really going to affect me though, as I realized what has been holding me back and kept me on a plateau for months...

SUGAR

WHITE SUGARY SNACKS

I didn't realize I had such a sweet tooth.  The soft diet has kept me from cookies and other useless sugary snacks.  I'm ok with ice cream...for some reason, I think the milk keeps me full with a half cup.  Donuts and pastries are just evil for me.  I love cake products so much, it's not even funny.  And if I may pat myself on the back, my homemade cupcakes are decadently amazing.  

I was ok staying away from crunchy Doritos and chips.  I tend to count out my serving sizes, and then I have to put the bag away.  The more I stayed away from addictive sweets, the more I didn't crave them.  When I got back to work, I tried a couple lemonade Girl Scout cookies and chewed very carefully.  My body started telling me "more...just one more...come on..."  It freaked me out.  You may say, Well DUH, but I didn't realize what an addictive substance white sugar is.  I read about organic and raw sugar, and while they're better for you in terms of being chemical free, they still break down in your body the same way as regular white sugar.

I don't plan on banning sugary products altogether, but I certainly plan on cutting them down big time.  I realized that I get hungrier with more cravings when I eat those snacks.  My trainer has always said that carbs with no protein is just the worst thing for me and my body chemistry.  She's always told me that if I must have a donut that it should be immediately eaten after lunch or dinner so my blood sugar doesn't spike.  If I eat nothing but carbs for breakfast (sometimes that would be a donut or two), my appetite and mood will be off for the rest of the day.  I crash very hard with just carbs.  In fact, I don't know how I did so much shoveling this morning after having Trader Joe's French toast with syrup.  That's probably why I overcompensated with lunch and dinner.  However, the only snack I had was a little Coke, and it tasted gross and syrupy.  High fructose corn syrup is so evil, but we all know that.

I figure I need to start cooking again, and while I will still bake decadent treats, I want to be able to make other healthier and more natural options as well.  My best friend directed me to this cool website called My Whole Food Life, and the recipes look really good!

So, I'm down 48 pounds and SO close to my second goal.  I'm excited to be this close to 50 lbs down, and I'm fitting into clothes really well.  We went to a one night Broadway revival concert on Saturday, and I looked FABULOUS in my size 16 dress, if I do say so myself.

I changed into strappy black heels a block away from the theatre.  Considering we walked about 6 miles in the city, I'm sure as hell glad I made the sensible decision!  It's worth it to drag extra shoes with you in a cute satin bag (hidden in the plastic bag).  But look, I have ankles!  Holy crap, right?  

Another NSV is that I can look down and see my toes, even with my stomach pushed out.  I can't tell you if there's a full pedicure going on, but I can tell you that toes exist.

I also finally shoveled snow for the first time in 3 years.  My husband was kind enough to spoil me for 3 years, but now I'm at a point where shoveling is good for my cardio!  Now we have 2 snow shovels.  

Check out the LAYERS!!  That Game of Thrones Lannister shirt never even fit this well on its own in the summer!  And for fans, look, my coat turned me into a Wildling.  

On that note, my husband is definitely not doing the traditional flowers and candy thing for Valentine's Day this year.  Flowers tend to make me sad because they die, and candy is just the worst thing for me now!  So, he bought me half of the new Game of Thrones Pop Figures and gave them to me early.  

We collect all of them, so this is genuinely exciting for me!

I will probably have more to say on the sugar topic another time, as the manager of my gym lent me the past August issue of National Geographic all about sugar and why we can't resist it.  In the meantime, I'm just working on controlling my cravings and not eating for the hell of it during these cabin fever winter storms.

The Oral Surgery Rite of Passage & Soft Diet + January Progress & Wrap Up

I've been a little quiet because I got all four wisdom teeth pulled on Thursday.  Well, I wasn't exactly quiet on Facebook (sorry, friends!), but I was in no mood to blog anything.

I never had surgery in my life (I know, I'm very lucky), and it was my first time getting anesthesia and nitrous oxide.  I woke up freaking out because I didn't realize that I had even fallen asleep.  I swore that only 2 minutes had passed when it was really a half hour.  And then I started crying my eyes out because I was so freaked out by the loss of time and just what had really happened.  A friend shared a good theory that since one is not quite "asleep" with dental anesthesia, emotional freaking occurs once the body starts realizing the trauma it endured for a half hour.  I think that's a really good possibility for what happened to me because I am such a pain wimp, especially when it comes to anything involving my mouth. (and I had a tongue ring for 7 years!)

The first day was a liquid diet.  I couldn't eat after midnight before the surgery (no problem, it was at 8:45 am), and I finished my huge dinner around 8 pm.  Here's a screen grab of my food tracker for Wednesday: (and before you ask, I hardly make all those choices anymore, I was very stressed cleaning up all my piles at work and just wanted some damn bacon during the day.  I also wanted to fill up my tummy big time for Thursday.  Looks like I succeeded!)

One cool thing about MyFitnessPal is that after you complete your day, it will tell you what you'll weigh in 5 weeks if you eat like that every day.  I was told I'd gain 7 lbs.  Yeah, and this was not too off from what I used to eat for years.  Well, that's eye opening!

On our way to the oral surgeon....

Top left: On our way home and dazed.

Bottom left:  What fresh hell is this?
Right:  Yes, there are English Breakfast teabags in my clotting and sore mouth, f**k off!

Yeah, I was not a happy camper on Thursday and most of Friday.  The liquid diet was crazy to get used to.  By the evening, any little smell or sight of food was setting my tummy into huge growls.  But I didn't feel like eating because it hurt to open my mouth too wide.  The broth and slushy food just felt like a nutritional obligation by that point.

I rather liked the notice I got from MyFitnessPal after I completed the day:

Glad to see they don't encourage anorexic behavior.  (Not like they would, but you know what I mean!)

I woke up on Wednesday mildly hungry even though I hadn't really eaten for over 30 hours by that point.  I knew I couldn't just grab anything since the soft diet was about to take effect.  I didn't eat until around 11 am because I just didn't feel like putting the effort into food, and it was becoming easy to not eat.  That feeling freaked me out.  I got on the scale with clothes on just for the hell of it, and I had dropped 2 pounds.  That freaked me out all the more.  I immediately went to go cook some eggs and ricotta with a side of applesauce.  There was no way in hell I was going to encourage that behavior!

The only side effects besides a sore mouth (hurts to laugh or yell) was on Friday after breakfast...I was doing the salt water rinse and couldn't get the egg out of my bottom wounds.  The doctor's office told me to come in and he demonstrated with a syringe how to clear my mouth out if anything gets caught.  I've been using it faithfully since-  if anybody gets an extraction, make sure you're sent home with one of these!  Otherwise, I was just a lump on the couch for 4 days.  I didn't go to work today because of a never-ending snowstorm in our area, but I appreciate the extra rest.  

I got on the scale today, like I normally do on Monday mornings, and I had dropped 3.4 pounds in a week.  WHAT?  That is crazy considering I was on prednisone, about to start that oh-so-fun time of the month, and eating within my targeted calorie range again.  I don't know what happened, and I don't like the fact that starving for a day helped, but I guess I can consider it a mini-cleanse that broke my plateau.  I don't intend on doing that again unless I have to have surgery (knock wood), so let's just call it a well-timed event.

Normally, I would do the progress post separately, but I think it ties in nicely with the last 4 days, so let's get to it!

January weight loss:  4.4 pounds

Total weight loss:  45 pounds (I rounded up the .2, sue me)

My husband was making me laugh as he took the picture, so at least I don't look cranky this month.

The scale numbers were pretty stubborn this month, but I think I'll have a much more successful February now that I see that burst of progress.  I think this current week long soft diet is helpful because it's making me really think about what I'm eating.  Plus, I think it'll break me of the cookie habit I was forming.  

Lots of NSVs this month...I bought a pair of pants and a dress that were both size 16!  That's most certainly due to the cut and brand of each, but I'd say it's an accomplishment.  I plan on writing about how inconsistent sizing and numbers are in the near future.  I also layered for the first real time and zipped my knee high boots with no problems or squeezing.

My favorite PJ pants are beyond huge...as is this shirt that you can see me wearing tightly while clinging onto James Marsters in my very first post.  These are the pants I can't wear while doing Wii dance games.

Feeling good in my new skirt and haircut and the aforementioned boots, even after eating that huge meal.  Military green chevron pencil skirt?  Yes please.

I am 5 pounds away from my second goal, and I'm really excited and proud!  I know that's what will encourage me to keep going, even during this cold and nasty weather.  

Cabin Fever and Calorie Consumption

If you live in the Northeastern part of the United States, you know just how brutal the weather is right now.  

It was colder than Alaska at one point around here.

It's freakin' FRIGID.  

For once, I empathize with Jon Snow.

It hasn't been this bad in years, especially with the constant snowstorms, ice, and temperatures significantly below freezing.  I get in the car, go to work, maybe go out to grab food at lunch if I didn't bring anything, get in the car, and go straight home under the blanket.  It's so cold that I just want to put on jammies and ignore anything that involves actual movement.  Why the hell would I want to go back outside when I have my Sheldon Cooper sofa spot, comfy jammies, and two fuzzy blankets for the sofa?

I don't want to bring clothes with me to the gym because I hate changing in public.  I've actually gotten into a good routine of running home, jumping in my tank and yoga pants, grabbing my water, and running back out the door.  These past couple weeks have really thrown me.  I try to do some Wii dance games, but it's not enough.  I want to work my entire body on the treadmill.  And when I sit at home, I'm more tempted to consume junk.

We don't really have a lot of junk around the house anymore, but I manage to find the cookies and Hershey Kisses.  One of my problems is that I try to be so good with my main meals so I have enough calories leftover to snack.  I have significantly cut my snacking, but I still have work to do.  I have carrots and hummus in the fridge, but the Turkey Hill all natural ice cream is so much more appealing.  I have 100 calorie fat free Hershey's pudding that I end up topping with a tablespoon of chocolate chips and squirt of Reddi Whip.  That one isn't too bad until the chips turn into two tablespoons and the whipped cream is being aimed directly in the mouth because "one extra bit can't be so bad."  Right.  Tell me another one, self.  

My trainer has been working with me on the snacking.  We have discussed how even though I'm staying within the calorie range that I could be making better choices with the quality of food I'm eating.  I may do better with food that has fat versus sugar, but high sodium blows me up and makes me lethargic.  I get so focused on the calorie counting that I don't look at the big picture.  I feel like I've been in a weird plateau with the scale numbers, but I've had so much progress with how my clothes fit.  I just bought a new dress that's a size 16!!  That is absolutely major for me.  We also discussed how I need to absolutely keep tracking on MyFitnessPal as the day goes on.  I was falling into a habit of recording things at the end of the day.  I absolutely need to see what my intake is throughout the day and how I can budget out portions and treats by the end of the day.    

I want to work on being more conscious about my protein and veggies and avoiding carbs at night, but it gets hard at this time of the year.  I'm proud that I finally said Screw it and went to the gym this morning.  My joints felt so much better after I did so.  I don't want something as crazy as weather to hold me back from my goals.  I know that this month is not going to be particularly high for the scale loss and that we all go through periodic plateaus.  However, I'm going to be wearing a smaller hot ass glam dress in NYC next month, so I'm feeling pretty damn good.  

I really do love this blog because it's holding me accountable and keeping me motivated by publicly chatting about these topics.  I normally would whine and kvetch to my husband and trainer, but I think it's time that their ears get a break.  Let's just keep fingers crossed that the snow will ease up and that we'll hit a heatwave of 33 degrees soon!

Building Layers One Piece at a Time

Today I did something that I've refused to do over the last 18 years.

I layered clothing.

Hold your applause...I know, what a boring revelation, huh?

Seriously though, I was a teen in the 1990s when layering was a huge trend.  Just think of the cardigans and baby doll dresses, short sleeve shirts over long sleeved ribbed shirts, sweaters and collared shirts...it was hell for someone who didn't want add extra bulk to her body.  I felt self-conscious and uncomfortable.

As I started gaining weight, I wore short sleeve shirts in the winter because my work places were always stale and hot.  Yes, even in 12 degree weather!  My "uniform" of jeans, t-shirts, and hoodies was appropriate for fall and spring, but I wore it all year long, whether sticky or freezing.  Hide...but without bulk.
When I had to start wearing nicer clothes at the bank, I didn't always choose the most flattering pieces, and the most layering I did was an open cardigan or jacket.  Jackets are often awkward for me because of my pear shape.  I hardly ever wore sweaters because the temperature was either boiling or freezing, and I preferred cold over heat.  I would use my mini-fan every single day, no matter the temperature.

At my current office job, the thermostat still caused divisive drama, and I still used my fan daily.  As soon as I bought a new one (it was 3 years old and getting loud), I suddenly began to experience the internal body temperature change that often comes with weight loss.  Of course.  I think I used the new fan for about a month.

I started getting cold when I would go to supermarkets or movie theatres this past summer, and I really started digging around for hoodies and long sleeved shirts in the fall.  It was the strangest feeling to suddenly be cold!  Granted, our heating system had to be replaced and we were freezing during a suddenly cold October and November (the Northeast is weird lately), but I was still cold at work and after we got the new system installed.

I am usually in a sweater or covered in a blanket now.  I thrive on outerwear.  I just discovered the joy of bundling up in 3 blankets when it's below freezing at bedtime.  Socks are suddenly a necessity.  We just had another blizzard, and today was about a high of 14-18 degrees.  I dug through a bag I was going to donate and pulled out all the sweaters.  I found my bulkiest one (that I wore maybe 3 times before), put a tank top underneath, and put on leggings underneath corduroy pants and Old Navy fake Uggs.

I WORE ALL THOSE LAYERS AND STILL PUT A BLANKET ON AT HOME.

WHO AM I?!

The sweaters are size large and are still accentuating the spare tire around my waist a bit more than I'd like, but I don't care.  They fit a hell of a lot better than they used to!

Bulky and proud.

And seriously?  I could never get pants on over leggings for the past few years.  This is nothing short of amazing for me.  Major NSV!

I'm going to be writing about clothing sizes and their inconsistencies soon.  Remember these corduroys, as they will be making a big guest appearance again!  Right now, I'm just happy to be fulfilling the title of this blog as I snuggle in my cozy knit sweater on this frigid night.  

"I Look Back at Where I'm From, Look at the Woman I've Become..."

I found this really great post that went viral a year or so ago from a tumblr blog called "The Body Love Blog."  It hasn't been updated for over a year for what seems to be personal reasons.  If she had only posted the aforementioned post and nothing else, I still would give her a standing ovation.  I'm not brave enough to do what she does in that post, but a big point of my blog is to show a lady with a jiggly and imperfect fat body on her journey to getting healthy.  I don't want to show a lot of skin, but some of those pictures I've shared really don't leave much to the imagination.  There are still some things I'm keeping for me.  Chicken?  A little.  Private?  I'm an open book, but I do have boundaries.  Shy?  Most definitely!  Not ready to fend off the inevitable negativity that would come my way by anonymous chickenshit commenters?  Ding ding ding!

I hope to find the confidence that brave women like this blogger have.  I was also insulted quite a bit during childhood through my teen years.  Here are some of the hurtful things regarding weight and sexuality that I've heard over the years:

--In elementary school, I was being teased by a couple brothers in the neighborhood, and as I tried to get away and open the door, one started really pulling on my arm.  My mother tracked down his mother to confront her about his inappropriate and harmful behavior, and their mother just waved it off while saying "Boys will be boys!"  I never saw my mother ready to punch someone like I did that day.  I learned that willful bullying boys with inattentive parents are allowed to get away with anything.  They had made fun of my weight, along with another boy in a nearby neighborhood.  My father tried to intimidate the crap out of the latter boy, but the kid would yell when he saw me, "Your daddy can't help you now!!"  (Though he never really did anything but yell insults.)

--There was a short-lived TV show called Babes in 1990 that centered around three large women.  I was 9 years old and chunkier than most of the kids in my class.  I asked my emotionally and physically abusive father, "Daddy, would you still love me if I was ever that big?"  He paused for a couple beats and said, "No Chris, I wouldn't."  I know he had followup statements, but I was so stunned and hurt that I completely blocked it all from my brain.  For the record, he was a yo-yo dieter/smoker/drug addict that died of a heart attack at 38 years old.  More on that another time.

--After my father died, one of his coworkers came over to "console" my mother.  I hadn't seen him for ages and only knew him by his last name.  He said, "Oh no, you can call me 'first name' " and came upstairs.  He saw my mother and proceeded to maul her face with his tongue.  She was pushing him away, and thankfully my godfather (and fellow coworker) was over.  Thinking back, this loser was in a stained undershirt and was probably drunk.  He apparently lived nearby, and he was tickled pink that my father was dead.  He went on about this in front of a disabled, abused widow and her 10 year old daughter.  People at their work told him to stay the hell away from us, and while he did, I never forgot what happened.  I repressed it to the back of my mind, but I was horrified by the fact that someone felt like they could just come take advantage of a vulnerable woman.

--We moved to a different state where I began 6th grade in a new school.  Middle school students can be the cruelest at that ridiculously awkward phase.  I wore an awesome pair of multicolored flowered leggings and a black top on the first day of school.  A girl who lived in my development and befriended me in class came over that evening.  She snapped (I think she was legit crazy) when I said something she didn't like or agree with and started going off on me.  My mother had to come in and kick her out.  But she called me "thunder thighs," and I hardly wore leggings without a crazy huge shirt or sweatshirt ever again.

--I was a misfit outcast by 7th grade who was starting to really sneak eat at home and overeat at my grandmother's house.  There was this one kid in my class who was new but managed to win everybody over.  He would make lewd and obscene comments about what he wanted to do to my body to make the kids in the class laugh.  Once, I was squatting down in front of the coat closet and going through my schoolbag, and he draped himself over me from behind like "Hey girl, I just want to feel that," to the laughs of other students.  My male teacher was in the classroom and didn't say or do anything.  He never did.  I felt like I couldn't tell anybody.

--I was in a new school by 8th grade.  In 9th grade, I was sitting at a lunch table I didn't really care to be at, and there was a table behind me full of thuggish older guys.  One of them made it his mission to make fun of me every lunch period, and some of the girls at the next lunch table would laugh and encourage him.  One day, the ringleader of the group draped himself over me from behind (what the hell is it with these guys?!) and told me that I should go home and keep fucking my mother.  I don't remember what happened after that, but my friend and I moved to the other side of the cafeteria the next day.  Since two of the guys in the group were on my bus, I was terrified that they were going to torture me as well.  The one didn't care (and passivity is just as bad), and the other one used to try and poke at me every now and then.  One day, I heard him say "She wouldn't be too bad looking if she would just fuckin talk."  Something to that effect.  Gee, how nice that I wasn't hard on the eyes of a douchebag.  I was thought of as a chunky snob because I was shy and quiet.  The rest of high school was ok on the "fear" front, but 9th grade was seriously crappy.

--I got turned down often because guys just "wanted to be friends."  This began when I was between a size 14-16, so you can imagine what happened when the weight started packing on.

--I've had gross catcalls come my way down the streets of NYC.  You could say, "Ok, who hasn't?!" but it doesn't make it right.  It made me want to cover up my body with a hoodie and jeans and sneakers for years in the sticky summertime.  I also had one of the owners from the train newsstand constantly hit on me to the point that he said he was going to take me to his country and make me his princess.  Once he almost beat the crap out of someone for cursing in front of me.  Creepy machismo.

--Mall employees can be incredibly catty, gossipy, and awful.  I endured varied harassment at my store from 1999 through 2006.  It was one of the "cool" stores, so you were expected to just go along with the flow.  I have plenty of blog material for how the mall's junk food combined with my weak willpower and depression contributed to the weight gain, but that's for another time.  I had very low self esteem and was happy when guys actually paid attention to me.  I would cling to nearly anyone at my store who wanted to give me the time of day.  There was one guy that, in retrospect, was such a disgusting pig that I don't know why I let him near me.  He kept trying to get me to sleep with him (I didn't), and he would inappropriately grab me all the time.  I didn't think it was a big deal because he was kinda cute and charming, but (once again, what the hell!), he came in the store some time after he quit, snuck up behind me and started dry humping me in the back of the store.  I pushed him off with a laugh, and yet I still felt flattered.  I allowed myself to be treated like a piece of meat in that store by men far too often, and it's all because I was ashamed of my weight and thought no one would want me.

Tonight, I learned from these anecdotes that guys often tried to attack me from behind.  No wonder I prefer my husband to be the big spoon and to keep me safe from behind.  I've had various "naked in public" dreams over the years, but after I met my husband, he would appear in these dreams to hold and cover me.  I know he has my back if others try to attack.

Damn, this blog is really therapeutic.

I was very wary of people for so long and desperately didn't want to be a misfit.  By the time I got to college and started opening my mind (and gaining the weight), I resigned myself to being the "fat funny friend."  Now, I embrace being a geeky misfit.  I want to be a soft, curvy, retro styled kind of gal.  I'm tempted to get tattooed lyrics from the song "Midnight Radio" from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I am finally coming to terms with myself as a woman who demands and deserves respect no matter what size I am or what tight pants I happen to be wearing.

Rain falls hard
Burns dry
A dream
Or a song
That hits you so hard
Filling you up
And suddenly gone

Breathe Feel Love
Give Free
Know in you soul
Like your blood knows the way
From you heart to your brain
Know that you're whole

And you're shining
Like the brightest star
A transmission
On the midnight radio
And you're spinning
Like a 45
Ballerina
Dancing to your rock and roll

Here's to Patti
And Tina
And Yoko
Aretha
And Nona
And Nico
And me

And all the strange rock and rollers
You know you're doing all right
So hold on to each other
You gotta hold on tonight

And you're shining
Like the brightest stars
A transmission
On the midnight radio

And you're spinning
Your new 45's
All the misfits and the losers
Yeah, you know you're rock and rollers
Spinning to your rock and roll

Lift up your hands