August Progress Numbers and Wrap Up

Yes, I know, it's September 15 and I'm only just getting around to August's numbers.

It's going to have to be a short post this time.  I don't even have the proper compare/contrast picture because it's been so busy.

Numbers!

August Weight Loss:  -3 pounds
2014 Weight Loss:  -17 pounds
Total Weight Loss:  -58 pounds

I'm pretty damn happy with that, although I'm not thrilled about the fact that I don't eat when I'm stressed now.  And I'm very often stressed.

Guys, 2014 has been the craziest damn year.  I have so much that I want to post, but I'm just exhausted at night!

I have a Facebook page for this blog.  You are more than welcome to follow that, as I tend to post pix on there.  I'm at work now, so I don't have my folder of August pix with me.  I will share one that I recently posted on my Sweaters & Smoothies Facebook.  And for the record, I'm already wearing a hoodie, but I've been terrible about my smoothies.  :-(   I'm going to blame the j-o-b.  Seriously guys, it's been 3 months and I need to get out.  It's just not what I expected it to be.

A few quick things:

-We got 2 new cats at the end of August!!!!  Expect to hear about them later.
-I'm going to actually do a sexy Halloween costume.  Velma Kelly from Chicago, here I come.  "And all that jazz."
-My husband can lift and hold me off the ground.  I think that's my favorite NSV of all.

When I posted the left picture exactly 4 years ago, I was about 10 lbs and a few inches heavier than I am today on the right. I said in the caption back then that today was the start of continuing my weight loss. Then as life went crazy in every draining way possible, I swiftly gained back the 45 lost pounds and then some.

Today, on the right, I am 58 pounds and a lot of inches down from my highest weight ever. I am at my lowest number since...I'm going to say maybe 2000? 2001? Life may once again be crazy draining (in different ways), but I can't let it hold me back. I see the happiness and the change in me, and I know the way I went about it this time is the correct lifestyle changing way. Looking forward to the next 35 lbs, no matter how long it takes.

July Progress Numbers and Wrap Up

I didn't intend for this to be almost a week late, but once again, life has proven itself to be unpredictable and crazy.  I didn't get as many pictures this month either, but that's probably because my hair has looked like ass.  Thanks, humidity!

Let's get to the numbers, as I am SUPER excited!  I finally broke my 2 month gain/plateau, and it feels amazing.  I am one pound away from the lowest Weight Watchers number back in 2009, and then my first huge goal is ridiculously attainable.  

Weight:  -3
2014 Weight loss: 14 pounds
Weight loss:  55 pounds

Back on track!  Hooray!  It's even more exciting since I've barely been able to get to the gym more than once a week.  I want to, but I have a lot of family crap going on right now.  That crap has been like a domino effect since May.

July 4 was a lot of fun.  I don't even think I overate!

Like kids again with sparklers!  It was such a beautiful day.  

I've been making more of an effort to get outside this summer.  I'm crazy busy at my new job now, but I make a point to go outside for at least 5-10 minutes every day, even just to walk the big parking lot while checking my phone.  The burst of vitamin D feels good.

Not weight loss related, but I upgraded to a 5C and it's so prettyyyyy.  I named it Miss Hedwig.  Yes, I name my gadgets, what of it?  I had to take a picture since my color/style coordination was a complete coincidence.  This phone is so much faster and has a great camera, so it will be helpful as a weight loss tool.

Wearing a shirt that used to make me look like a puffball.  I look upset, but I was actually surprised.

The day I got back on track with my running...only to be forced off again shortly thereafter.  Sigh.

We went to NYC to see Rocky: The Musical for a second time before it closes in mid-August.  Yes, that's my husband standing next to me- he approved the use of this picture.  A friend took this sneak shot of me wildly gesturing while talking to Rocky himself, Andy Karl.  Yeah, I'm pretty dramatic.  Shocking, huh?  I was surprised at how much I actually like this picture of me.  I actually don't mind the way my back looks.  And of course I'm going to like any picture involving me and Andy.  This was also the day that we ran throughout the city as I discussed in my last entry.

We saw Of Mice and Men with James Franco and Chris O'Dowd that night.  Of course I had to stage door, especially considering Franco's obsession with Instagram and selfies.  The security actually briefed the crowd on how to take a proper selfie.  LOLZ forever.  I took a bunch of pix of him looking like a slithering creepoid in his hat and glasses as he slithered past everyone, but I'm going to post this one as I'm doing the OMGJAMESFRANCO face.  He's been on my top 10 for years.  Freaks & Geeks forever, man.

My last post involved a comparison picture of 2011 vs 2014, and I'd like to post a bigger version of the recent 2014 pic.

I don't know why I had an obsession with spaghetti straps when there was so much fat on my upper body.  It's nice to see that it doesn't look like the straps are disappearing anymore.  Mind you, I do have thick bra straps in this recent shot.  Is it wrong that I don't care about bra straps when I'm not at work?  I try to make sure that they match or blend with the shirt...

Total awesomeness.  The left picture was in 2011 (the same vacation as the above comparison picture), and now the shorts are falling off me.  My black shorts are in hot pursuit.  

Perhaps my biggest NSV in awhile.  I could never wear those exercise shorts outside the house for years since they would always ride up my thighs.  Now they're loose and I could go to the gym in them while stopping to do a couple errands on the way home.  That was an awesome feeling.  Stacy London and Clinton Kelly would be pissed at me for going out and about in this outfit, but I don't care...it felt good!

Hoping to have another picture after the treadmill this month, and hoping that it won't be just one time!  I need August to pick up.  I can't believe we're in the 8th month.  Where the HELL is time going?

"Running to the future, with you right by my side"

I'm really not much of a runner.

I can actually get up to 4 mph now on the treadmill, but it's not one of my favorite pastimes.  I enjoy the challenge, but as of now, I'm just doing it to gain endurance, burn calories, and strengthen my lungs and heart.  It doesn't really give me a high right now or feed my soul like I see it do for other true runners.  I just stick to the treadmill for now because I won't overdo my pace and get tired early.

I jog because it's something I never thought I was capable of doing.  In high school, I had around a 12-14 minute mile and was always one of the last stragglers during the required phys ed mile test.  Mind you, I was also around 160 pounds back then.

Over the years, my endurance grew very poor, especially with the weight gain and poor choices.  If I had to run down a train platform (especially in the cold weather), I would be out of breath and coughing for most of the 90 minute ride.  Getting up and down multiple subway steps while carrying luggage almost made me pass out one day.  I had to call a friend to come save me.  It was humiliating, but in a small defense, I was getting turned around in circles and ended up in Brooklyn at one point.

I quickly lost 45 pounds in 2009 when doing Weight Watchers.  I only focused on points rather than integrating exercise.  My mother's death at the end of 2010 broke my plateau for the worst.  I had gained back about 15 pounds by that point, but I packed it all back on by the end of 2011.  We got engaged in November 2011 and married in April 2012.  I started a new job after the honeymoon and gained another 7 pounds by my friend's wedding in July 2012.  As you know, if you read my first post, November 2012 was my breaking point and I officially began my current journey in January 2013.

My mother died on a chilly, but clear, December night.  It was 3 weeks after my 30th birthday.  She had chronic Multiple Sclerosis for over 30 years and went into the ER on Friday for a minor emergency we thought would be cleared after the weekend.  She went into cardiac arrest on Saturday afternoon, and the next 7 hours of my life were a surreal nightmare.  She died at 12:35 am on Sunday morning.

We had gone home around 9 pm to pick up meds, phone chargers, and to try and get a little bit of sleep.  Naturally, we weren't sleeping.  We were in bed with the TV on, and me and Mom's favorite movie was on.  I started crying and insisted on watching.  Around 11:30, the hospital called me and told us to come as she was in bad shape.  There was no way she'd make it to surgery.  We turned off the movie and started quietly getting dressed and left the house.  There was no sense of urgency like there was in the afternoon.  We figured there would be some more hours of torture.  10 minutes later, they call me back to let me know that she was crashing and did we want to resuscitate.  I'm driving, couldn't find her living will earlier, and was on the other line with my grandmother.  I start flipping out and put the doctor on hold to ask my grandmother.  We were both screaming helplessly and didn't know what to do.  I went back to the doctor and just started screaming YES YES, WHATEVER.

We get to the hospital and park in the normal pay garage.  Little did I know that the entrance to the hospital was locked on that end.  Rather than pay and drive around to the ER lot (we really weren't thinking clearly), we start running around the hospital to another door while I was on the phone with the doctor.  She tried to meet us at one entrance, but everything was locked and out of her control.  We had to get around the big hospital to the ER.

And I couldn't run.  It wasn't that chilly, it was a little wet out, but I couldn't run.  I may have been crying a little, but that shouldn't have been holding up my lungs.  I had to stop and power walk, and I started screaming at the top of my lungs, "My mother is dying in that building and I can't even fucking run to get to her!!!"  I was ashamed and and disgusted with myself.  I always assumed adrenaline would kick in when an emergency was present, but my body would just not respond the way I needed it to.

The doctor met us outside and would not say anything until they got me upstairs to the ICU.  And when they told me the news I already knew, I started screaming at the top of my lungs while feeling guilty and nearly speaking in tongues while trying to get into a closed room.  I didn't want to upset any patients in the ICU.  And then, as my now husband made the hardest phone calls of his life, I just started screaming louder as I fell on the floor.  They pulled me up and forced me into a chair.  Her only local family was me and her mother.  I had to pull myself together as we waited for my grandmother to get there (she has macular degeneration and lives 45 minutes away, so a friend had to take her).  She was supposed to be there that morning before surgery, but it was too late. And the hardest thing I've had to do in my life was tell the doctors not to move the body until her 82 year old mother got there to break down over her 57 year old baby.

December 11 & 12, 2010 were the worst days of my life.  I started going to therapy, but I started regressing in other aspects of my life.  I finally started gaining control over my health in January 2013.  I pushed myself to start jogging in 1-2 minute spurts in April 2013 while finishing with a 5 minute jog.  By the end of the year, I could jog for 22 minutes, or in my world, 1.25 miles.  I intend to do this a few times a week but end up falling behind because of life.  This year, I found that I could jog a mile under 16 minutes.  15:45 is my best time so far.  I wear proper running shoes and have specially designed music playlists.  I constantly monitor my heart rate when doing 4 mph and the cool down, as my heart is still getting used to that level of intensity.  I refuse to end up like my father, like I discussed in my June 23 post.

The left is July 2011, 7 months after my mom passed.  The right is July 2014, a couple hours ago.  Control is being restored.

Yesterday, we went to NYC for the day.  We stayed in the Midtown West area, specifically around 6th-9th Ave, 30th-50th Street.  My FitBit says that we did a total of 7 miles that day.  That's pretty typical on an active NYC day, especially when you don't take public transportation.  The first half of the day was pretty mellow walking, but we picked up the pace around 5:30.  We realized that the store he wanted to go to on 30th was closing at 6, and we were only on 42nd by that point.  So, once the crowds parted, we began sprinting down NYC streets.

Obnoxious?  Probably.  But did we move deftly around people and not crash into anyone?  Yup!  We started getting into a rhythm- when the stoplight was up, just power walk.  When the walk light was on, SPRINT.  We made it there in a few minutes.  I was ridiculously impressed and not out of breath at all.  I had a slight side stitch, but my husband told me to pinch it and breathe, and the pressure would release.  I was very pleased to see it worked.

At the end of the night, we had to get to the midnight train after waiting for James Franco at the Of Mice and Men stage door for over an hour (my husband is a saint).  I may have had outbursts during our walk from 48th to 42nd because the crowds were extra congested due to construction, and NO ONE WAS MOVING.  It was the first time I've felt NYC native rage towards Times Square in years.  It was such a gorgeous day and night that everyone was out and about.  By the time we made it past 42nd, we practically ran the whole way to the train.  I was wearing my flats, and my thighs were in pain by this time because they are the absolute worst shoes to run in.  Today, I feel like I did inner/outer thigh machines for hours.  But I wasn't out of breath at all on the train.  I had my inhaler with me just in case, and I was totally fine.  I was red as a beet and sweating by that point, but I felt just fine.

I now know that I could run around the entire hospital if need be.  I took control of my life again.  I have been accomplishing goals that I've set for myself.  It may be slow, but that's ok.  I can keep up with my husband, and it felt amazing to have him running in tandem.  It's going to last.  For once, it's going to last.

March Progress & Wrap Up

Well, this month is going to be a little different as my jeans are in the laundry (and I'm lazy) and I kept forgetting to yank them out and have my husband take the traditional pictures.  But, I think I have an even better comparison shot.  It may be from 4/2, but that's ok!

This is how you bring 80s brightness to the office!  This is my new Old Navy XL dress that fits nicely, but I decided to detract from the tummy with my awesome zebra belt.  Gray tights with popping hot pink flats and most of my back tat being shown made me feel so good that day.  I've been learning that when I dress cutely that I'm more productive and not such a lump.  Witness yesterday's dress:

I call this my 98% Zooey Deschanel outfit (I just didn't make my bangs chunky).  Elephant dress with black tights and flats?  Ding ding ding, I am officially ready to go on the Bein' Quirky With Zooey Deschanel talk show! 

(P.S., the dress is from the plus section at Forever 21, and so adorable that I can't even stand it. Elephants are my spirit animal.)

I've gotten so many compliments these past couple days.  I've joked and said, "Yes this is the Jekyll part of my wardrobe, you've seen Hyde for far too long!"  But I truly feel better when I look nice.  I love dresses and skirts so much and I can't believe that I can fit into even more than I realized now.  Modcloth is going to be a dangerous website for me.

Let's do some numbers:

March weight loss:  about 1 pound

Total weight loss:  48 pounds

So what happened?

I didn't exercise much.  I was in a funk for parts of the month (thanks, vertigo), and I just wasn't making the best choices with my eating.  But suddenly I could fit into old clothes and buy new smaller sizes...my body was adjusting even while the numbers didn't move.

I went to the gym on my own for the first time in ages on Wednesday.  It hurt a bit and was slower, but I felt good once I finished that mile and a quarter.  I have a few ideas for blog posts that I'd like to do this month.  I've also started contributing recipes to this great new amateur food enthusiast website called Sfamo (you can find it on all sorts of social media as well).  I think that hobby will get me to start saving money and calories by learning to enjoy the kitchen and experimenting.    

This is our 2 year wedding anniversary month (last month was 6 years together, aw!), and I plan on being fabulous when we go to the city to celebrate.  

A few more pictures from this month...

PSYCHED to go see Veronica Mars on opening day (I was a first day backer, baby!).  Also psyched that I could squeeze into the ladies cut XL.  Well, I did need a sweater to cover the handles, but I was showing off my girl that day!!

The typical bathroom selfie.  This is not the most flattering shirt but it looks better than last year by far.  This is also the point in the month that my trainer pointed out how you can see my "cape," or the area of my upper body from the shoulders/collarbone/above the chest.  I'm sure there's a better way to describe it, but I see what she means in this picture.  Maybe that's an old school term she's using?  I dunno.

I don't have to tilt the camera for selfies anymore.

Straight forward!

And just because it's fun, a couple more shots from the one bridesmaid's dress that is a sheet on me now.

So, April's goals?  Get back into cardio already!  The weather's nicer and this is the time last year when I realized I could actually jog.  I just discovered that the Hedwig and the Angry Inch songs "Exquisite Corpse," "Wig In a Box (reprise)" and "Midnight Radio" are the perfect songs to wrap up a jog with.  I've never run as fast as when I was listening to John Cameron Mitchell sing:

"Oh god

I'm all sewn up

A hardened razor-cut

Scar map across my body

And you can trace the lines

Through Misery's design

That map across my body."

New Broadway playlist, coming up!  This is going to be the month of theatre and cardio.

27 Dresses, or 80s STYLE MONTAGE!

I always used to joke that I was turning into Katherine Heigl's character in the movie 27 Dresses.  I'd been in 4 weddings before my own, and then I was a bridesmaid 2 months after that.

Do we really need an excuse to gaze upon James Marsden?  No, no we do not.

I got lucky though, as my brides had good taste (and I'd like to think I was kind to my ladies with their choice of holly green short dresses).  Funny enough, I had the same style dress for the first two weddings, just in different colors.  Ha!  It always puzzled me why women would purposely have ugly bridesmaid dresses.  You're the bride, you're not going to be upstaged by anybody!  And then you'll have orange meringue poofs in your pictures forever!

Now that I'm down so many inches, I was curious about how I fit into these dresses again, including my own wedding dress!  I was also inspired by my friend B who just shared an amazing "after" picture in an old bridesmaid's dress.  I'm about the same weight that I was for the 2009 dresses, but my body is shaped differently.  This was a very interesting experiment!  I also found my old prom dresses, but that experiment won't be for a year or two.

My husband put on some 80s training montage music and snapped a bunch of pictures as I twirled and pouted and flounced with no spanx, messy hair and obvious bra straps.  I'm obviously getting more comfortable in my own skin!

Wedding Number 1:  April 28, 2007

Then:

Now:

I actually kinda love this now!!  I didn't have sass the first time.

Wedding Number 2:  October 4, 2009

Then:

Now:

This one was a bit tighter, but I was also 15 pounds smaller then.  Still, I felt much more confident with my body this time.

Wedding Number 3: October 31, 2009

Then:

Now:

Lucky that I just wore this a few weeks ago!  The waist is so much better now, which is funny because this was a couple weeks after the last wedding.  (It was a Halloween themed wedding in case that wasn't perfectly obvious.)

Wedding Number 4:  October 10, 2010

Then:

Now:

My boobs were a lot bigger then, but my belly's a lot smaller now.  I was 20-22 lbs heavier at that wedding.

Wedding 5:  July 22, 2012

Then:

Now:

Holy. Shit.  That was 48 pounds ago.  That dress is falling right off me.  AMAZING.

MY WEDDING!!  April 28, 2012

Then:

Now:

The wedding was 41 pounds ago.  Now the petticoat is falling off and the dress is so loose that it can be scooched all around.  Craziness.  What a feeling.

I treasure the memories and pictures with my friends and loved ones and was honored to be a part of their respective special days. I love my own wedding pictures and am finally getting around to making the album. But it truly feels so good to know that I'm on my way to getting into that blazing hot senior prom dress!

Revelations and Confidence

I've learned a lot about myself over the past few days.  I've done some very personal writing, I've gone on a job interview, and I've eaten reasonably within my calories, even during super bloat week.

The personal writing that I shared among a limited audience inspired friends to come share some personal and raw things with me.  It feels good to know that people feel comfortable enough to come talk to me about things of that nature.  I felt terrible to know that there are so many things that we as humans suffer in silence, and that's a big reason why I'm such an open book with my blogging.  

I was offered the job, but I turned it down.  When I found out what the position was in this interview, I started getting very stressed to the point that my vertigo came back in waves yesterday.  I've had a bit here and there today as well.  Thank goodness for the meds.  They called and offered the position to me this morning.  Though I'm not having the easiest time at my current job, this other job was way too stressful and the little bit of extra money I would have made probably would have gone straight to extra therapy after getting screamed at all day by customers in a micromanaged environment.  I learned what my stress limit is.  While things are far from perfect right now, it's a paycheck with benefits.  I can find a position more suited to me.  It will just take perseverance and work which I am willing to do.  I learned I don't just have to "jump" and be miserable.  If I wasn't employed, I would have taken it, but right now I am lucky enough to be more choosy.

The scale numbers are creeping slowly back to the 48 pound mark.  I just have to watch my sodium intake.  However, my strength is really developing, and I'm doing things I never imagined possible.  I had my husband take this video a week ago at the gym.  

It may be 5 pull-ups that aren't especially strong, but I'm still doing them.  On Tuesday, I did 3 reps of 5.  That was astonishing.  I just bought clothes at Forever 21.  I dressed up in my Mrs Lovett costume this past weekend that I had originally worn when I was 15 pounds smaller (and a lot bulkier in my mid-section).  

It is amazing to see the changes happening to my body, and I'm so proud.

I am capable of so much.  I don't have to settle for second best or just give up if I don't succeed the first time out.  I can take control of my life.  I CAN DO THIS.

February Wrap Ups and Awesome People Acknowledgments

I only posted twice this month, and that's not like me.  Well, February is the shortest month, and it was a hell month between recovering from surgery, multiple snow storms, a 2 day power outage, and just overall stress.  It also doesn't help that I'm finishing the month during bloat week.  

Let's get right to the numbers and pictures:

February weight loss:  1 pound

Total weight loss:  46 pounds

My husband now wants to make sure we get back shots of me.  He always knows it's photo time when I come downstairs in this purple shirt.  I've decided not to wear it any other time.

At one point, I was actually down 48 pounds.  I have not changed this in my MyFitnessPal app as I intend to swiftly be back to that point.  I have been holding myself accountable with my trainer and her log.  February was the month of NSVs, as I described in my last entry.  I'm not upset with the results.  I know I should hopefully be back to 48 pounds after next week, and I'm really looking forward to hitting the 50 mark.  51 pounds will be my second 10 percent goal, and I will be treating myself to a new tattoo.  I'm already going to see a few Broadway shows in April, so I wanted to treat myself to something different.

This picture is from my desk at work.

The top picture was sent to me on Facebook from my best friend who is a runner, and it means quite a bit to me.  I also find it fun because I do do a 16 minute mile!  The bottom picture was just sent to me on this blog from a fellow blogger, and I just love it.  Success, especially in regards to weight loss, is hardly linear.  It got me thinking about all the outpouring of support I've received for this blog, and I've truly never had more fun writing online in over 10 years.  I know it's only been a couple months, but I've already received 2,000+ hits for this blog, and it feels amazing.  I would like to take a minute to thank those in my life who have been so supportive (and I'm purposely giving them vague anonymity, as I would never want anyone to feel awkward).

To my husband L...you fell in love with me at my heaviest, loved me 45 lbs lighter, married me 50 pounds heavier, and can't keep your hands off me now.  I know that's because I'm gaining self-confidence, and the fact that we can fully wrap our arms around each other is an amazing feeling. You're still not allowed to lift me until I get to onederland.  Thank you for all your love and encouragement and standing by me no matter what.  I love you with all my heart and soul.  

To my trainer D...you have given me so much physical and spiritual guidance.  I look forward to every Tuesday night.  Your patience is unending, and you're very sneaky in how you give me a tough workout without me knowing until halfway through.  You've guided me in building my strength like never before and shaping my body to finally look the way it was meant to look.  

To my bester DB, you've been my cheerleader for way over a decade.  Your pom poms and support are always so positive and make me feel great and accomplished.  I've learned quite a bit from you in terms of healthy eating and exercise, and I love that we enjoy so many of the same healthy organic foods now.  Your the Amy to my Tina!  And of course, your wonderful husband E has been so supportive as well.  Thank you for being my family.  So much love!

To my hofosho AS, I love lamp, and I love you.  You were the first one to say to me last year "Holy crap, look at your tiny waist," and that statement was a game changer for me. I never thought my body was capable of that, and it motivated me all the more.  Thank you for always being there and for being so kind, and thanks also to your wonderful husband I who has been a great ear over the past year with this topic.    

To my person DH, thank you for commiserating with me about this topic and being such a great support in my life.  You've seen me at my tiniest (in what, elementary school? ha), and you've never judged me no matter how big I got.  You've always seen me for me.  Thank you so much for that.

To my bff JK, thank you for telling me your whole family has been enjoying the blog, that means a lot.  You've always been so encouraging of my writing over the years, and I truly appreciate it.  We don't discuss weight a great deal, but knowing that you notice and encourage my journey means a great deal.

To my bestie BM, you have been nothing but loving and encouraging to me for all the years we've been friends.  Rather than get mushy, I'd really prefer to do a bunch of inside jokes in a Samantha Jones voice, so I'll just leave it at this:  I adore you.  Thank you.

To my nan...thank you for finally saying that I'm shaping up and looking good.  We've had a rocky journey in regards to discussing weight, but the fact that you can see how I'm changing (and how you want to steal my sweaters when they get too big) means a lot.  You'll never see this, but I love you with all my heart, and I'm glad you're seeing my progress.

To my in-laws V & B...thank you for the kindness and encouragement in this journey.  I wish I could be as athletic as you guys, but I appreciate that you see our differences and support me in all my accomplishments that I've been slowly making.  It means so much to me.  To my brother-in-law B, thank you for telling me even as far back as June what "fucking great" progress I've been making.  I know you don't just say things like that, and I truly appreciate your noticing and making sure to let me know.  Love you guys.

To all my cousins on the other coast, I really wish I got to see you more, and I appreciate all your support, "likes," comments, and everything you do to let me know that you care from 3000 miles away.  Thank you, and I love you all!!!  To my husband's cousin SG- thank you for always supporting me on here!  I hope I can meet you soon.  And to JR, you look amazing, and thank you for always listening to me about anything!

To LK and AK...thank you for being back in my life and so present and attentive.  I love you guys so damn much, and A- I'm so proud of everything you've accomplished as well!

To JC, thank you for the encouragement and support.  It means a lot that you read this.  To your hubby RC, thank you for asking me on Halloween where the rest of me went.  I hadn't seen you guys in 10 months, and it felt really good to hear that.  You guys are awesome.

To AS, thank you for making me feel like a rock star a few weeks ago.  You're a goddamn gorgeous superstar as far as I'm concerned, and I love you.

To CB and KR, thank you for getting me into the world of weight loss apps.  You both look fabulous, and I truly appreciate all the input.

To DS and HRB, thank you for all the advice regarding running and shoes, etc. I keep your advice in mind often and know that this is not a competition, that this is for me.

To NP, thank you for acknowledging how much more weight I've lost every time I see you...I'm practically blushing and going OH YOU.  You're awesome, bear.

To MM, it means a lot that your awesome sensei self has complimented me so profusely over the year.  We miss you!

To my old high school pals HS, AF, and AJ....thank you ladies for constantly supporting me on my entries and accomplishments.  I've loved chatting with you about this, and I know you will be accomplishing all your similar goals as well!!  Remember, we all got this.  To DG, thank you for being the inspiration for this blog.  Your blog was so honest, and I was riveted by your journey.  You look amazing.

To my dear friends who I mostly see online, BD, SBT, LC, JJG, ER, CZP, LL, thank you for always supporting me in everything I do.  Wish I could see you guys more and give you a big hug.

To my friends who have been "liking" and commenting on Facebook, texting, privately messaging, leaving comments here....THANK YOU.  I wish I could acknowledge you all, but then we'd be in a sea of confusing initials.

It just feels so good to know that I'm not alone in this journey.  Only two months into the second year, and I already feel so much love.

NSV Joy: Numbers Don't Always Matter

I've been in hiding from blogging for a little bit because I've been so down about how my scale numbers have gone up about 2 pounds.  This upsets me because this blog is for documenting the ups and downs.  I can't just show the sunny and cheery side of things.

I lost 6 pounds after the oral surgery/soft diet, but then I put on 1.2 pounds last Monday after going back to a more normal diet.  To anybody else, this would be expected and not such a huge deal.  Then I just put on another 1.6 pounds this morning after having a more indulgent weekend than usual.  That's a total of 2.8 pounds, which normally wouldn't be anything to freak about.  I understand how this weekend was a big combo of ridiculous salt and carbs intake + bloat week beginning (sorry if TMI, but I just want to be honest.)= 1.6 pounds back.  I could be down .6 pounds tomorrow for all I know.  I've tried to be very mindful today and just rode the stationary bike for 45 minutes while watching My 600 Pound Life.  Yeah, talk about a motivational tool!  

What I have to keep remembering is that these ups and downs happen.  I just get so hard on myself when I'm not making continual progress, but that's also why I have MyFitnessPal and my trainer to keep me accountable.  However, I've been seeing really good progress elsewhere, and while I'm thrilled, it also frustrates me even more when I don't see numbers budge.

Here are a list of the significant NSVs (Non Scale Victories) I've seen over the last month:

1. I just did push-ups.  I just did actual unassisted push-ups with my husband as a witness.  He says I can go down lower, and I did for only one or two, but I don't care!!!  My left arm has never bent for a push-up in my whole life.  It just trembled and refused to move.  I used to do push-ups on my knees in school and now I do it on the exercise ball.  But I realized that my ball at home is so low to the floor, and if I was doing really good push-ups on that...why not try it for real?  And I succeeded.  Holy crap, you guys.  LIFELONG GOAL ACHIEVED!

2. I can see my toes.  Now granted, I can't tell you if there's a full pedi going on, but I can see that toes exist.  I suck in my stomach and it turns pretty flat.  I push it out all the way, and I look pregnant, but I can still see my toes.  Hello, old friends.  I now wear ribbed fitted shirts that I haven't worn in years, even ones with light horizontal stripes.  I can layer t-shirts over them like it's the 1990s.

3. I can turn around to my left and see the beginning of my shoulder blade tattoo.  It's just the one top purple star (I'm not a contortionist), but my back and shoulder fat has really minimized.

4. The 7 dollar corduroys I got at the thrift store last month?  I can already yank them off without having to unbutton them.  What. UP.

5. My husband can wrap his arms all the way around me.  He doesn't become a floating head when he stands behind me and holds me.  There is nothing more humiliating for me than being able to completely obscure the person I love.

Ok, so I ended this with sunshine and lollipops, but I think it's good to remember how much progress I've made despite these pesky 2.8 pounds.

"Sugar, she's got the power, soothes my soul for half an hour, half an hour...."

These have absolutely been the craziest few weeks.  The snowpocalypse is never ending!  Last week, we lost power for 2 days and we have an all electric house.  Combine that with 20 degree nights, and yeah, that was hell on earth.  We were terrified of pipes bursting (despite constant running water), and we learned that we're able to sleep in a 49 degree house.  Not something one really wants to learn!  The power went out last Wednesday at 6:45 am and came back on Thursday at 8:35 pm.  I am so relieved that didn't happen when I was recovering from surgery.  My husband's parents were more than willing to have us stay over, but we just felt more comfortable knowing what was going on with the house at night.

Needless to say, I could have completely messed up my diet during this time.  Instead, I lost another pound!  This soft diet has been very helpful.  Naturally, I could have eaten some really bad things, but I still chose not to.  In fact, I just had my heaviest meals in 2 weeks today, and my stomach is crying right now.  We got lots of exercise with shoveling snow and walking around in 10 inches of snow.  I didn't snack at all, but my meals were certainly substantial.  I don't think it's really going to affect me though, as I realized what has been holding me back and kept me on a plateau for months...

SUGAR

WHITE SUGARY SNACKS

I didn't realize I had such a sweet tooth.  The soft diet has kept me from cookies and other useless sugary snacks.  I'm ok with ice cream...for some reason, I think the milk keeps me full with a half cup.  Donuts and pastries are just evil for me.  I love cake products so much, it's not even funny.  And if I may pat myself on the back, my homemade cupcakes are decadently amazing.  

I was ok staying away from crunchy Doritos and chips.  I tend to count out my serving sizes, and then I have to put the bag away.  The more I stayed away from addictive sweets, the more I didn't crave them.  When I got back to work, I tried a couple lemonade Girl Scout cookies and chewed very carefully.  My body started telling me "more...just one more...come on..."  It freaked me out.  You may say, Well DUH, but I didn't realize what an addictive substance white sugar is.  I read about organic and raw sugar, and while they're better for you in terms of being chemical free, they still break down in your body the same way as regular white sugar.

I don't plan on banning sugary products altogether, but I certainly plan on cutting them down big time.  I realized that I get hungrier with more cravings when I eat those snacks.  My trainer has always said that carbs with no protein is just the worst thing for me and my body chemistry.  She's always told me that if I must have a donut that it should be immediately eaten after lunch or dinner so my blood sugar doesn't spike.  If I eat nothing but carbs for breakfast (sometimes that would be a donut or two), my appetite and mood will be off for the rest of the day.  I crash very hard with just carbs.  In fact, I don't know how I did so much shoveling this morning after having Trader Joe's French toast with syrup.  That's probably why I overcompensated with lunch and dinner.  However, the only snack I had was a little Coke, and it tasted gross and syrupy.  High fructose corn syrup is so evil, but we all know that.

I figure I need to start cooking again, and while I will still bake decadent treats, I want to be able to make other healthier and more natural options as well.  My best friend directed me to this cool website called My Whole Food Life, and the recipes look really good!

So, I'm down 48 pounds and SO close to my second goal.  I'm excited to be this close to 50 lbs down, and I'm fitting into clothes really well.  We went to a one night Broadway revival concert on Saturday, and I looked FABULOUS in my size 16 dress, if I do say so myself.

I changed into strappy black heels a block away from the theatre.  Considering we walked about 6 miles in the city, I'm sure as hell glad I made the sensible decision!  It's worth it to drag extra shoes with you in a cute satin bag (hidden in the plastic bag).  But look, I have ankles!  Holy crap, right?  

Another NSV is that I can look down and see my toes, even with my stomach pushed out.  I can't tell you if there's a full pedicure going on, but I can tell you that toes exist.

I also finally shoveled snow for the first time in 3 years.  My husband was kind enough to spoil me for 3 years, but now I'm at a point where shoveling is good for my cardio!  Now we have 2 snow shovels.  

Check out the LAYERS!!  That Game of Thrones Lannister shirt never even fit this well on its own in the summer!  And for fans, look, my coat turned me into a Wildling.  

On that note, my husband is definitely not doing the traditional flowers and candy thing for Valentine's Day this year.  Flowers tend to make me sad because they die, and candy is just the worst thing for me now!  So, he bought me half of the new Game of Thrones Pop Figures and gave them to me early.  

We collect all of them, so this is genuinely exciting for me!

I will probably have more to say on the sugar topic another time, as the manager of my gym lent me the past August issue of National Geographic all about sugar and why we can't resist it.  In the meantime, I'm just working on controlling my cravings and not eating for the hell of it during these cabin fever winter storms.

The Oral Surgery Rite of Passage & Soft Diet + January Progress & Wrap Up

I've been a little quiet because I got all four wisdom teeth pulled on Thursday.  Well, I wasn't exactly quiet on Facebook (sorry, friends!), but I was in no mood to blog anything.

I never had surgery in my life (I know, I'm very lucky), and it was my first time getting anesthesia and nitrous oxide.  I woke up freaking out because I didn't realize that I had even fallen asleep.  I swore that only 2 minutes had passed when it was really a half hour.  And then I started crying my eyes out because I was so freaked out by the loss of time and just what had really happened.  A friend shared a good theory that since one is not quite "asleep" with dental anesthesia, emotional freaking occurs once the body starts realizing the trauma it endured for a half hour.  I think that's a really good possibility for what happened to me because I am such a pain wimp, especially when it comes to anything involving my mouth. (and I had a tongue ring for 7 years!)

The first day was a liquid diet.  I couldn't eat after midnight before the surgery (no problem, it was at 8:45 am), and I finished my huge dinner around 8 pm.  Here's a screen grab of my food tracker for Wednesday: (and before you ask, I hardly make all those choices anymore, I was very stressed cleaning up all my piles at work and just wanted some damn bacon during the day.  I also wanted to fill up my tummy big time for Thursday.  Looks like I succeeded!)

One cool thing about MyFitnessPal is that after you complete your day, it will tell you what you'll weigh in 5 weeks if you eat like that every day.  I was told I'd gain 7 lbs.  Yeah, and this was not too off from what I used to eat for years.  Well, that's eye opening!

On our way to the oral surgeon....

Top left: On our way home and dazed.

Bottom left:  What fresh hell is this?
Right:  Yes, there are English Breakfast teabags in my clotting and sore mouth, f**k off!

Yeah, I was not a happy camper on Thursday and most of Friday.  The liquid diet was crazy to get used to.  By the evening, any little smell or sight of food was setting my tummy into huge growls.  But I didn't feel like eating because it hurt to open my mouth too wide.  The broth and slushy food just felt like a nutritional obligation by that point.

I rather liked the notice I got from MyFitnessPal after I completed the day:

Glad to see they don't encourage anorexic behavior.  (Not like they would, but you know what I mean!)

I woke up on Wednesday mildly hungry even though I hadn't really eaten for over 30 hours by that point.  I knew I couldn't just grab anything since the soft diet was about to take effect.  I didn't eat until around 11 am because I just didn't feel like putting the effort into food, and it was becoming easy to not eat.  That feeling freaked me out.  I got on the scale with clothes on just for the hell of it, and I had dropped 2 pounds.  That freaked me out all the more.  I immediately went to go cook some eggs and ricotta with a side of applesauce.  There was no way in hell I was going to encourage that behavior!

The only side effects besides a sore mouth (hurts to laugh or yell) was on Friday after breakfast...I was doing the salt water rinse and couldn't get the egg out of my bottom wounds.  The doctor's office told me to come in and he demonstrated with a syringe how to clear my mouth out if anything gets caught.  I've been using it faithfully since-  if anybody gets an extraction, make sure you're sent home with one of these!  Otherwise, I was just a lump on the couch for 4 days.  I didn't go to work today because of a never-ending snowstorm in our area, but I appreciate the extra rest.  

I got on the scale today, like I normally do on Monday mornings, and I had dropped 3.4 pounds in a week.  WHAT?  That is crazy considering I was on prednisone, about to start that oh-so-fun time of the month, and eating within my targeted calorie range again.  I don't know what happened, and I don't like the fact that starving for a day helped, but I guess I can consider it a mini-cleanse that broke my plateau.  I don't intend on doing that again unless I have to have surgery (knock wood), so let's just call it a well-timed event.

Normally, I would do the progress post separately, but I think it ties in nicely with the last 4 days, so let's get to it!

January weight loss:  4.4 pounds

Total weight loss:  45 pounds (I rounded up the .2, sue me)

My husband was making me laugh as he took the picture, so at least I don't look cranky this month.

The scale numbers were pretty stubborn this month, but I think I'll have a much more successful February now that I see that burst of progress.  I think this current week long soft diet is helpful because it's making me really think about what I'm eating.  Plus, I think it'll break me of the cookie habit I was forming.  

Lots of NSVs this month...I bought a pair of pants and a dress that were both size 16!  That's most certainly due to the cut and brand of each, but I'd say it's an accomplishment.  I plan on writing about how inconsistent sizing and numbers are in the near future.  I also layered for the first real time and zipped my knee high boots with no problems or squeezing.

My favorite PJ pants are beyond huge...as is this shirt that you can see me wearing tightly while clinging onto James Marsters in my very first post.  These are the pants I can't wear while doing Wii dance games.

Feeling good in my new skirt and haircut and the aforementioned boots, even after eating that huge meal.  Military green chevron pencil skirt?  Yes please.

I am 5 pounds away from my second goal, and I'm really excited and proud!  I know that's what will encourage me to keep going, even during this cold and nasty weather.