September- December: Catching Up

I've been disappointed in myself for not doing a quick monthly update.  However, life really kicked me in the butt, and I've had a lot of time to reflect.  

I got laid off on October 10.  As alluded to in previous posts, this job was sucking the life out of me.  I regret that it only lasted for 4 months, but I don't regret taking the position.  If anything, I have learned a lot about my needs, wants, and non-negotiables in job searching.  It's been a welcome mental break, but I absolutely hate having a job gap for the first time in 7 years.  However, it was very eerily timed.

I just had to get my grandmother into an assisted living facility in early December, and there has been a lot of craziness with that, along with getting the albatross of a property sold.  I'm not going into all those details, it's too personal and too turbulent.  Just know it's the biggest headache and wallet drainer.  She went into the hospital for over a week after 10 days of being in the facility.  She wasn't discharged until Christmas Eve.  Needless to say, I haven't been especially jolly this holiday season.  I'm both looking forward to and scared to death about the new year.  

2014 was pretty much rock bottom in so many ways.  I'm not even sure I was this stressed when my mother died in 2010.  However, the best thing we could have done was get our precious kitties at the end of August.  I can't believe I haven't even talked about them!  Their names are Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, and they are 2-year-old brother and sister tabbies.  My allergies are off the charts with cats, but I love kitties, and my husband is such a cat man.  He waited for years until I felt secure enough to adopt.  So far, my allergies have been fine, I just have to be diligent about taking Claritin every day.  And I don't care if I'm a bit more congested and/or sniffly, our babies are worth it.  

Luke and Leia.  Practically twins, but she has more delicate facial features.

Leia is a lap kitty and my shadow. She is a 8 pound space heater, loves playing with her mousies, and chattering out the window. She gets jealous when Luke comes for love, but we're working on that.

Luke is such a sweet, shy, loving boy.  He has opened up so much, likes to snuggle and play (though he is not as curiously naughty as his sister!) and really gets vocal, especially at dinner time. 

These kitties have prevented me from having 5395 panic attacks over these past few months.  Don't be surprised to see them pop up in the future!

All of this craziness completely sent my routine out the window.  I have learned that I am a person who desperately needs a routine during the week.  I started getting very bad habits again.  My trainer was kind enough to give me a workout to do while I can't see her, but I've done it maybe 3 times.  I hardly go to the gym even though it's 24/7 and I have so much time for once.  I've only had a few smoothies and have slipped back into bad food choices while erratically updating MyFitnessPal.  My FitBit battery died, and I didn't care.  I'm just in the WHATEVER mode that sent me to the high weight that I was for so many years.  Depression does that to me.  I almost wish I was in the strange August mood when I didn't want to eat.  Yeah, well, holidays aren't helping either.

By October 25, I was officially down 60 pounds.  SIXTY POUNDS.  That was the day of our Halloween party.  I dressed up as Velma Kelly from Chicago, and I never felt better in my life.

My trainer made me do this side-by-side for comparison.

I felt amazing.  So many of our friends were freaking out and I got some of the nicest compliments.  It wasn't just the insane punch that made me tear up that evening.  I was so happy that so many people were there and that we were just going crazy.  I needed that so badly after getting kicked so badly a couple weeks prior.

But then came the Halloween leftovers.  Oh boy.  I went on a carb rampage for a week.  Normally, I might have ditched most of it, but I was in the "WE MUST BUDGET AND SAVE AND EAT EVERY LAST MORSEL" mode.  (Actually, I'm still that way.)  This isn't a bad thing...but I really didn't need to pack it all away myself.

My 34th birthday was on November 23.  I may have been a couple pounds heavier, but I still looked cute.  I love these side-by-side shots of the last three birthdays.

32-34.  A friend said it looks like 3 different people.  I love that.

Then came December.  I wouldn't eat in the morning and then would pack it in at night.  I may have also become addicted to doughnuts, Mountain Dew, and Taco Bell during this time period.  Sigh.  This is what happens when you have to go cheaper than Chipotle (if even eating out at all).  When I started logging into MyFitnessPal again, I was upset to see I was eating at least 450 calories more per day than my usual goal.  Combine that with not being too active...yeah.  The pounds are going to come back.  Then everything happened the week before Christmas right as I was baking...sigh again.  

I'm not happy with myself at all right now.  I still fit into my clothes and my size 16 pants, but I've gained between 7-9 pounds since my ultimate low on Halloween.  This scares me because it shows just how easily I can slip if I'm not being mindful, organized, and in a routine.  It also shows what can happen when my activity level drops.  My body feels like ass right now.  I desperately need to start fresh and eat lots of vegetables, protein, tea, and smoothies while going to the gym.  Sure, my clothes  from last year are still mostly hanging on me, but I can feel the change in my face.  The heaviness around my stomach.  The general lethargy.  It's awful, and I refuse- REFUSE- to go backwards.  

I've decided not to generally focus so much on scale numbers.  My monthly wrap-ups will include more than just pounds.  This is something I've been mulling over for awhile.  I may not have lost 41 pounds in a year like I did in 2013, but does that mean I was a failure?  Hell no!  I lost so many inches and got so much stronger and fitter.  My doctor is so thrilled with my progress and doesn't care about things like BMI.  She wants me to go to the gym to work out the stress and to keep focusing on inches.  I will certainly post weight loss numbers when I hit goals, but I don't think it's a good idea to drive myself crazy with it.  I will still record on MyFitnessPal, but I don't need to document every last wave and valley on the blog.  Success is most definitely not a straight line.  

I need to get through this week and then officially start my life over again on January 1.  Many people poo-poo New Years resolutions, but I'd like to point out that I said I would change my life on January 1, 2013.  Check out how much has changed for the better nearly 2 years later.  I'm going to keep going.  Ideally, I had another 36 pounds more to lose after the 60 mark.  Right now, I'm not going to worry about that.  I'm going to break my huge 15 year long goal down into two 10 pound goals.  I just want to achieve that goal so badly, I can taste it.  I was only 10 pounds away on October 25.  I'm not going to let this setback discourage me.  I've proven I can get that low once, and I will do it again!  I will also be blogging and checking in on the Facebook page quite a bit more.  Check that out and follow, as I always have blog updates and other random pix and whatnot.  

Now....pictures!  Not quite as many as there should be, but that's ok.

yup, that was pretty much late August into September.

September

The effects of not eating.  I was small but miserable.

(Yes, my husband is allowing me to use his non-Joker image on here, haha.  Hi hubby!)

Clothes hanging.

At a Ren Faire.  The day I realized I could rock a shorter haircut.

Cause let's face it, my hair was just getting awful.

Ta-da!!!!  I modeled it after Lena Headey's hair, and it worked perfectly.

She's so purty.

August 2012 vs September 2014. 

I got into Old Navy sweetheart size 16 jeans!  Still comfy despite the gain.  Sweetheart is great for pear shapes and curves, plus it has a nice normal mid-rise.

Feeling good.

Doing my best Lisa Loeb impression.

Well damn, looks like I'm gonna have to get a new Aerosmith shirt...

October

October sucked, didn't take many pix till Halloween.  One of the times I went to the gym.

...and all that jazz!

My husband was Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.  Everyone's costumes were fantastic.

This is a good summary of my current home life.  (With Leia)

November

Voting day!  

A video where I jogged 3/4 mile on an outside trail to thank everyone for getting me to 300 followers (now at 350!).  I definitely walked a lot of parts.  Outdoors is definitely different than the treadmill!

A side-by-side that makes me super happy.

Fastest mile ever at 15:18, woooo!!!!

It sounds silly, but this is the first time these boots have been loose on me in over 4 years.  I normally have to get them on Zappos or at Torrid for wide calves.  This made me so happy.

The push-up challenge!  This is only a couple minutes and makes me laugh.  Enjoy my music choice!

Last workout before my birthday.  Obviously Hedwig has been getting me through much of this year.

Birthday!  I think I look younger now.  It also helps that I'm actually filling in my eyebrows.

My husband has treated me like a queen this year and always.  He is the absolute best.

December

Morning kisses with the Luke.

Feeling good after my workout.  Now if only I would do that more often...

This was taken on December 18 before the holiday eats really kicked in.  I can't even keep these pj pants up anymore.  Blows my mind how much smaller they were back in December 2012.

March Progress & Wrap Up

Well, this month is going to be a little different as my jeans are in the laundry (and I'm lazy) and I kept forgetting to yank them out and have my husband take the traditional pictures.  But, I think I have an even better comparison shot.  It may be from 4/2, but that's ok!

This is how you bring 80s brightness to the office!  This is my new Old Navy XL dress that fits nicely, but I decided to detract from the tummy with my awesome zebra belt.  Gray tights with popping hot pink flats and most of my back tat being shown made me feel so good that day.  I've been learning that when I dress cutely that I'm more productive and not such a lump.  Witness yesterday's dress:

I call this my 98% Zooey Deschanel outfit (I just didn't make my bangs chunky).  Elephant dress with black tights and flats?  Ding ding ding, I am officially ready to go on the Bein' Quirky With Zooey Deschanel talk show! 

(P.S., the dress is from the plus section at Forever 21, and so adorable that I can't even stand it. Elephants are my spirit animal.)

I've gotten so many compliments these past couple days.  I've joked and said, "Yes this is the Jekyll part of my wardrobe, you've seen Hyde for far too long!"  But I truly feel better when I look nice.  I love dresses and skirts so much and I can't believe that I can fit into even more than I realized now.  Modcloth is going to be a dangerous website for me.

Let's do some numbers:

March weight loss:  about 1 pound

Total weight loss:  48 pounds

So what happened?

I didn't exercise much.  I was in a funk for parts of the month (thanks, vertigo), and I just wasn't making the best choices with my eating.  But suddenly I could fit into old clothes and buy new smaller sizes...my body was adjusting even while the numbers didn't move.

I went to the gym on my own for the first time in ages on Wednesday.  It hurt a bit and was slower, but I felt good once I finished that mile and a quarter.  I have a few ideas for blog posts that I'd like to do this month.  I've also started contributing recipes to this great new amateur food enthusiast website called Sfamo (you can find it on all sorts of social media as well).  I think that hobby will get me to start saving money and calories by learning to enjoy the kitchen and experimenting.    

This is our 2 year wedding anniversary month (last month was 6 years together, aw!), and I plan on being fabulous when we go to the city to celebrate.  

A few more pictures from this month...

PSYCHED to go see Veronica Mars on opening day (I was a first day backer, baby!).  Also psyched that I could squeeze into the ladies cut XL.  Well, I did need a sweater to cover the handles, but I was showing off my girl that day!!

The typical bathroom selfie.  This is not the most flattering shirt but it looks better than last year by far.  This is also the point in the month that my trainer pointed out how you can see my "cape," or the area of my upper body from the shoulders/collarbone/above the chest.  I'm sure there's a better way to describe it, but I see what she means in this picture.  Maybe that's an old school term she's using?  I dunno.

I don't have to tilt the camera for selfies anymore.

Straight forward!

And just because it's fun, a couple more shots from the one bridesmaid's dress that is a sheet on me now.

So, April's goals?  Get back into cardio already!  The weather's nicer and this is the time last year when I realized I could actually jog.  I just discovered that the Hedwig and the Angry Inch songs "Exquisite Corpse," "Wig In a Box (reprise)" and "Midnight Radio" are the perfect songs to wrap up a jog with.  I've never run as fast as when I was listening to John Cameron Mitchell sing:

"Oh god

I'm all sewn up

A hardened razor-cut

Scar map across my body

And you can trace the lines

Through Misery's design

That map across my body."

New Broadway playlist, coming up!  This is going to be the month of theatre and cardio.

NSV Joy: Numbers Don't Always Matter

I've been in hiding from blogging for a little bit because I've been so down about how my scale numbers have gone up about 2 pounds.  This upsets me because this blog is for documenting the ups and downs.  I can't just show the sunny and cheery side of things.

I lost 6 pounds after the oral surgery/soft diet, but then I put on 1.2 pounds last Monday after going back to a more normal diet.  To anybody else, this would be expected and not such a huge deal.  Then I just put on another 1.6 pounds this morning after having a more indulgent weekend than usual.  That's a total of 2.8 pounds, which normally wouldn't be anything to freak about.  I understand how this weekend was a big combo of ridiculous salt and carbs intake + bloat week beginning (sorry if TMI, but I just want to be honest.)= 1.6 pounds back.  I could be down .6 pounds tomorrow for all I know.  I've tried to be very mindful today and just rode the stationary bike for 45 minutes while watching My 600 Pound Life.  Yeah, talk about a motivational tool!  

What I have to keep remembering is that these ups and downs happen.  I just get so hard on myself when I'm not making continual progress, but that's also why I have MyFitnessPal and my trainer to keep me accountable.  However, I've been seeing really good progress elsewhere, and while I'm thrilled, it also frustrates me even more when I don't see numbers budge.

Here are a list of the significant NSVs (Non Scale Victories) I've seen over the last month:

1. I just did push-ups.  I just did actual unassisted push-ups with my husband as a witness.  He says I can go down lower, and I did for only one or two, but I don't care!!!  My left arm has never bent for a push-up in my whole life.  It just trembled and refused to move.  I used to do push-ups on my knees in school and now I do it on the exercise ball.  But I realized that my ball at home is so low to the floor, and if I was doing really good push-ups on that...why not try it for real?  And I succeeded.  Holy crap, you guys.  LIFELONG GOAL ACHIEVED!

2. I can see my toes.  Now granted, I can't tell you if there's a full pedi going on, but I can see that toes exist.  I suck in my stomach and it turns pretty flat.  I push it out all the way, and I look pregnant, but I can still see my toes.  Hello, old friends.  I now wear ribbed fitted shirts that I haven't worn in years, even ones with light horizontal stripes.  I can layer t-shirts over them like it's the 1990s.

3. I can turn around to my left and see the beginning of my shoulder blade tattoo.  It's just the one top purple star (I'm not a contortionist), but my back and shoulder fat has really minimized.

4. The 7 dollar corduroys I got at the thrift store last month?  I can already yank them off without having to unbutton them.  What. UP.

5. My husband can wrap his arms all the way around me.  He doesn't become a floating head when he stands behind me and holds me.  There is nothing more humiliating for me than being able to completely obscure the person I love.

Ok, so I ended this with sunshine and lollipops, but I think it's good to remember how much progress I've made despite these pesky 2.8 pounds.

"Do your pants hang low, do they wobble to the floor..."

The gym sucks in January.  My gym isn't typically very packed, but everybody comes out of the woodwork in the new year.  By February, tumbleweeds drift through the lines of treadmills and ellipticals.

I actually couldn't get a treadmill tonight.  I was especially annoyed because I took 30 seconds to fill my water bottle before purposely moving towards the one free treadmill, but the guy who materialized from the other direction was 2 steps closer.  At least 3 of the treadmills were out of service, and the little one I tried to program froze weirdly.  Despite my frustration, I was not about to leave.  So I jumped on the elliptical, and holy hell!  They look so easy, but I was really feeling it after 3 minutes.  Happily, one of the employees nudged me to let me know a treadmill had just opened.

I jumped on and began my slow jog.  Suddenly, I felt my pants slipping down my hips.  I hiked them up, but the same thing happened less than a minute later.  I thought maybe it was my underwear material, but there's no way that underwear could cause that much slippage.  I started getting annoyed as I hiked my pants up like a little kid playing dress-up.  I can't even imagine what the people around me were thinking.  It was really distracting, and I didn't enjoy my jog tonight.  

On the bright side...my pants are falling down!!  You don't understand, these are the oddly cut yoga capris from the Old Navy online plus-size store that put me on the verge of camel toe in my wedding "getting ready" pictures.  I've worn them for two years, and now I can pull them up to my chest.  I look like Bill Hader doing an impression of Clint Eastwood.

"I've had it up to HERE!"

Naturally, I had to document this occasion.  

Pants hanging normally.  Aren't they such weird high-waters?

Pants hitching down the hips quickly.

SO. MUCH. ROOM.  Enjoy my mismatched fuzzy socks.

April 28, 2012.  The overhanging gut...the thing I feared more than anything while the weight piled up.

Farewell size 2X Womens Plus badly cut pants that went from constricting to indecent...you will now strictly be weekend loungewear.  I promise to do laundry frequently and have no excuse to wear you in public, even when the tumbleweeds float back into the gym.