MFP Week Challenge: Day 1

Today, I announced on my Facebook page that I would do my own personal challenge for a week.  I will be publicly holding myself accountable for my choices all week since I'm having a hard time getting back on track.  Life has been slowly turning around since mid-February, yet I can't manage to get myself into a routine.  I always find some kind of excuse or distraction to keep myself from making a breakfast smoothie, a healthy lunch with snacks, a constant water bottle and exercise.  Let's not even get into how much laundry and cleaning I need to do...

As I wrote about recently, I used to print out my MyFitnessPal diary pages for my trainer to read while I walked the treadmill.  She would give me advice, ask if I felt full during low-protein meals, and talk about my snack choices.  We got to the point that I knew exactly what to do, and I didn't need her guidance.  Then October 2014 happened, and I've been on a slow downward spiral ever since.  I'm lucky that I can see her again, thanks to the extreme fortune of being employed again.
I don't have many excuses anymore as my commute is next to nothing and my gym is right around the corner.  Aside from lingering mind-blowing family stress, I should be ready to start respecting my body again.  But I just can't get into a routine or start a to-do list.  And then the food comfort becomes a warm blanket that I turn to when I'm stressed.  Note the Taco Bell I immediately picked up last week after having to drive a total of 2 1/2 hours after work to deal with aforementioned family stress.
I've been eating well over 500 calories past my goal every day.  I haven't been tracking MFP faithfully at all.  I haven't been drinking enough water, plain hot tea, or my smoothies.  My veggies are almost non-existent again.  My skin is kinda gross, and my face is puffing up.  I can still fit into my clothes, but they just don't feel right.  I don't feel right.  And I'm sick of it.

So friends, I'm swinging my leg over the horse.  I still have work to do with re-balancing my diet and creating a habit.  My trainer says it takes 22 days to make a habit.  I will be publicly sharing for a week, but I think it will really be the push I need to keep doing this on my own every day.  I want energy back, I want to feel healthy, and I don't want to feel so heavy.  I know I'm not, but it's like all my tone disappeared.  So it's time to get my diet back in shape so I can really start kicking ass at the gym in May.

I actually made my smoothie this morning.  Since I had minimal ingredients, it reminded me how much I hate overly sweet fruity drinks.  Spinach will be used in full force tomorrow!  And of course, look at my super cute new drinkware!

I got the Harley Quinn tumbler at FYE.  I love her and I love the fact that the icky looking green will be covered up.  The Ello glass has a handle, is BPA free, and has a protective silicone sleeve.  I got it at Wal-Mart by the recommendation of my best friend.  Both are 20 ounces, and both had me running to pee all morning,  It sounds crazy, but I missed that.  I also remembered to take my multivitamin, something I've been slacking on doing.

April 27, 2015

I'd say today was a really successful start.  Some things I noticed:

-I absolutely need more protein in my smoothies, and I normally make them that way.  However, I had that Jamba Juice bag in the freezer for awhile and wanted to finally try it.  I will never use juice again and will be going back to almond milk and a tablespoon of peanut butter tomorrow.  I was starving by 11:30, and they used to hold me till nearly 1 pm.  This made me want to snack more in the afternoon.

-Lunch was great.  I love tuna and ricotta together (it's a creamier cottage cheese, don't judge), and that was my first time trying those tortilla chips.  I really enjoyed them; they had a sweet nutty taste and went great with the guacamole.  I can see making those a regular option in my lunches.

-I need something low calorie but substantial for a snack now.  Looks like I'm going back to string cheese and an apple! I was a little hangry by dinner, and I can practically hear my trainer saying it's because I had so much sweetness in the morning.  

-Dinner was awesome.  Qdoba is the lowest fat option for burrito bowls in this area.  I love Chipotle and Moe's, but Qdoba is closer to me and lighter on the calories/fat.  

  

-I was full but still had that craving for something sweet.  I KNOW!  But I didn't want to shock my body too fast, and now I don't have the urge to snack on anything.  Baby steps guys, baby steps.

Strength, Shaping, and Serendipity

I've mentioned my trainer in passing, but I don't think I've fully articulated just what an amazing and influential figure she has been in my life.

When I joined my local gym 5 years ago, I was trying to become fit after losing weight through Weight Watchers.  I was having difficulty focusing, so I learned about the training program through the manager.  He decided to match me with D since he thought our personalities would mesh well together.  He also told me that D was in the process of becoming ordained.  That threw me at first since I'm not a particularly religious person, but I decided it couldn't hurt to meet her.

I'm going to sound cliche, but we hit it off like gangbusters.  D has said from day one that our meeting was serendipitous.  She was impressed with my strength and frequently mixed up my weekly training programs.  However, I soon began a pattern of only seeing her at the gym and not going on my own time.  Things were starting to get stressful with my mother, and I began gaining weight.  I think I was only one of two clients who gained weight on her watch.  She didn't get upset with me or berate me.  I always referred to her as my "Bob" rather than "Jillian" from The Biggest Loser.  She knew that I wouldn't respond well to abrasive behavior and was relieved that I was getting any kind of exercise in my week.

My husband had just moved in by that point and came with me to the gym.  They hit it off as well, and he would sit in during my sessions while chatting with D, holding my feet, and teasing me that I needed to do 100 more reps.  They put their creative minds together to write and illustrate a book about a fairy tree, which will hopefully be available in the future!  D finished her schooling and became a non-denominational Christian minister.  It was truly her destiny to go down that road, and I saw new peace and fulfillment within her.

D is a very warm person who finds meaning in everything.  She doesn't like negativity and finds a way for me to put a positive spin on the grumpy things I say.  And believe me, that woman spent many grumpy hours with me over the years!  She always managed to put a smile on my face by the end of those sessions.  D finds beauty in the world and is quite poetic.  She can pull a poem that she wrote 10 years ago out of her brain, and it's always a lovely summation of a particular person, object, or situation.  D has an excellent sense of humor, and we often talk about TV or movies.  We chat about our personal lives, and I feel like I can trust her with just about anything.

My mother died in December 2010, and I was a mess.  My mom faithfully believed in God, and I didn't want a random minister giving her eulogy.  I called D, and she was hesitant at first because she never performed a funeral and hadn't been to one in many years.  But she got over her nerves and told me she'd be honored.  Even though D had never met my mother, she knew so much about her from all my stories and performed a beautiful service.  I felt calmer knowing I could focus on her while she was speaking next to the casket.

D does not force religion or spirituality on me or judge my beliefs.  She has been a sounding board for my rambles about what I truly believe.  I started reading more about Taoism thanks to her.  I am feeling more comfortable about giving myself permission to open my mind to more in this world beyond restrictive organized religion.  I am still a skeptic, but I'm willing to do research and reading, and never judge others.  My way of life is to treat others the way you want to be treated.

We were married in April 2012, and naturally we asked D to do the honors.  It was a short engagement period, and every Monday was spent exercising and going over the service and wedding details.  I loved how D put together a service that honored our beliefs while eliminating phrases and words that we didn't like.  She wore her robe with two crosses to make my Catholic grandmother happy, but otherwise it was a very spiritual wedding utilizing old Celtic traditions and blessings. Her husband was there as well, and he was so delightful and present in the rehearsal and setup.  It felt like a family affair.

I gained all the weight back that I lost on Weight Watchers (and then some), and D was extremely patient.  She was tentative about pushing my strength because she didn't want me to hurt my body.  It was a very fine line that she was walking with me, and I'm eternally grateful that she didn't give up on me.  She knew I had to come to the breakthrough and conclusion myself.  Naturally, she and my husband were worried that my depression and stubborn nature would keep me from doing this and that my health would be affected.  She would gently discuss this with me, and I knew she was right, but I was scared.

D would always tell me that if I just walked for 20 minutes, 3 times per week, that it would make a difference.  That a habit is formed after doing something for 22 days.  That my body needs protein and I should always pair a carb snack with a protein (think apple and cheese).  That I should really be eating a vegetable with every meal.  That I can think of myself as an island and that the necessary, nourishing food for my body is being dropped off via parachute.  That I should be mindful of my eating if I'm not exercising frequently.  That she really wants me to be exercising, but if I absolutely had to choose one or the other, that eating well is the way to go.  I started printing my week of MyFitnessPal daily diaries for her to read while I warmed up on the treadmill.  She would tell me what I did well, what could be improved or replaced, and talk to me about why I felt like I needed that coffee cake 3 nights in a row.  We recorded my weight weekly and talked about the fluctuations.  I do research on nutrition and weight loss, but it's funny how most advice I've given to people is usually from something D told me.

I started this journey in January 2013, and I lost 60 lbs by October 2014.  D is beyond thrilled.  Many people at the gym compliment me, and the owner has even posted my progress on their Facebook page.  I feel great being an example of the exemplary work that D does for her clients.  After I lost the initial excess 41 pounds in 2013, she began working on "shaping" me in 2014.  I only lost 19 lbs that year, but I lost a lot of inches.  People think I lost more weight thanks to her work!

I had to stop seeing her while I was unemployed from October through February, and it shows.  I'm still wearing the same size clothes, but I gained 10 pounds and have gone back to my old habits of never going to the gym.  D had designed a program for me that I could do on my own during that time, but I only did it a couple times.  I just had a session with her two weeks ago, and it felt amazing.  I'm still as strong as I ever was.  But I'm having a hard time managing family stress, a new job, and tired laziness.  D always tells me that the time I really feel grumpy about going to the gym is the time I need to go the most.  I only live 3 minutes away, and my new job is now another minute down the road.  There's no excuse whatsoever.  I feel like I'm starting from scratch again with my "change of life" mentality.  I know what I have to do thanks to all her guidance.  It's a matter of getting my butt out the door.

I miss her a lot, and I aim to have my life fully back on track in April.  We text and check in, but it's not the same.  I miss my friend, and I miss getting my weekly physical and mental workout!  My husband and I joke that D is our Yoda, and she truly is.

"Do. Or do not. There is no try."

Reality Check

Well, I'm at over 6000 views for this blog and I have nearly 400 followers on my Facebook page. I've said from day 1 that I'm going to be honest and open, and I feel like I would be cheating you guys from the true journey if I selectively omitted parts.

I got blood work done 3 weeks ago. They must have been backed up because I only just got the results today. Turns out my cholesterol is trending up. The HDL and triglycerides are good, but the overall number and LDL are borderline. Nothing a high fiber diet and veggies can't fix, but there's more to it than that.

I've worked so hard to lower my borderline cholesterol over the years. My last blood work was well over a year ago, but it was perfect. I'm so mad that I allowed everything to derail. It may not have been over the space of these 3 months, but what if it was. What if my body swiftly begins a downfall when I'm not mindful and hardly exercise or eat barely any veggies and consider lettuce and tomato in fast food to do the trick?

3 months.

Stress and depression is a beast in my body. I've also learned that I will really have to keep tracking and exercising when maintaining a weight. Sounds like a big duh, I know.  The thing is, I know exactly what I have to do to keep my body healthy. Executing this process can be tricky when I'm having a really difficult time. I absolutely despise that I let my emotions swallow me whole during a stressful time.

This year is about reclaiming myself. I am infuriated at the things going on in my life and my reaction to them. Taco Bell and chips don't solve everything. My husband tells me I need to exercise more, to write out all my emotions, to meditate, to drink my smoothies again. He's so right.

I can still wear sweaters and my size 16 jeans. But I have to stop this downfall or I won't be able to button them. I can still feel my collarbone, but I also feel too much neck. My rings are still loose and my feet still bony, but my belly feels so heavy.  Lethargy feels like ass.

I need to make this public to hold myself accountable.  I felt AMAZING on October 25, 2014. I want to feel this way again ASAP. It's completely doable. My stress should have a big layer lifted by the end of February, but naturally that's not happening without bumps in the road.

I love the way I feel when I eat well. This grease is making me sick. I miss jogging as well. I hate holding myself back from things I enjoy because it takes a couple steps more effort.  I don't want to be that lazy person anymore.

I've come too far to give this all up. I'm better than that. This may not be the speediest journey, but damn if it's not realistic and educational for me!

September- December: Catching Up

I've been disappointed in myself for not doing a quick monthly update.  However, life really kicked me in the butt, and I've had a lot of time to reflect.  

I got laid off on October 10.  As alluded to in previous posts, this job was sucking the life out of me.  I regret that it only lasted for 4 months, but I don't regret taking the position.  If anything, I have learned a lot about my needs, wants, and non-negotiables in job searching.  It's been a welcome mental break, but I absolutely hate having a job gap for the first time in 7 years.  However, it was very eerily timed.

I just had to get my grandmother into an assisted living facility in early December, and there has been a lot of craziness with that, along with getting the albatross of a property sold.  I'm not going into all those details, it's too personal and too turbulent.  Just know it's the biggest headache and wallet drainer.  She went into the hospital for over a week after 10 days of being in the facility.  She wasn't discharged until Christmas Eve.  Needless to say, I haven't been especially jolly this holiday season.  I'm both looking forward to and scared to death about the new year.  

2014 was pretty much rock bottom in so many ways.  I'm not even sure I was this stressed when my mother died in 2010.  However, the best thing we could have done was get our precious kitties at the end of August.  I can't believe I haven't even talked about them!  Their names are Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, and they are 2-year-old brother and sister tabbies.  My allergies are off the charts with cats, but I love kitties, and my husband is such a cat man.  He waited for years until I felt secure enough to adopt.  So far, my allergies have been fine, I just have to be diligent about taking Claritin every day.  And I don't care if I'm a bit more congested and/or sniffly, our babies are worth it.  

Luke and Leia.  Practically twins, but she has more delicate facial features.

Leia is a lap kitty and my shadow. She is a 8 pound space heater, loves playing with her mousies, and chattering out the window. She gets jealous when Luke comes for love, but we're working on that.

Luke is such a sweet, shy, loving boy.  He has opened up so much, likes to snuggle and play (though he is not as curiously naughty as his sister!) and really gets vocal, especially at dinner time. 

These kitties have prevented me from having 5395 panic attacks over these past few months.  Don't be surprised to see them pop up in the future!

All of this craziness completely sent my routine out the window.  I have learned that I am a person who desperately needs a routine during the week.  I started getting very bad habits again.  My trainer was kind enough to give me a workout to do while I can't see her, but I've done it maybe 3 times.  I hardly go to the gym even though it's 24/7 and I have so much time for once.  I've only had a few smoothies and have slipped back into bad food choices while erratically updating MyFitnessPal.  My FitBit battery died, and I didn't care.  I'm just in the WHATEVER mode that sent me to the high weight that I was for so many years.  Depression does that to me.  I almost wish I was in the strange August mood when I didn't want to eat.  Yeah, well, holidays aren't helping either.

By October 25, I was officially down 60 pounds.  SIXTY POUNDS.  That was the day of our Halloween party.  I dressed up as Velma Kelly from Chicago, and I never felt better in my life.

My trainer made me do this side-by-side for comparison.

I felt amazing.  So many of our friends were freaking out and I got some of the nicest compliments.  It wasn't just the insane punch that made me tear up that evening.  I was so happy that so many people were there and that we were just going crazy.  I needed that so badly after getting kicked so badly a couple weeks prior.

But then came the Halloween leftovers.  Oh boy.  I went on a carb rampage for a week.  Normally, I might have ditched most of it, but I was in the "WE MUST BUDGET AND SAVE AND EAT EVERY LAST MORSEL" mode.  (Actually, I'm still that way.)  This isn't a bad thing...but I really didn't need to pack it all away myself.

My 34th birthday was on November 23.  I may have been a couple pounds heavier, but I still looked cute.  I love these side-by-side shots of the last three birthdays.

32-34.  A friend said it looks like 3 different people.  I love that.

Then came December.  I wouldn't eat in the morning and then would pack it in at night.  I may have also become addicted to doughnuts, Mountain Dew, and Taco Bell during this time period.  Sigh.  This is what happens when you have to go cheaper than Chipotle (if even eating out at all).  When I started logging into MyFitnessPal again, I was upset to see I was eating at least 450 calories more per day than my usual goal.  Combine that with not being too active...yeah.  The pounds are going to come back.  Then everything happened the week before Christmas right as I was baking...sigh again.  

I'm not happy with myself at all right now.  I still fit into my clothes and my size 16 pants, but I've gained between 7-9 pounds since my ultimate low on Halloween.  This scares me because it shows just how easily I can slip if I'm not being mindful, organized, and in a routine.  It also shows what can happen when my activity level drops.  My body feels like ass right now.  I desperately need to start fresh and eat lots of vegetables, protein, tea, and smoothies while going to the gym.  Sure, my clothes  from last year are still mostly hanging on me, but I can feel the change in my face.  The heaviness around my stomach.  The general lethargy.  It's awful, and I refuse- REFUSE- to go backwards.  

I've decided not to generally focus so much on scale numbers.  My monthly wrap-ups will include more than just pounds.  This is something I've been mulling over for awhile.  I may not have lost 41 pounds in a year like I did in 2013, but does that mean I was a failure?  Hell no!  I lost so many inches and got so much stronger and fitter.  My doctor is so thrilled with my progress and doesn't care about things like BMI.  She wants me to go to the gym to work out the stress and to keep focusing on inches.  I will certainly post weight loss numbers when I hit goals, but I don't think it's a good idea to drive myself crazy with it.  I will still record on MyFitnessPal, but I don't need to document every last wave and valley on the blog.  Success is most definitely not a straight line.  

I need to get through this week and then officially start my life over again on January 1.  Many people poo-poo New Years resolutions, but I'd like to point out that I said I would change my life on January 1, 2013.  Check out how much has changed for the better nearly 2 years later.  I'm going to keep going.  Ideally, I had another 36 pounds more to lose after the 60 mark.  Right now, I'm not going to worry about that.  I'm going to break my huge 15 year long goal down into two 10 pound goals.  I just want to achieve that goal so badly, I can taste it.  I was only 10 pounds away on October 25.  I'm not going to let this setback discourage me.  I've proven I can get that low once, and I will do it again!  I will also be blogging and checking in on the Facebook page quite a bit more.  Check that out and follow, as I always have blog updates and other random pix and whatnot.  

Now....pictures!  Not quite as many as there should be, but that's ok.

yup, that was pretty much late August into September.

September

The effects of not eating.  I was small but miserable.

(Yes, my husband is allowing me to use his non-Joker image on here, haha.  Hi hubby!)

Clothes hanging.

At a Ren Faire.  The day I realized I could rock a shorter haircut.

Cause let's face it, my hair was just getting awful.

Ta-da!!!!  I modeled it after Lena Headey's hair, and it worked perfectly.

She's so purty.

August 2012 vs September 2014. 

I got into Old Navy sweetheart size 16 jeans!  Still comfy despite the gain.  Sweetheart is great for pear shapes and curves, plus it has a nice normal mid-rise.

Feeling good.

Doing my best Lisa Loeb impression.

Well damn, looks like I'm gonna have to get a new Aerosmith shirt...

October

October sucked, didn't take many pix till Halloween.  One of the times I went to the gym.

...and all that jazz!

My husband was Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.  Everyone's costumes were fantastic.

This is a good summary of my current home life.  (With Leia)

November

Voting day!  

A video where I jogged 3/4 mile on an outside trail to thank everyone for getting me to 300 followers (now at 350!).  I definitely walked a lot of parts.  Outdoors is definitely different than the treadmill!

A side-by-side that makes me super happy.

Fastest mile ever at 15:18, woooo!!!!

It sounds silly, but this is the first time these boots have been loose on me in over 4 years.  I normally have to get them on Zappos or at Torrid for wide calves.  This made me so happy.

The push-up challenge!  This is only a couple minutes and makes me laugh.  Enjoy my music choice!

Last workout before my birthday.  Obviously Hedwig has been getting me through much of this year.

Birthday!  I think I look younger now.  It also helps that I'm actually filling in my eyebrows.

My husband has treated me like a queen this year and always.  He is the absolute best.

December

Morning kisses with the Luke.

Feeling good after my workout.  Now if only I would do that more often...

This was taken on December 18 before the holiday eats really kicked in.  I can't even keep these pj pants up anymore.  Blows my mind how much smaller they were back in December 2012.

June Progress Numbers & Wrap Up

Not happy with June.  As I elaborated in my last post, it's been very stressful in my life.  I went backwards a bit and haven't stepped on the scale in just over a week.  So let's just get to it.

Weight:  + 2
2014 Weight loss: 11 pounds
Weight loss:  52 pounds

Yeah, so I'm upset that this extra 2 lbs has been hanging onto my stomach.  My face, legs, and feet are fine, but my stomach is not.  That picture is also helpful to see that I desperately need a bra fitting.  My back is actually rather flat, which is something my trainer is extremely pleased about.  My butt width has shrunk.  My shoulder and cape area is good.  But that damn stomach...ugh.

It's been harder this year.  Once you hit a big loss, it gets really hard to lose even more.  As I was discussing with my husband today, I'm terrified of going back to 2009-2010 when I gained back the Weight Watchers loss.  Granted, I have a bigger loss now and a better body transformation...but with the way I've been making some shitty choices, and the way my stomach feels right now...I'm scared, ok?  I refuse to go backwards.  This has to just be a temporary bump.

While I'm on the topic, I have to thank my husband for being the most supportive, loving, and motivating person I know.  Sure, we've fought about some things (he's kind of black and white with his viewpoint), but he ultimately cares about my health, my well being, my mental state and stress level, and he does everything he can for me.  I'm seriously lucky.  I don't know if I could be doing this without him.  My best friends have been amazing, and all the wonderful people I know personally and online that have been supporting me are fantastic.  I have a support system everywhere I look.  Not many people can say that, and I truly appreciate it.  But to have someone who knows me so intimately and who is in love with me no matter what size I am...yeah, I am grateful every day to have married such a wonderful man.

You can all stop dry heaving now!  I'm going to move on to pictures.

One of my last days at the office.

I made sure to look my best that last week.

2nd to last ugly bathroom selfie...

Last day, last ugly bathroom selfie! 

Love my elephant dress, but it really is best with tights, so I'm saving it for the fall.

Flipping a shit during NPH's performance of Sugar Daddy during the Tony's.  Hedwig and the Angry Inch is my lifeline.  The one time I wish my husband videoed me!

This tank top is getting downright obscene with its bagginess.  It's actually quite 80s now, I should wear a cute neon bra underneath it or something.

New work bathroom selfie!!  Woooo!  Check out the brightness, cleanliness, and privacy!  Oh, and my Twin Peaks skirt was falling off me when I didn't have it folded over.

Making it back to the gym...need to keep freakin' doing this.

Of course my grandmother had to comment on how horizontal stripes make you look wider.  SIGH.  I like the shirt (we got a nice Old Navy sale haul), so WHATEVER.

So, yeah.  I don't look terrible, and a lot of my summer clothes are hanging, but I don't feel good, and I could look much better.  Plain and simple.  I've had a month to get adjusted to this job.  No more excuses.  I have new sneakers.

No more excuses.  I have pretty support for my feet.

I could really use some extra support this month, to be honest.  I hate asking like that, but I just need to be held accountable.  I had fun food.  My trainer does not berate me.  She just says, "Ok, and do you feel a difference now that you had that and no veggies?"  My affirmation makes her happy because I'm able to acknowledge that my body needs healthy food and exercise with moderate treats. I'm happy that I'm not in denial over this fact as well.  That's definitely an improvement over last year.

February Wrap Ups and Awesome People Acknowledgments

I only posted twice this month, and that's not like me.  Well, February is the shortest month, and it was a hell month between recovering from surgery, multiple snow storms, a 2 day power outage, and just overall stress.  It also doesn't help that I'm finishing the month during bloat week.  

Let's get right to the numbers and pictures:

February weight loss:  1 pound

Total weight loss:  46 pounds

My husband now wants to make sure we get back shots of me.  He always knows it's photo time when I come downstairs in this purple shirt.  I've decided not to wear it any other time.

At one point, I was actually down 48 pounds.  I have not changed this in my MyFitnessPal app as I intend to swiftly be back to that point.  I have been holding myself accountable with my trainer and her log.  February was the month of NSVs, as I described in my last entry.  I'm not upset with the results.  I know I should hopefully be back to 48 pounds after next week, and I'm really looking forward to hitting the 50 mark.  51 pounds will be my second 10 percent goal, and I will be treating myself to a new tattoo.  I'm already going to see a few Broadway shows in April, so I wanted to treat myself to something different.

This picture is from my desk at work.

The top picture was sent to me on Facebook from my best friend who is a runner, and it means quite a bit to me.  I also find it fun because I do do a 16 minute mile!  The bottom picture was just sent to me on this blog from a fellow blogger, and I just love it.  Success, especially in regards to weight loss, is hardly linear.  It got me thinking about all the outpouring of support I've received for this blog, and I've truly never had more fun writing online in over 10 years.  I know it's only been a couple months, but I've already received 2,000+ hits for this blog, and it feels amazing.  I would like to take a minute to thank those in my life who have been so supportive (and I'm purposely giving them vague anonymity, as I would never want anyone to feel awkward).

To my husband L...you fell in love with me at my heaviest, loved me 45 lbs lighter, married me 50 pounds heavier, and can't keep your hands off me now.  I know that's because I'm gaining self-confidence, and the fact that we can fully wrap our arms around each other is an amazing feeling. You're still not allowed to lift me until I get to onederland.  Thank you for all your love and encouragement and standing by me no matter what.  I love you with all my heart and soul.  

To my trainer D...you have given me so much physical and spiritual guidance.  I look forward to every Tuesday night.  Your patience is unending, and you're very sneaky in how you give me a tough workout without me knowing until halfway through.  You've guided me in building my strength like never before and shaping my body to finally look the way it was meant to look.  

To my bester DB, you've been my cheerleader for way over a decade.  Your pom poms and support are always so positive and make me feel great and accomplished.  I've learned quite a bit from you in terms of healthy eating and exercise, and I love that we enjoy so many of the same healthy organic foods now.  Your the Amy to my Tina!  And of course, your wonderful husband E has been so supportive as well.  Thank you for being my family.  So much love!

To my hofosho AS, I love lamp, and I love you.  You were the first one to say to me last year "Holy crap, look at your tiny waist," and that statement was a game changer for me. I never thought my body was capable of that, and it motivated me all the more.  Thank you for always being there and for being so kind, and thanks also to your wonderful husband I who has been a great ear over the past year with this topic.    

To my person DH, thank you for commiserating with me about this topic and being such a great support in my life.  You've seen me at my tiniest (in what, elementary school? ha), and you've never judged me no matter how big I got.  You've always seen me for me.  Thank you so much for that.

To my bff JK, thank you for telling me your whole family has been enjoying the blog, that means a lot.  You've always been so encouraging of my writing over the years, and I truly appreciate it.  We don't discuss weight a great deal, but knowing that you notice and encourage my journey means a great deal.

To my bestie BM, you have been nothing but loving and encouraging to me for all the years we've been friends.  Rather than get mushy, I'd really prefer to do a bunch of inside jokes in a Samantha Jones voice, so I'll just leave it at this:  I adore you.  Thank you.

To my nan...thank you for finally saying that I'm shaping up and looking good.  We've had a rocky journey in regards to discussing weight, but the fact that you can see how I'm changing (and how you want to steal my sweaters when they get too big) means a lot.  You'll never see this, but I love you with all my heart, and I'm glad you're seeing my progress.

To my in-laws V & B...thank you for the kindness and encouragement in this journey.  I wish I could be as athletic as you guys, but I appreciate that you see our differences and support me in all my accomplishments that I've been slowly making.  It means so much to me.  To my brother-in-law B, thank you for telling me even as far back as June what "fucking great" progress I've been making.  I know you don't just say things like that, and I truly appreciate your noticing and making sure to let me know.  Love you guys.

To all my cousins on the other coast, I really wish I got to see you more, and I appreciate all your support, "likes," comments, and everything you do to let me know that you care from 3000 miles away.  Thank you, and I love you all!!!  To my husband's cousin SG- thank you for always supporting me on here!  I hope I can meet you soon.  And to JR, you look amazing, and thank you for always listening to me about anything!

To LK and AK...thank you for being back in my life and so present and attentive.  I love you guys so damn much, and A- I'm so proud of everything you've accomplished as well!

To JC, thank you for the encouragement and support.  It means a lot that you read this.  To your hubby RC, thank you for asking me on Halloween where the rest of me went.  I hadn't seen you guys in 10 months, and it felt really good to hear that.  You guys are awesome.

To AS, thank you for making me feel like a rock star a few weeks ago.  You're a goddamn gorgeous superstar as far as I'm concerned, and I love you.

To CB and KR, thank you for getting me into the world of weight loss apps.  You both look fabulous, and I truly appreciate all the input.

To DS and HRB, thank you for all the advice regarding running and shoes, etc. I keep your advice in mind often and know that this is not a competition, that this is for me.

To NP, thank you for acknowledging how much more weight I've lost every time I see you...I'm practically blushing and going OH YOU.  You're awesome, bear.

To MM, it means a lot that your awesome sensei self has complimented me so profusely over the year.  We miss you!

To my old high school pals HS, AF, and AJ....thank you ladies for constantly supporting me on my entries and accomplishments.  I've loved chatting with you about this, and I know you will be accomplishing all your similar goals as well!!  Remember, we all got this.  To DG, thank you for being the inspiration for this blog.  Your blog was so honest, and I was riveted by your journey.  You look amazing.

To my dear friends who I mostly see online, BD, SBT, LC, JJG, ER, CZP, LL, thank you for always supporting me in everything I do.  Wish I could see you guys more and give you a big hug.

To my friends who have been "liking" and commenting on Facebook, texting, privately messaging, leaving comments here....THANK YOU.  I wish I could acknowledge you all, but then we'd be in a sea of confusing initials.

It just feels so good to know that I'm not alone in this journey.  Only two months into the second year, and I already feel so much love.