Reality Check

Well, I'm at over 6000 views for this blog and I have nearly 400 followers on my Facebook page. I've said from day 1 that I'm going to be honest and open, and I feel like I would be cheating you guys from the true journey if I selectively omitted parts.

I got blood work done 3 weeks ago. They must have been backed up because I only just got the results today. Turns out my cholesterol is trending up. The HDL and triglycerides are good, but the overall number and LDL are borderline. Nothing a high fiber diet and veggies can't fix, but there's more to it than that.

I've worked so hard to lower my borderline cholesterol over the years. My last blood work was well over a year ago, but it was perfect. I'm so mad that I allowed everything to derail. It may not have been over the space of these 3 months, but what if it was. What if my body swiftly begins a downfall when I'm not mindful and hardly exercise or eat barely any veggies and consider lettuce and tomato in fast food to do the trick?

3 months.

Stress and depression is a beast in my body. I've also learned that I will really have to keep tracking and exercising when maintaining a weight. Sounds like a big duh, I know.  The thing is, I know exactly what I have to do to keep my body healthy. Executing this process can be tricky when I'm having a really difficult time. I absolutely despise that I let my emotions swallow me whole during a stressful time.

This year is about reclaiming myself. I am infuriated at the things going on in my life and my reaction to them. Taco Bell and chips don't solve everything. My husband tells me I need to exercise more, to write out all my emotions, to meditate, to drink my smoothies again. He's so right.

I can still wear sweaters and my size 16 jeans. But I have to stop this downfall or I won't be able to button them. I can still feel my collarbone, but I also feel too much neck. My rings are still loose and my feet still bony, but my belly feels so heavy.  Lethargy feels like ass.

I need to make this public to hold myself accountable.  I felt AMAZING on October 25, 2014. I want to feel this way again ASAP. It's completely doable. My stress should have a big layer lifted by the end of February, but naturally that's not happening without bumps in the road.

I love the way I feel when I eat well. This grease is making me sick. I miss jogging as well. I hate holding myself back from things I enjoy because it takes a couple steps more effort.  I don't want to be that lazy person anymore.

I've come too far to give this all up. I'm better than that. This may not be the speediest journey, but damn if it's not realistic and educational for me!

Stress Eating: Then and Now

I really don't feel like going into it, but I'm going through the second most stressful time period of my adult life right now.  Normally when I feel stress, I give in to comfort eating.  And ohhhh the comfort foods in my life...these are the foods I can't really have often otherwise I will turn into a ravenous monster and nom them all down.  Let's list them so they're just out there in the open:

-Fried chicken.  None of that breaded crap, FRIED.
-Stromboli.  You give me anything smothered with mozzarella and tomato sauce, and I'm a goner
-Chicken Parmesan.  The unhealthy versions that are fried and with pasta.
-Cheese fries.  They're oh so terrible and oh so delicious.
-Pastry.  Cake, donuts, cinnamon buns, my cupcakes....evil.
-Pasta.  I could live on pasta with any kind of sauce or veggie or meat.  Unfortunately, it lives on my ass.
-Herrs Cheese Curls.  I will eat three servings in a blink of an eye, and that's the calorie equivalent of a meal.
-Soft Pretzels.  Worst thing in the world for me to eat.  Why are they so delicious?  So Philly.

These are my special treats.  I don't deny myself, but I REALLY have to watch myself around them.

I have been eating weirdly these past couple weeks.  I have been trying to integrate my every-meal-vegetable, but I've often been skipping meals.  Then I've been making up for it calorie-wise in one huge dinner.  So while my caloric numbers aren't tipping too terribly, I've been balancing the food terribly.  And while the calories may be within range, the fat hasn't been.  I'm trying to look at the whole picture here, and I'm trying to cleanse myself this week.  I'm going to be eating dinner at really strange late hours, but I have to make them light meals with a good post-work snack.

I was so proud of myself for not giving in to stress and even not wanting to eat.  But then, of course, it catches up.  And I didn't make the best decision for both dinners this weekend....

KFC.  Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I don't even like it that much, but it's fried chicken.  My stomach is still begging for mercy and trying to expunge everything.  Yet, I had it 2 days in a row.  Allow me to quote the movie So I Married An Axe Murderer regarding the love/hate relationship I have with Colonel Sanders.

  (I made that myself...I'm so proud)

It was good.  Not great.  I've had better.  I had a few potato wedges and tons of chicken.  They also have a deal where they give you a free chocolate or lemon pound cake if you get the 10+ piece bucket.  Yeah, so I also had half a slice each night.  It wasn't that great.  If my husband won't touch it, I'm throwing it out.

Now my body is retaining salt.  If I could prick a hole in my body and let all that retention shoot out, I so would.  Did I mention I had a Mountain Dew and barely drank water?  Add that brominated vegetable oil to the above list....

I just want to scream.  I know backsliding is inevitable, but how did I think that was a good idea for 2 days?!  I've been physically active those two days, but STILL!  

I need to make a plan.  I need to keep my body healthy during this stressful time period otherwise I'm going to destroy my health and sanity in so many ways.

My weight gain came flying back when my mother died in December 2010.  I'm not going to let this current stress affect me the same way.  I can't.  I've come too far and worked too hard and feel too good.  I need emotional support around me.  My husband and best friends are amazing, but I really do need to know that I can get through this extremely rough patch without sabotaging myself.  If you could shoot me a positive vibe right now, that would be extremely lovely.

Thanks everyone for reading, as always.