Reality Check

Well, I'm at over 6000 views for this blog and I have nearly 400 followers on my Facebook page. I've said from day 1 that I'm going to be honest and open, and I feel like I would be cheating you guys from the true journey if I selectively omitted parts.

I got blood work done 3 weeks ago. They must have been backed up because I only just got the results today. Turns out my cholesterol is trending up. The HDL and triglycerides are good, but the overall number and LDL are borderline. Nothing a high fiber diet and veggies can't fix, but there's more to it than that.

I've worked so hard to lower my borderline cholesterol over the years. My last blood work was well over a year ago, but it was perfect. I'm so mad that I allowed everything to derail. It may not have been over the space of these 3 months, but what if it was. What if my body swiftly begins a downfall when I'm not mindful and hardly exercise or eat barely any veggies and consider lettuce and tomato in fast food to do the trick?

3 months.

Stress and depression is a beast in my body. I've also learned that I will really have to keep tracking and exercising when maintaining a weight. Sounds like a big duh, I know.  The thing is, I know exactly what I have to do to keep my body healthy. Executing this process can be tricky when I'm having a really difficult time. I absolutely despise that I let my emotions swallow me whole during a stressful time.

This year is about reclaiming myself. I am infuriated at the things going on in my life and my reaction to them. Taco Bell and chips don't solve everything. My husband tells me I need to exercise more, to write out all my emotions, to meditate, to drink my smoothies again. He's so right.

I can still wear sweaters and my size 16 jeans. But I have to stop this downfall or I won't be able to button them. I can still feel my collarbone, but I also feel too much neck. My rings are still loose and my feet still bony, but my belly feels so heavy.  Lethargy feels like ass.

I need to make this public to hold myself accountable.  I felt AMAZING on October 25, 2014. I want to feel this way again ASAP. It's completely doable. My stress should have a big layer lifted by the end of February, but naturally that's not happening without bumps in the road.

I love the way I feel when I eat well. This grease is making me sick. I miss jogging as well. I hate holding myself back from things I enjoy because it takes a couple steps more effort.  I don't want to be that lazy person anymore.

I've come too far to give this all up. I'm better than that. This may not be the speediest journey, but damn if it's not realistic and educational for me!

September- December: Catching Up

I've been disappointed in myself for not doing a quick monthly update.  However, life really kicked me in the butt, and I've had a lot of time to reflect.  

I got laid off on October 10.  As alluded to in previous posts, this job was sucking the life out of me.  I regret that it only lasted for 4 months, but I don't regret taking the position.  If anything, I have learned a lot about my needs, wants, and non-negotiables in job searching.  It's been a welcome mental break, but I absolutely hate having a job gap for the first time in 7 years.  However, it was very eerily timed.

I just had to get my grandmother into an assisted living facility in early December, and there has been a lot of craziness with that, along with getting the albatross of a property sold.  I'm not going into all those details, it's too personal and too turbulent.  Just know it's the biggest headache and wallet drainer.  She went into the hospital for over a week after 10 days of being in the facility.  She wasn't discharged until Christmas Eve.  Needless to say, I haven't been especially jolly this holiday season.  I'm both looking forward to and scared to death about the new year.  

2014 was pretty much rock bottom in so many ways.  I'm not even sure I was this stressed when my mother died in 2010.  However, the best thing we could have done was get our precious kitties at the end of August.  I can't believe I haven't even talked about them!  Their names are Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, and they are 2-year-old brother and sister tabbies.  My allergies are off the charts with cats, but I love kitties, and my husband is such a cat man.  He waited for years until I felt secure enough to adopt.  So far, my allergies have been fine, I just have to be diligent about taking Claritin every day.  And I don't care if I'm a bit more congested and/or sniffly, our babies are worth it.  

Luke and Leia.  Practically twins, but she has more delicate facial features.

Leia is a lap kitty and my shadow. She is a 8 pound space heater, loves playing with her mousies, and chattering out the window. She gets jealous when Luke comes for love, but we're working on that.

Luke is such a sweet, shy, loving boy.  He has opened up so much, likes to snuggle and play (though he is not as curiously naughty as his sister!) and really gets vocal, especially at dinner time. 

These kitties have prevented me from having 5395 panic attacks over these past few months.  Don't be surprised to see them pop up in the future!

All of this craziness completely sent my routine out the window.  I have learned that I am a person who desperately needs a routine during the week.  I started getting very bad habits again.  My trainer was kind enough to give me a workout to do while I can't see her, but I've done it maybe 3 times.  I hardly go to the gym even though it's 24/7 and I have so much time for once.  I've only had a few smoothies and have slipped back into bad food choices while erratically updating MyFitnessPal.  My FitBit battery died, and I didn't care.  I'm just in the WHATEVER mode that sent me to the high weight that I was for so many years.  Depression does that to me.  I almost wish I was in the strange August mood when I didn't want to eat.  Yeah, well, holidays aren't helping either.

By October 25, I was officially down 60 pounds.  SIXTY POUNDS.  That was the day of our Halloween party.  I dressed up as Velma Kelly from Chicago, and I never felt better in my life.

My trainer made me do this side-by-side for comparison.

I felt amazing.  So many of our friends were freaking out and I got some of the nicest compliments.  It wasn't just the insane punch that made me tear up that evening.  I was so happy that so many people were there and that we were just going crazy.  I needed that so badly after getting kicked so badly a couple weeks prior.

But then came the Halloween leftovers.  Oh boy.  I went on a carb rampage for a week.  Normally, I might have ditched most of it, but I was in the "WE MUST BUDGET AND SAVE AND EAT EVERY LAST MORSEL" mode.  (Actually, I'm still that way.)  This isn't a bad thing...but I really didn't need to pack it all away myself.

My 34th birthday was on November 23.  I may have been a couple pounds heavier, but I still looked cute.  I love these side-by-side shots of the last three birthdays.

32-34.  A friend said it looks like 3 different people.  I love that.

Then came December.  I wouldn't eat in the morning and then would pack it in at night.  I may have also become addicted to doughnuts, Mountain Dew, and Taco Bell during this time period.  Sigh.  This is what happens when you have to go cheaper than Chipotle (if even eating out at all).  When I started logging into MyFitnessPal again, I was upset to see I was eating at least 450 calories more per day than my usual goal.  Combine that with not being too active...yeah.  The pounds are going to come back.  Then everything happened the week before Christmas right as I was baking...sigh again.  

I'm not happy with myself at all right now.  I still fit into my clothes and my size 16 pants, but I've gained between 7-9 pounds since my ultimate low on Halloween.  This scares me because it shows just how easily I can slip if I'm not being mindful, organized, and in a routine.  It also shows what can happen when my activity level drops.  My body feels like ass right now.  I desperately need to start fresh and eat lots of vegetables, protein, tea, and smoothies while going to the gym.  Sure, my clothes  from last year are still mostly hanging on me, but I can feel the change in my face.  The heaviness around my stomach.  The general lethargy.  It's awful, and I refuse- REFUSE- to go backwards.  

I've decided not to generally focus so much on scale numbers.  My monthly wrap-ups will include more than just pounds.  This is something I've been mulling over for awhile.  I may not have lost 41 pounds in a year like I did in 2013, but does that mean I was a failure?  Hell no!  I lost so many inches and got so much stronger and fitter.  My doctor is so thrilled with my progress and doesn't care about things like BMI.  She wants me to go to the gym to work out the stress and to keep focusing on inches.  I will certainly post weight loss numbers when I hit goals, but I don't think it's a good idea to drive myself crazy with it.  I will still record on MyFitnessPal, but I don't need to document every last wave and valley on the blog.  Success is most definitely not a straight line.  

I need to get through this week and then officially start my life over again on January 1.  Many people poo-poo New Years resolutions, but I'd like to point out that I said I would change my life on January 1, 2013.  Check out how much has changed for the better nearly 2 years later.  I'm going to keep going.  Ideally, I had another 36 pounds more to lose after the 60 mark.  Right now, I'm not going to worry about that.  I'm going to break my huge 15 year long goal down into two 10 pound goals.  I just want to achieve that goal so badly, I can taste it.  I was only 10 pounds away on October 25.  I'm not going to let this setback discourage me.  I've proven I can get that low once, and I will do it again!  I will also be blogging and checking in on the Facebook page quite a bit more.  Check that out and follow, as I always have blog updates and other random pix and whatnot.  

Now....pictures!  Not quite as many as there should be, but that's ok.

yup, that was pretty much late August into September.

September

The effects of not eating.  I was small but miserable.

(Yes, my husband is allowing me to use his non-Joker image on here, haha.  Hi hubby!)

Clothes hanging.

At a Ren Faire.  The day I realized I could rock a shorter haircut.

Cause let's face it, my hair was just getting awful.

Ta-da!!!!  I modeled it after Lena Headey's hair, and it worked perfectly.

She's so purty.

August 2012 vs September 2014. 

I got into Old Navy sweetheart size 16 jeans!  Still comfy despite the gain.  Sweetheart is great for pear shapes and curves, plus it has a nice normal mid-rise.

Feeling good.

Doing my best Lisa Loeb impression.

Well damn, looks like I'm gonna have to get a new Aerosmith shirt...

October

October sucked, didn't take many pix till Halloween.  One of the times I went to the gym.

...and all that jazz!

My husband was Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.  Everyone's costumes were fantastic.

This is a good summary of my current home life.  (With Leia)

November

Voting day!  

A video where I jogged 3/4 mile on an outside trail to thank everyone for getting me to 300 followers (now at 350!).  I definitely walked a lot of parts.  Outdoors is definitely different than the treadmill!

A side-by-side that makes me super happy.

Fastest mile ever at 15:18, woooo!!!!

It sounds silly, but this is the first time these boots have been loose on me in over 4 years.  I normally have to get them on Zappos or at Torrid for wide calves.  This made me so happy.

The push-up challenge!  This is only a couple minutes and makes me laugh.  Enjoy my music choice!

Last workout before my birthday.  Obviously Hedwig has been getting me through much of this year.

Birthday!  I think I look younger now.  It also helps that I'm actually filling in my eyebrows.

My husband has treated me like a queen this year and always.  He is the absolute best.

December

Morning kisses with the Luke.

Feeling good after my workout.  Now if only I would do that more often...

This was taken on December 18 before the holiday eats really kicked in.  I can't even keep these pj pants up anymore.  Blows my mind how much smaller they were back in December 2012.

Getting Back on Track

This post is not really meant to be an excuse for how terrible my habits have been since mid-May.  It's really meant to serve more as a clarifying explanation with a bit of vague thrown in for good measure.  Hey, I can't be a total open book, right?

So, I've alluded that crap has been going on in my life right now and that I have been completely thrown off my routine.  As I mentioned before, I got a new job (WOOOO!), but I'm still adjusting to lunch hours and the way the break room is run and all.  It sounds stupid, but when you go from an office of 10 to a company of at least 100, you start thinking twice about lunches that need to be microwaved for more than a minute or two.  Plus, we're set further back in a complex that's not near many good options.  It would take a good 5-10 minutes just to get to the not-so-hot options.  Times like these, I miss being close to Wegmans and Trader Joe's and Panera.  However, it's forcing me to think about what I'm packing for the week, and that's a good thing.  It should keep me on a good weight loss and not running for the vending machines.  But, as with all things in life, it takes adjusting.

The stressful bits of my life right now involve having to sell my grandmother's place and make sure she gets into an assisted living facility.  It's only been a month and a half since the decision was made, and we've gotten a ton done, but it's so hard to see that progress since she was a bit of a hoarder.  It's very common among the Depression-era baby demographic.  When I was at my old job, I was driving 90 minutes from work to get to her house...in my car that has no air conditioning for the second year in a row because it will cost nearly $2000 to fix.  At my current job, it only takes me 25-30 minutes to get there, which is even better than coming from my house.  That has certainly helped my stress level.

When I was driving 90 minutes to get there, I would just eat a protein bar.  I didn't want to waste time eating dinner there when I could be working, and I didn't want to eat fast food in the car.  So I'd get there around 6:30 and leave towards 9, go home, and eat dinner late.  Now I get there around 5:30, leave at 7, and get home before 8.  I've decided to do this once a week beginning in 2 weeks since it's really taken over my life, and I'm just about done with working on her place.

Think about it.  You go right from work with no dinner to work on a packed condo and then drive 45 minutes home a couple hours later with no air conditioning.  This was me just thinking about going to the gym.

"But Chris," you say, "It will give you such energy and keep you healthy!"

"Don't you think you should put that salty food down?  If you're not exercising, you may puff up..."

"You could exercise in the morning, you know, since you go to bed later and wake up earlier?  You won't be exhausted at all, right??"

Ok, well, not going to the gym in the evening was understandable.  Plus, I needed better sneakers since mine wore out.  My pink axe was on its way this week, and my body was just really starting to hurt, especially in my stomach and legs.  My face and neck weren't too bad, shockingly.  I bought new Asics and made sure to only be at my grandmother's twice this week.  I started drinking more smoothies and made sure all my veggies are on hand at home.  

Yesterday, my husband and I went to the local pool, and he had me doing a bunch of improvised water aerobics.  It was really good for my legs, and we always have so much fun in the pool.  I also attempted to swim in the lap lane for the first time ever, and I actually did 3 laps!  Ok, well, I might have stopped in the middle of the third one and switched strokes while the little kids who could swim better than me stared in puzzlement, but I still did it!  I'm already showing better endurance and strength since last year.

Today, I got off my ass and went to the gym.  I like to jog/run 1.25 miles a few times a week because that's what my body is capable of doing now.  Last year, I could barely jog.  My best mile in April was 15:45, and while I know that's slow as crap for most people, it was a huge victory for me.  I knew I wouldn't be able to jump right back into my highest speed and time, but it just felt so good to get my limbs going again.  My limbs were sore (in a good way) from the swimming, but I knew it was necessary to just keep moving.  I finished the mile in 16:25, which is pretty typical for me, but I know I'll be able to do better soon.  I just have to keep moving.  

The first step is always the hardest.

But I did better than my 1.25 (and that calorie count is always about 50 off, according to my FitBit.)

Red and pouring sweat, but content.

I've decided to keep a change of clothes in the car for the night I go to my grandmother's so I can run to the gym on my way home.  I normally hate changing there, but if I go home first, I'll never make it out the door again.  I need to be doing my hard cardio at least 3 times per week (with Tuesdays being my trainer day) if I expect to keep losing.  I'm so thrilled with all the progress I've made and am so freakin close to a huge milestone.  I can't slip anymore. 

Part of the weight loss journey is encountering bumps like this, and I'm just being honest.  I know I have at least 2-3 pounds of water weight on me right now, and I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of compromising my health, and I refuse to slip backwards anymore.  I may be a sweaty wreck this summer, but that's what deodorant, showers, and clean clothes are for, right?  The other big step is getting off my butt in the morning to get on the stationary bike.  I'm gonna be reading my phone anyway, might as well do it while moving my legs!

May Progress Numbers & Wrap Up

I'm not kidding when I say that May 2014 has been one of the most overwhelming months of my life.  I don't really want to get into too many details here, but life has just gotten crazy.  C-R-A-Z-Y.

In exciting news, I got a new job!  They called the Friday before Memorial Day and wanted me to start as soon as possible, so my last day at my current job was yesterday, June 5.  I was there for 2 years and 1 month.  This new job is going to be so much more convenient in so many ways.  I hope they appreciate me a lot more than my last job did...

Anyway, yeah.  My schedule is crazy now because I have to deal with a lot of issues with my grandmother, and I often don't eat dinner till 9 pm now.  I haven't done cardio at the gym in ages because I have no time.  I feel like I live in the car (with a broken AC two years in a row that costs way too much to fix).  I actually lost weight in May....yet, I ate really badly these past two days, so I need to cleanse my body (HI WATER AND VEGGIES WITH EVERY MEAL) and get back on track.

But for now, let's focus on May!

May weight loss:  4 pounds
2014 weight loss:  13 pounds
Total weight loss:   54 pounds

WOOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!  Let's hope I didn't screw that up these past couple days. I have a lot going on this weekend anyway, so I'll probably burn that diner chicken parm dinner off....WHAT, IT WAS DELICIOUS AND I TOOK HALF OF IT HOME EVEN THOUGH I HAD UNOS DEEP DISH PIZZA LAST NIGHT.

Sigh.  Let's look at some pictures!

I never had a chance to get my husband to do the normal pictures, and I didn't feel like digging for my jeans.  But these drawstring capris have really gotten loose since 2012, and I see just how much looser the shirt is as well.  Sorry for the awkwardness, but it's the only full length mirror in the house.

Not one of my typical shots (dirty mirror and no bra? So hot), but I thought it was worth documenting (especially when comparing it to January) .  

Being able to try on a dress over my pants in the Forever 21 dressing room?  Amazing.

Of course I bought it, are you crazy??  All hail bright colors!  

Oh hey, just lost 52 POUNDS and am in my favorite denim skirt and Twin Peaks shirt!

Finally able to wear this peplum top I got last year and my stretchy black pencil skirt from 5 years ago.

Mostly selfies this month.  Isn't our bedroom wall color spectacular?

Right before my interview...I was scared to death.  Please note this is my lucky blazer, as I wore this to the interview of my last job.  

Full interview outfit.  Went a little more conservative with my nail color and covering tats just in case.  I'll see just how relaxed a place it is in that regard on Monday!  Really freakin nervous, BTW.

Clothes from the past couple years hanging off me.

I will wear these shorts to run to the supermarket or something now.  A miracle.  But running in them?  NO.

Seriously, I don't have to tilt the camera anymore, and my glasses are large on my face, and my collarbone is really starting to be revealed, and I'm just so not used to this...I'm thrilled, but it's just so weird!

You know what?  This was the motivation I needed to be active and eat well this weekend.  Here's hoping the new job isn't as sedentary as the last one.  I need a new battery for my FitBit, and we'll see what happens!  

I really would like to post more, hopefully life will start calming down in a couple weeks.  Hopefully I'll get to the 2009 Weight Watchers plateau number soon (2 more pounds), and then I'll be so freakin close to a humongous goal.  Seriously though, this is the most weight I've ever lost in my life.  I CAN DO THIS.  I want nothing more than to be able to do this!  I have to keep remembering that my health and fitness is a priority and not an afterthought.