The Never-ending Paranoia, or An Afternoon with my Grandmother

Sunday was Easter, which means family get-together.  I have barely any blood relatives left, and only my maternal grandmother lives nearby.  My husband has a big family, and his mom's side are all local.  His parents asked if we wanted to bring my grandmother and have Easter at their house with his brother and his girlfriend.  Sounds good, less driving, less leftovers to tempt me in our house.  We've gotten together for a few holidays by this point, so it's a lot more relaxed.  I was pretty much breezing through the weekend.  

Until it came time to pick out my outfit.

I'm going to admit right now that part of the stress was because I hadn't kept up on the laundry and I should have figured this out the night before.  I started trying on outfits with an hour to spare.  I asked my husband to come upstairs so he could tell me whether or not it would be an outfit my nan would judge.

(Please let me emphasize that she's actually a smart, hard working, sassy, hilarious woman with a huge heart.  This is just a bitching post.)  

Yes, this is something I always worry about anymore.  And this is another topic for another day, but she helped contribute to my adolescent weight gain by letting me eat whatever I wanted when she was watching me on the weekends.  She had a weight problem herself (it's part of the reason my SOB grandfather left her).  My grandparents made my mother paranoid about her weight and the way she looked, and she in turn passed that on to me.  I used to do the most ridiculous things in high school as I would yank on my thighs and do exercises in my room from Seventeen magazine and sit in front of the mirror in shorts so I could make sure cellulite didn't show.  As I gained weight into my 20s, I wore big ugly clothes and didn't know how to flatter my size.  When I started watching What Not to Wear, I had the revelation that clothes that fit well make you look better!  But I come from the family that insists that baggy loose clothing of the Dorothy Zbornak collection will hide your weight.

I used to panic about how I looked in front of my husband's family.  Now, I don't worry so much.  They are very athletic and slender people, and they are very supportive of my lifestyle change and weight loss.  It took 40 pounds and me opening my mouth for my grandmother to start making any positive comments.  Those comments were mostly along the line of "you're shaping up well."  I'll take it, ok?

When my fashion choices started veering into the dress territory, my grandmother suddenly had a lot of opinions.  My wedding time period was torture.  She still bitches about the dress I wore to my wedding shower.  Look, I know it wasn't the most flattering, and my spanx were obviously showing in pictures.  And yes, my ripples could not be tamed.

I get it, ok?  It really wasn't the best purchase, but I thought it was cute and reminiscent of the Julia Roberts horse racing dress in Pretty Woman.  But stop freakin' bringing it up!!  I also wore a cute red dress to the rehearsal dinner.  Once again, it was around the same length, and she kept whispering at me how she didn't like the dress and how I should not be wearing stuff like that.  Then I got all decked out in my wedding dress the next day (and I don't need to post pix, you've seen plenty if you follow this blog), and she never once told me I looked beautiful or pretty.  And she had ample time to do so.  I was never so hurt by her.  I think she said something during our first dance (yes, I did a grandmother-granddaughter dance to Here Comes the Sun as my parents have passed), but that was it.

I was more worried about my outfit this past Sunday than I was about cooking the main course.  I ended up wearing one of my new dresses (despite knowing it would be a casual atmosphere) and broke every rule of hers:

-My hair was pulled back (and it desperately needs a trim).

-My arms were showing with no cover-up.

-The dress was just above the knees.

-No makeup as always.

-Every single one of my tattoos were showing (at least she didn't notice my new one).

And I think I looked adorable.

I ended up spending most of my time in the kitchen so I could do the ham (seriously, my recipe is amazing) and so I could chat with my mother-in-law since it had been awhile.  My nan was cool with that, she's very social and adaptable.  But she managed to attack me for my physical behavior three times.

1.  I bent over to pet the dogs.  Yes, I would have squatted if anyone else was in the room, but no one else was there.  Of course I had to get snapped at with the hand motion that you can see right up my dress.

2.  She was standing in the kitchen doorway while my husband was there.  I had to bend over to open the oven and manipulate the heavy pot, and of course I had to hear about the back of my skirt again.  I gave up and just let my husband and mother-in-law handle that part.

3.  Later, I was sitting behind the end of the counter.  My mother-in-law was in front with her back to me.  I had my left leg crossed over kind of lazily.  I'm not stupid....if someone came around, I would have dropped my leg.  My grandmother magically appeared in the doorway and told me with hand motions yet again to uncross my leg.  I ended up snapping at her, and I really feel bad that my mother-in-law had to witness that (though she pretended like it wasn't even happening).  

I was spared for the rest of the night, but I was so self-conscious.  I know how to not flash the goods, despite what those wedding shower spanx pictures show (for the record, I had my legs together as tightly as possible that day.)  

All my nan kept talking about on the way home was how she's made an effort to clean up her mouth to be a better person.  She's converted to Catholicism and just had to do penance on Holy Thursday.  She emphasized how ladies just sound awful when they talk like sailors, especially the older they get.  She went on about how her mother would have been so disappointed in her.

Mind you, I have a potty mouth around those I'm comfortable with, but I also know how to NOT SPEAK LIKE A SAILOR, OK I GOT THE HINT.  

I don't need to be told how to be a "proper lady," whatever the fuck that is.

I know she's 85 and stuck in her ways and ideas about etiquette and how women should act and look.  I know I should just ignore it and brush it off my shoulders.  

But when she's pretty much the only blood family member I have left, it's kind of hard to do that.  Especially when she started sounding exactly like my mother.  Oh man am I glad it's a therapy week.  

If we have a child, I don't want to give him or her any of my body confidence issues.  I want to get healthy and fit now so I could be an active and fun mother who doesn't worry about her looks in front of her child.  But at the same time, I'm afraid that what I knew and grew up with will slip out.  I know it's a common fear.

I just wish that I didn't feel like a nervous 15 year old at 33 years old.  I wish I could just "let it go," but there's often that innate need to "please" your parent.  I hate how I feel like a defensive child when she's around.  I love her so much, but she's driving me crazy.  I want to feel comfortable and excited about my weight loss without hearing someone say, "Good, you have to do it while you're young or you'll never get rid of the stomach."  Thanks, I had no idea.  Sigh.

Anyone else have family members that constantly nitpick about the stupidest things in regards to your appearance?

The Pink Axe: Hold on to Your F@%$#n Hat.

It's been a few months, and it's quite obvious that I'm a (mostly) open book.  Let's talk about that fun topic that most women have to go through for about 40 years or so of their lives.  Men, you might want to take to cover, unless you're interested in what we really feel like for a week every month.

PERIOD
MENSTRUATION
SURFING THE CRIMSON WAVE
TOM (TIME OF MONTH) (the common term online)
PINK AXING IT (see below video)
GETTING GRAMMATICAL (as I said in college)
YOUR INDISPOSITION (as my trainer says in an adorably Victorian way)

All ladies go through it at some point in their lives.  Many of us got embarrassed when we first bought pads or tampons in our teens, but really...it's biological!  I don't profess to be an expert or anything, and I know there are many ways that women avoid their periods, get them erratically, or no longer get them whether temporarily or permanently.  We're all different, but I would venture to say that biologically born women have gone through menstruation during some point in their lives.

It kinda sucks.  You can choose your own way of dealing with it (pads, tampons, diva cup, skipping the placebo pill week and going right to the next pill pack, heating pads, Ibuprofen, Midol, chocolate, salty snacks, movies or tv that will make you really mad or sad no matter what the genre is, hiding in bed, lazing)-  all of those methods are valid.

You know what an excellent method is?

Exercise.

Before you say, F off and why the hell would I want to do that, just know that I said the same thing for 21 years.  I read all the pamphlets that encouraged gentle exercise and movement during your cramps and period, and I just smirked and tossed them aside.  Last year on a whim, I went to the gym on the first day of my period and jogged and walked on the treadmill.  I left the gym feeling less pressure on my abdomen.

I realized the meaning of my legs feeling "strained" when I was younger.  I wasn't active and I was retaining salt!  This was such an eye opener for me, and I'm a little embarrassed it took me so long to realize this.  My legs feel heavy pain when I eat too much salty food (my downfall).  Lots of water and moderate exercise takes down the bloat and really does relieve menstrual pain.  My trainer always wants to know where I'm at during the month because she adjusts my exercises (who the hell wants to spread their legs on a hip abductor machine during that time?) to fit my body's needs.

I tended to blame a lot of weight gain on the TOM when I was bloated.  But let's think about this- I PMS for a good week beforehand (especially if I'm not taking my pill on time or am eating poorly).  Then I have to go through the indisposition for 5 days.  That's HALF THE MONTH that I'm blaming stagnant weight on period bloat.  That shouldn't be!  I should only really be fluctuating for a week.  My trainer always says as long as I eat and exercise well that I will shed that water weight and then some after the period.  But I can't keep depending upon that "final shed" for my numbers!  Consistency will take down my cramps and exercise will help my blood flow, flexibility, endorphins, and numbers.

This is all great in theory and empowering, but face it, who really thinks that practically when you feel like a baby beluga is floating in your stomach and you would stab someone in the eyes for Taco Bell?

Let's watch the greatest Saturday Night Live commercial of all time, penned by Tina Fey.

My husband painted a fake axe pink.  It's chipping, but I love it.

I figured it would be more fun to see the evolution of PMS into the crimson wave in gif form.  

First comes the overwhelming sads.  And you can't explain why.

Then the frustration kicks in because you realize why you feel like ass.

The couch or bed seems like a magical kingdom when you're stuck at work.

And then the rage kicks in.

The only thing to calm down this rage is delicious food that is so very bad for you.

But then you realize mid-bite, wait- I should be responsible and healthy!  Exercise, here I come!

You expect this...

But it looks more like this...

Why would you want to move when there's an aquarium in your stomach and a uterus with a grudge?

And then it finally comes.  Finally.  It's cleansing and freeing and keeps you in touch with your body's clock, even though it's a pain in the ass.

What do we say to the one week of the month that threatens to turn us into feral animals?

And then you feel kind of badass.  Like Steven Tyler once said, "If men bled, tampons would be free."

But when it comes down to it, this would be preferable.

NSV Joy: Numbers Don't Always Matter

I've been in hiding from blogging for a little bit because I've been so down about how my scale numbers have gone up about 2 pounds.  This upsets me because this blog is for documenting the ups and downs.  I can't just show the sunny and cheery side of things.

I lost 6 pounds after the oral surgery/soft diet, but then I put on 1.2 pounds last Monday after going back to a more normal diet.  To anybody else, this would be expected and not such a huge deal.  Then I just put on another 1.6 pounds this morning after having a more indulgent weekend than usual.  That's a total of 2.8 pounds, which normally wouldn't be anything to freak about.  I understand how this weekend was a big combo of ridiculous salt and carbs intake + bloat week beginning (sorry if TMI, but I just want to be honest.)= 1.6 pounds back.  I could be down .6 pounds tomorrow for all I know.  I've tried to be very mindful today and just rode the stationary bike for 45 minutes while watching My 600 Pound Life.  Yeah, talk about a motivational tool!  

What I have to keep remembering is that these ups and downs happen.  I just get so hard on myself when I'm not making continual progress, but that's also why I have MyFitnessPal and my trainer to keep me accountable.  However, I've been seeing really good progress elsewhere, and while I'm thrilled, it also frustrates me even more when I don't see numbers budge.

Here are a list of the significant NSVs (Non Scale Victories) I've seen over the last month:

1. I just did push-ups.  I just did actual unassisted push-ups with my husband as a witness.  He says I can go down lower, and I did for only one or two, but I don't care!!!  My left arm has never bent for a push-up in my whole life.  It just trembled and refused to move.  I used to do push-ups on my knees in school and now I do it on the exercise ball.  But I realized that my ball at home is so low to the floor, and if I was doing really good push-ups on that...why not try it for real?  And I succeeded.  Holy crap, you guys.  LIFELONG GOAL ACHIEVED!

2. I can see my toes.  Now granted, I can't tell you if there's a full pedi going on, but I can see that toes exist.  I suck in my stomach and it turns pretty flat.  I push it out all the way, and I look pregnant, but I can still see my toes.  Hello, old friends.  I now wear ribbed fitted shirts that I haven't worn in years, even ones with light horizontal stripes.  I can layer t-shirts over them like it's the 1990s.

3. I can turn around to my left and see the beginning of my shoulder blade tattoo.  It's just the one top purple star (I'm not a contortionist), but my back and shoulder fat has really minimized.

4. The 7 dollar corduroys I got at the thrift store last month?  I can already yank them off without having to unbutton them.  What. UP.

5. My husband can wrap his arms all the way around me.  He doesn't become a floating head when he stands behind me and holds me.  There is nothing more humiliating for me than being able to completely obscure the person I love.

Ok, so I ended this with sunshine and lollipops, but I think it's good to remember how much progress I've made despite these pesky 2.8 pounds.

"It's alright, I'm alright, just dance, gonna be ok..."

Last Friday, I posted about my experiences with Just Dance 3 and how I have no rhythm at all.  I did a session of Just Dance 2 to the amusement of my husband on Wednesday (hey, my "Crazy In Love" Beyonce moves are amazing), and he remarked on how I was nowhere near as sweaty or out of breath like I once was.  I felt good and decided that I should integrate dance into my week more.  Zumba and Amazon Prime streaming were recommended by friends, and while I'm definitely going to look into those, I stumbled upon my unopened Gold's Gym Wii Dance Workout.

I completely forgot that I got this for free by using debit card points!  What a fun discovery!  I popped it in the Wii and skipped the tutorials (as per usual, I'd rather jump in and flail and get a cardio burn while figuring things out along the way.)  Well, I did try a 2 minute salsa tutorial....they have Salsa, Samba, Cumbia, Reggaeton, and Merengue styles.  

Yeah.  This is me when I first try to move my hips and follow dance steps:

Then I get focused and ready to take on those cross-turn-cross-turn-step-2-whatever.

While I envision of becoming this....

I really look more like this...

I try to keep my footwork moving so I can get a burn going, but I look absolutely ridiculous.  I will never judge the Dancing With the Stars contestants so harshly again because I have a really hard time keeping up with music and steps and leading with the wrong foot.  It was really frustrating to keep up with the "trainer" for the first few songs, and I was not a happy camper.  By the time I got to "Smooth," I realized that there was a lot of well-guided repetition and that I wasn't doing horribly.  Plus, I was really working up a sweat.

This is my trainer:

And this is an example of what the dance workouts look like.

I did all the beginner songs:  

"Stronger"- Britney Spears

"Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)"- C&C Music Factory

"Waiting for Tonight"- Jennifer Lopez

"Smooth"- Santana & Rob Thomas

"Just Dance"- Lady Gaga

A Latin techno song (I can't remember the name, and Google is not being helpful)

I was so focused on the dancing that I didn't realize there were other activities to play on there like cardio boxing!  Yeah, I did the "Good Vibrations" beginner boxing.  I don't turn down an opportunity to move while Marky Mark attempts to rap.  It made me miss the cardio kickboxing class I took with a friend 4 years ago, so I hope to integrate more of this after the dancing.

What I really like about the game is how they give you a running total of your calorie burn.  They also let you know the food equivalent of your calorie burn, and that's a good motivation to keep dancing.  I compared it to my Fitbit and my results were within 8 calories!

I'm still going to compare my Fitbit, but I am really impressed with the Gold's Gym Dance accuracy!

(P.S., how cute is my new Fitbit cover? It's so incredibly 1980s.  And look, it's happy with my cardio!)

It's interesting that the calorie burn between Gold's Gym Dance and Just Dance are nearly identical, yet I felt more exertion during Gold's Gym Dance.  I think the difference is that Just Dance doesn't have someone telling you what to do, and it feels more like a fun party game where you might pick up a few sweet moves.(and a bunch of lame ones!) Gold's Gym Dance has vocal guidance and a better guide for which foot to lead with and the upcoming moves.  It encourages you to really move your hips and get your arms to flow while you do "basic" footwork.  I felt like I was actually toning while dancing, and that got my heart rate up and my sweat dripping.  

I totally had to step outside in the freezing air with water...maybe it wasn't the smartest idea to dance in a light sweater.

I'm not going to stop Just Dance, but I'm definitely going to alternate the games more.  Plus, Gold's Gym Dance gets me doing a couple old school moves I was always good at. (and can't name, dammit!)  This will also hold me until I can get the Just Dance with a calorie burn on the screen, and since both games are made by the same company, now I know that number will be accurate!

After all that googling for old school moves, I have to go teach myself the Roger Rabbit now...I couldn't do it in '92, so let's see if I can do it at 33!