The Never-ending Paranoia, or An Afternoon with my Grandmother

Sunday was Easter, which means family get-together.  I have barely any blood relatives left, and only my maternal grandmother lives nearby.  My husband has a big family, and his mom's side are all local.  His parents asked if we wanted to bring my grandmother and have Easter at their house with his brother and his girlfriend.  Sounds good, less driving, less leftovers to tempt me in our house.  We've gotten together for a few holidays by this point, so it's a lot more relaxed.  I was pretty much breezing through the weekend.  

Until it came time to pick out my outfit.

I'm going to admit right now that part of the stress was because I hadn't kept up on the laundry and I should have figured this out the night before.  I started trying on outfits with an hour to spare.  I asked my husband to come upstairs so he could tell me whether or not it would be an outfit my nan would judge.

(Please let me emphasize that she's actually a smart, hard working, sassy, hilarious woman with a huge heart.  This is just a bitching post.)  

Yes, this is something I always worry about anymore.  And this is another topic for another day, but she helped contribute to my adolescent weight gain by letting me eat whatever I wanted when she was watching me on the weekends.  She had a weight problem herself (it's part of the reason my SOB grandfather left her).  My grandparents made my mother paranoid about her weight and the way she looked, and she in turn passed that on to me.  I used to do the most ridiculous things in high school as I would yank on my thighs and do exercises in my room from Seventeen magazine and sit in front of the mirror in shorts so I could make sure cellulite didn't show.  As I gained weight into my 20s, I wore big ugly clothes and didn't know how to flatter my size.  When I started watching What Not to Wear, I had the revelation that clothes that fit well make you look better!  But I come from the family that insists that baggy loose clothing of the Dorothy Zbornak collection will hide your weight.

I used to panic about how I looked in front of my husband's family.  Now, I don't worry so much.  They are very athletic and slender people, and they are very supportive of my lifestyle change and weight loss.  It took 40 pounds and me opening my mouth for my grandmother to start making any positive comments.  Those comments were mostly along the line of "you're shaping up well."  I'll take it, ok?

When my fashion choices started veering into the dress territory, my grandmother suddenly had a lot of opinions.  My wedding time period was torture.  She still bitches about the dress I wore to my wedding shower.  Look, I know it wasn't the most flattering, and my spanx were obviously showing in pictures.  And yes, my ripples could not be tamed.

I get it, ok?  It really wasn't the best purchase, but I thought it was cute and reminiscent of the Julia Roberts horse racing dress in Pretty Woman.  But stop freakin' bringing it up!!  I also wore a cute red dress to the rehearsal dinner.  Once again, it was around the same length, and she kept whispering at me how she didn't like the dress and how I should not be wearing stuff like that.  Then I got all decked out in my wedding dress the next day (and I don't need to post pix, you've seen plenty if you follow this blog), and she never once told me I looked beautiful or pretty.  And she had ample time to do so.  I was never so hurt by her.  I think she said something during our first dance (yes, I did a grandmother-granddaughter dance to Here Comes the Sun as my parents have passed), but that was it.

I was more worried about my outfit this past Sunday than I was about cooking the main course.  I ended up wearing one of my new dresses (despite knowing it would be a casual atmosphere) and broke every rule of hers:

-My hair was pulled back (and it desperately needs a trim).

-My arms were showing with no cover-up.

-The dress was just above the knees.

-No makeup as always.

-Every single one of my tattoos were showing (at least she didn't notice my new one).

And I think I looked adorable.

I ended up spending most of my time in the kitchen so I could do the ham (seriously, my recipe is amazing) and so I could chat with my mother-in-law since it had been awhile.  My nan was cool with that, she's very social and adaptable.  But she managed to attack me for my physical behavior three times.

1.  I bent over to pet the dogs.  Yes, I would have squatted if anyone else was in the room, but no one else was there.  Of course I had to get snapped at with the hand motion that you can see right up my dress.

2.  She was standing in the kitchen doorway while my husband was there.  I had to bend over to open the oven and manipulate the heavy pot, and of course I had to hear about the back of my skirt again.  I gave up and just let my husband and mother-in-law handle that part.

3.  Later, I was sitting behind the end of the counter.  My mother-in-law was in front with her back to me.  I had my left leg crossed over kind of lazily.  I'm not stupid....if someone came around, I would have dropped my leg.  My grandmother magically appeared in the doorway and told me with hand motions yet again to uncross my leg.  I ended up snapping at her, and I really feel bad that my mother-in-law had to witness that (though she pretended like it wasn't even happening).  

I was spared for the rest of the night, but I was so self-conscious.  I know how to not flash the goods, despite what those wedding shower spanx pictures show (for the record, I had my legs together as tightly as possible that day.)  

All my nan kept talking about on the way home was how she's made an effort to clean up her mouth to be a better person.  She's converted to Catholicism and just had to do penance on Holy Thursday.  She emphasized how ladies just sound awful when they talk like sailors, especially the older they get.  She went on about how her mother would have been so disappointed in her.

Mind you, I have a potty mouth around those I'm comfortable with, but I also know how to NOT SPEAK LIKE A SAILOR, OK I GOT THE HINT.  

I don't need to be told how to be a "proper lady," whatever the fuck that is.

I know she's 85 and stuck in her ways and ideas about etiquette and how women should act and look.  I know I should just ignore it and brush it off my shoulders.  

But when she's pretty much the only blood family member I have left, it's kind of hard to do that.  Especially when she started sounding exactly like my mother.  Oh man am I glad it's a therapy week.  

If we have a child, I don't want to give him or her any of my body confidence issues.  I want to get healthy and fit now so I could be an active and fun mother who doesn't worry about her looks in front of her child.  But at the same time, I'm afraid that what I knew and grew up with will slip out.  I know it's a common fear.

I just wish that I didn't feel like a nervous 15 year old at 33 years old.  I wish I could just "let it go," but there's often that innate need to "please" your parent.  I hate how I feel like a defensive child when she's around.  I love her so much, but she's driving me crazy.  I want to feel comfortable and excited about my weight loss without hearing someone say, "Good, you have to do it while you're young or you'll never get rid of the stomach."  Thanks, I had no idea.  Sigh.

Anyone else have family members that constantly nitpick about the stupidest things in regards to your appearance?

27 Dresses, or 80s STYLE MONTAGE!

I always used to joke that I was turning into Katherine Heigl's character in the movie 27 Dresses.  I'd been in 4 weddings before my own, and then I was a bridesmaid 2 months after that.

Do we really need an excuse to gaze upon James Marsden?  No, no we do not.

I got lucky though, as my brides had good taste (and I'd like to think I was kind to my ladies with their choice of holly green short dresses).  Funny enough, I had the same style dress for the first two weddings, just in different colors.  Ha!  It always puzzled me why women would purposely have ugly bridesmaid dresses.  You're the bride, you're not going to be upstaged by anybody!  And then you'll have orange meringue poofs in your pictures forever!

Now that I'm down so many inches, I was curious about how I fit into these dresses again, including my own wedding dress!  I was also inspired by my friend B who just shared an amazing "after" picture in an old bridesmaid's dress.  I'm about the same weight that I was for the 2009 dresses, but my body is shaped differently.  This was a very interesting experiment!  I also found my old prom dresses, but that experiment won't be for a year or two.

My husband put on some 80s training montage music and snapped a bunch of pictures as I twirled and pouted and flounced with no spanx, messy hair and obvious bra straps.  I'm obviously getting more comfortable in my own skin!

Wedding Number 1:  April 28, 2007

Then:

Now:

I actually kinda love this now!!  I didn't have sass the first time.

Wedding Number 2:  October 4, 2009

Then:

Now:

This one was a bit tighter, but I was also 15 pounds smaller then.  Still, I felt much more confident with my body this time.

Wedding Number 3: October 31, 2009

Then:

Now:

Lucky that I just wore this a few weeks ago!  The waist is so much better now, which is funny because this was a couple weeks after the last wedding.  (It was a Halloween themed wedding in case that wasn't perfectly obvious.)

Wedding Number 4:  October 10, 2010

Then:

Now:

My boobs were a lot bigger then, but my belly's a lot smaller now.  I was 20-22 lbs heavier at that wedding.

Wedding 5:  July 22, 2012

Then:

Now:

Holy. Shit.  That was 48 pounds ago.  That dress is falling right off me.  AMAZING.

MY WEDDING!!  April 28, 2012

Then:

Now:

The wedding was 41 pounds ago.  Now the petticoat is falling off and the dress is so loose that it can be scooched all around.  Craziness.  What a feeling.

I treasure the memories and pictures with my friends and loved ones and was honored to be a part of their respective special days. I love my own wedding pictures and am finally getting around to making the album. But it truly feels so good to know that I'm on my way to getting into that blazing hot senior prom dress!

Revelations and Confidence

I've learned a lot about myself over the past few days.  I've done some very personal writing, I've gone on a job interview, and I've eaten reasonably within my calories, even during super bloat week.

The personal writing that I shared among a limited audience inspired friends to come share some personal and raw things with me.  It feels good to know that people feel comfortable enough to come talk to me about things of that nature.  I felt terrible to know that there are so many things that we as humans suffer in silence, and that's a big reason why I'm such an open book with my blogging.  

I was offered the job, but I turned it down.  When I found out what the position was in this interview, I started getting very stressed to the point that my vertigo came back in waves yesterday.  I've had a bit here and there today as well.  Thank goodness for the meds.  They called and offered the position to me this morning.  Though I'm not having the easiest time at my current job, this other job was way too stressful and the little bit of extra money I would have made probably would have gone straight to extra therapy after getting screamed at all day by customers in a micromanaged environment.  I learned what my stress limit is.  While things are far from perfect right now, it's a paycheck with benefits.  I can find a position more suited to me.  It will just take perseverance and work which I am willing to do.  I learned I don't just have to "jump" and be miserable.  If I wasn't employed, I would have taken it, but right now I am lucky enough to be more choosy.

The scale numbers are creeping slowly back to the 48 pound mark.  I just have to watch my sodium intake.  However, my strength is really developing, and I'm doing things I never imagined possible.  I had my husband take this video a week ago at the gym.  

It may be 5 pull-ups that aren't especially strong, but I'm still doing them.  On Tuesday, I did 3 reps of 5.  That was astonishing.  I just bought clothes at Forever 21.  I dressed up in my Mrs Lovett costume this past weekend that I had originally worn when I was 15 pounds smaller (and a lot bulkier in my mid-section).  

It is amazing to see the changes happening to my body, and I'm so proud.

I am capable of so much.  I don't have to settle for second best or just give up if I don't succeed the first time out.  I can take control of my life.  I CAN DO THIS.