June Progress Numbers & Wrap Up

Not happy with June.  As I elaborated in my last post, it's been very stressful in my life.  I went backwards a bit and haven't stepped on the scale in just over a week.  So let's just get to it.

Weight:  + 2
2014 Weight loss: 11 pounds
Weight loss:  52 pounds

Yeah, so I'm upset that this extra 2 lbs has been hanging onto my stomach.  My face, legs, and feet are fine, but my stomach is not.  That picture is also helpful to see that I desperately need a bra fitting.  My back is actually rather flat, which is something my trainer is extremely pleased about.  My butt width has shrunk.  My shoulder and cape area is good.  But that damn stomach...ugh.

It's been harder this year.  Once you hit a big loss, it gets really hard to lose even more.  As I was discussing with my husband today, I'm terrified of going back to 2009-2010 when I gained back the Weight Watchers loss.  Granted, I have a bigger loss now and a better body transformation...but with the way I've been making some shitty choices, and the way my stomach feels right now...I'm scared, ok?  I refuse to go backwards.  This has to just be a temporary bump.

While I'm on the topic, I have to thank my husband for being the most supportive, loving, and motivating person I know.  Sure, we've fought about some things (he's kind of black and white with his viewpoint), but he ultimately cares about my health, my well being, my mental state and stress level, and he does everything he can for me.  I'm seriously lucky.  I don't know if I could be doing this without him.  My best friends have been amazing, and all the wonderful people I know personally and online that have been supporting me are fantastic.  I have a support system everywhere I look.  Not many people can say that, and I truly appreciate it.  But to have someone who knows me so intimately and who is in love with me no matter what size I am...yeah, I am grateful every day to have married such a wonderful man.

You can all stop dry heaving now!  I'm going to move on to pictures.

One of my last days at the office.

I made sure to look my best that last week.

2nd to last ugly bathroom selfie...

Last day, last ugly bathroom selfie! 

Love my elephant dress, but it really is best with tights, so I'm saving it for the fall.

Flipping a shit during NPH's performance of Sugar Daddy during the Tony's.  Hedwig and the Angry Inch is my lifeline.  The one time I wish my husband videoed me!

This tank top is getting downright obscene with its bagginess.  It's actually quite 80s now, I should wear a cute neon bra underneath it or something.

New work bathroom selfie!!  Woooo!  Check out the brightness, cleanliness, and privacy!  Oh, and my Twin Peaks skirt was falling off me when I didn't have it folded over.

Making it back to the gym...need to keep freakin' doing this.

Of course my grandmother had to comment on how horizontal stripes make you look wider.  SIGH.  I like the shirt (we got a nice Old Navy sale haul), so WHATEVER.

So, yeah.  I don't look terrible, and a lot of my summer clothes are hanging, but I don't feel good, and I could look much better.  Plain and simple.  I've had a month to get adjusted to this job.  No more excuses.  I have new sneakers.

No more excuses.  I have pretty support for my feet.

I could really use some extra support this month, to be honest.  I hate asking like that, but I just need to be held accountable.  I had fun food.  My trainer does not berate me.  She just says, "Ok, and do you feel a difference now that you had that and no veggies?"  My affirmation makes her happy because I'm able to acknowledge that my body needs healthy food and exercise with moderate treats. I'm happy that I'm not in denial over this fact as well.  That's definitely an improvement over last year.

Getting Back on Track

This post is not really meant to be an excuse for how terrible my habits have been since mid-May.  It's really meant to serve more as a clarifying explanation with a bit of vague thrown in for good measure.  Hey, I can't be a total open book, right?

So, I've alluded that crap has been going on in my life right now and that I have been completely thrown off my routine.  As I mentioned before, I got a new job (WOOOO!), but I'm still adjusting to lunch hours and the way the break room is run and all.  It sounds stupid, but when you go from an office of 10 to a company of at least 100, you start thinking twice about lunches that need to be microwaved for more than a minute or two.  Plus, we're set further back in a complex that's not near many good options.  It would take a good 5-10 minutes just to get to the not-so-hot options.  Times like these, I miss being close to Wegmans and Trader Joe's and Panera.  However, it's forcing me to think about what I'm packing for the week, and that's a good thing.  It should keep me on a good weight loss and not running for the vending machines.  But, as with all things in life, it takes adjusting.

The stressful bits of my life right now involve having to sell my grandmother's place and make sure she gets into an assisted living facility.  It's only been a month and a half since the decision was made, and we've gotten a ton done, but it's so hard to see that progress since she was a bit of a hoarder.  It's very common among the Depression-era baby demographic.  When I was at my old job, I was driving 90 minutes from work to get to her house...in my car that has no air conditioning for the second year in a row because it will cost nearly $2000 to fix.  At my current job, it only takes me 25-30 minutes to get there, which is even better than coming from my house.  That has certainly helped my stress level.

When I was driving 90 minutes to get there, I would just eat a protein bar.  I didn't want to waste time eating dinner there when I could be working, and I didn't want to eat fast food in the car.  So I'd get there around 6:30 and leave towards 9, go home, and eat dinner late.  Now I get there around 5:30, leave at 7, and get home before 8.  I've decided to do this once a week beginning in 2 weeks since it's really taken over my life, and I'm just about done with working on her place.

Think about it.  You go right from work with no dinner to work on a packed condo and then drive 45 minutes home a couple hours later with no air conditioning.  This was me just thinking about going to the gym.

"But Chris," you say, "It will give you such energy and keep you healthy!"

"Don't you think you should put that salty food down?  If you're not exercising, you may puff up..."

"You could exercise in the morning, you know, since you go to bed later and wake up earlier?  You won't be exhausted at all, right??"

Ok, well, not going to the gym in the evening was understandable.  Plus, I needed better sneakers since mine wore out.  My pink axe was on its way this week, and my body was just really starting to hurt, especially in my stomach and legs.  My face and neck weren't too bad, shockingly.  I bought new Asics and made sure to only be at my grandmother's twice this week.  I started drinking more smoothies and made sure all my veggies are on hand at home.  

Yesterday, my husband and I went to the local pool, and he had me doing a bunch of improvised water aerobics.  It was really good for my legs, and we always have so much fun in the pool.  I also attempted to swim in the lap lane for the first time ever, and I actually did 3 laps!  Ok, well, I might have stopped in the middle of the third one and switched strokes while the little kids who could swim better than me stared in puzzlement, but I still did it!  I'm already showing better endurance and strength since last year.

Today, I got off my ass and went to the gym.  I like to jog/run 1.25 miles a few times a week because that's what my body is capable of doing now.  Last year, I could barely jog.  My best mile in April was 15:45, and while I know that's slow as crap for most people, it was a huge victory for me.  I knew I wouldn't be able to jump right back into my highest speed and time, but it just felt so good to get my limbs going again.  My limbs were sore (in a good way) from the swimming, but I knew it was necessary to just keep moving.  I finished the mile in 16:25, which is pretty typical for me, but I know I'll be able to do better soon.  I just have to keep moving.  

The first step is always the hardest.

But I did better than my 1.25 (and that calorie count is always about 50 off, according to my FitBit.)

Red and pouring sweat, but content.

I've decided to keep a change of clothes in the car for the night I go to my grandmother's so I can run to the gym on my way home.  I normally hate changing there, but if I go home first, I'll never make it out the door again.  I need to be doing my hard cardio at least 3 times per week (with Tuesdays being my trainer day) if I expect to keep losing.  I'm so thrilled with all the progress I've made and am so freakin close to a huge milestone.  I can't slip anymore. 

Part of the weight loss journey is encountering bumps like this, and I'm just being honest.  I know I have at least 2-3 pounds of water weight on me right now, and I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of compromising my health, and I refuse to slip backwards anymore.  I may be a sweaty wreck this summer, but that's what deodorant, showers, and clean clothes are for, right?  The other big step is getting off my butt in the morning to get on the stationary bike.  I'm gonna be reading my phone anyway, might as well do it while moving my legs!

Social Media Update!

So, I'm going viral you guys.

Haha, nah, not even close, but I AM thrilled that this blog has over 4000 hits since January! I'm giving myself a huge pat on the back and high five for that one! 

I've started a Facebook page for this blog:

http://www.facebook.com/sweatersandsmoothies 

Maybe I'll branch out into a Twitter or Instagram eventually, we'll see how it goes. For now, Facebook is excellent for following my blog updates and random pix/observations and discussions. I'm pretty comprehensive in my blogging, but there are always random pix and thoughts that don't make it in there.

I really want to make it an interactive page with judgment free discussion, so PLEASE like and share the page if you're on FB. If you know of any other pages out there that are awesome to follow, please let me know. I've been extremely overwhelmed and slacking on the cardio since May, and I'm trying to get back on the loss train as fast as I can.

Also, since Facebook has weird algorithms for the newsfeed, if you want to lurk and not be active, you have to choose the option "get notifications" when you like the page.

Thanks everyone! I appreciate the support and motivation more than you'll ever know.

And now, I leave you with this.

"I never understood you then, and I guess I never will"

June 23 would have been my father's 62nd birthday.  He died when he was 38 years old.

He didn't die in a tragic accident, he didn't have a long suffering disease.  He died of a heart attack while jogging in the middle of Philadelphia.

He died of a heart attack at 38 years old.

Now, before I proceed, you have to know that he was a psychotic and abusive piece of shit.  If anything, my MS afflicted mother and my 10-year-old self were lucky that this happened.  I have a picture heavy post on another blog explaining my childhood.  Domestic violence trigger warning- please don't read if you think it's going to upset you.

He was a very short and stocky man who yo-yo dieted and exercised.  He was a weightlifter and could lift a great deal, but he still packed away the dessert.  He chain smoked and took drugs.  He didn't even make it to middle age.

We didn't know he was dead for a month since he was a John Doe.  He and my mother were separated, and she thought (and hoped) he had skipped town.  Nope.  He was in a Philly morgue for just over a month in 1991 until they were able to track us down.

I learned early that we had to hide treats so he wouldn't take them from us or yell at us for eating them.  He told me he wouldn't love me if I became hugely fat.  I was taller in elementary school and a bit chubby.  Everything he did to us made me confused and scared and in desperate need of comfort.  So I ate those hidden Twix bars when my mom was in the shower, and I devoured Cheetos and Yoo-Hoo and tons of pasta when staying at my grandmother's.  I knew it was good that he was no longer around, but I was also upset because I didn't have a father who loved me or who gave a shit about being there for me.

I had a father who selfishly and stupidly wasted his life.

I'm going to be 34 this year.  My magic number is 38.  I have to make it past 38.  My mother died at 57, but she had progressive chronic Multiple Sclerosis; she was healthy as a horse aside from the neurological issues.
I can't be my father.  I unfortunately inherited genes from him, but my therapist told me to focus on the positive.  I have a lot of strength and I'm building my endurance.  That's the most positive physical trait we share.  I'm grateful that I inherited my mother's face and his coloring so I don't have to see him in the mirror.  Ok, I do have his flashing dark eyes when I'm upset, but I'm trying to breathe and think before I act.

I want to live a long life with my husband.  I want to entertain the notion of having a kid in the future.  I want to be there for my family and be the best person I can be.  Even when I'm having a bad month (like this one!), I know that I can get back on the horse and keep going.  I'm so close to obtaining major goals.  What did he do?  People say the only good thing he did was make me.  I'd have to agree with them.

I will jog, but I will not become obsessive.
I will eat protein, but I will not eat 6 eggs per day.
I will build strength, but I will not try to be a jacked up bodybuilder.
I will eat treats when I want, but in moderation.
I will continue to stay away from cigarettes and drugs and only have a drink socially.
I will live a long healthy life with my husband and learn how to be the best person I can be, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

May Progress Numbers & Wrap Up

I'm not kidding when I say that May 2014 has been one of the most overwhelming months of my life.  I don't really want to get into too many details here, but life has just gotten crazy.  C-R-A-Z-Y.

In exciting news, I got a new job!  They called the Friday before Memorial Day and wanted me to start as soon as possible, so my last day at my current job was yesterday, June 5.  I was there for 2 years and 1 month.  This new job is going to be so much more convenient in so many ways.  I hope they appreciate me a lot more than my last job did...

Anyway, yeah.  My schedule is crazy now because I have to deal with a lot of issues with my grandmother, and I often don't eat dinner till 9 pm now.  I haven't done cardio at the gym in ages because I have no time.  I feel like I live in the car (with a broken AC two years in a row that costs way too much to fix).  I actually lost weight in May....yet, I ate really badly these past two days, so I need to cleanse my body (HI WATER AND VEGGIES WITH EVERY MEAL) and get back on track.

But for now, let's focus on May!

May weight loss:  4 pounds
2014 weight loss:  13 pounds
Total weight loss:   54 pounds

WOOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!  Let's hope I didn't screw that up these past couple days. I have a lot going on this weekend anyway, so I'll probably burn that diner chicken parm dinner off....WHAT, IT WAS DELICIOUS AND I TOOK HALF OF IT HOME EVEN THOUGH I HAD UNOS DEEP DISH PIZZA LAST NIGHT.

Sigh.  Let's look at some pictures!

I never had a chance to get my husband to do the normal pictures, and I didn't feel like digging for my jeans.  But these drawstring capris have really gotten loose since 2012, and I see just how much looser the shirt is as well.  Sorry for the awkwardness, but it's the only full length mirror in the house.

Not one of my typical shots (dirty mirror and no bra? So hot), but I thought it was worth documenting (especially when comparing it to January) .  

Being able to try on a dress over my pants in the Forever 21 dressing room?  Amazing.

Of course I bought it, are you crazy??  All hail bright colors!  

Oh hey, just lost 52 POUNDS and am in my favorite denim skirt and Twin Peaks shirt!

Finally able to wear this peplum top I got last year and my stretchy black pencil skirt from 5 years ago.

Mostly selfies this month.  Isn't our bedroom wall color spectacular?

Right before my interview...I was scared to death.  Please note this is my lucky blazer, as I wore this to the interview of my last job.  

Full interview outfit.  Went a little more conservative with my nail color and covering tats just in case.  I'll see just how relaxed a place it is in that regard on Monday!  Really freakin nervous, BTW.

Clothes from the past couple years hanging off me.

I will wear these shorts to run to the supermarket or something now.  A miracle.  But running in them?  NO.

Seriously, I don't have to tilt the camera anymore, and my glasses are large on my face, and my collarbone is really starting to be revealed, and I'm just so not used to this...I'm thrilled, but it's just so weird!

You know what?  This was the motivation I needed to be active and eat well this weekend.  Here's hoping the new job isn't as sedentary as the last one.  I need a new battery for my FitBit, and we'll see what happens!  

I really would like to post more, hopefully life will start calming down in a couple weeks.  Hopefully I'll get to the 2009 Weight Watchers plateau number soon (2 more pounds), and then I'll be so freakin close to a humongous goal.  Seriously though, this is the most weight I've ever lost in my life.  I CAN DO THIS.  I want nothing more than to be able to do this!  I have to keep remembering that my health and fitness is a priority and not an afterthought.  

Stress Eating: Then and Now

I really don't feel like going into it, but I'm going through the second most stressful time period of my adult life right now.  Normally when I feel stress, I give in to comfort eating.  And ohhhh the comfort foods in my life...these are the foods I can't really have often otherwise I will turn into a ravenous monster and nom them all down.  Let's list them so they're just out there in the open:

-Fried chicken.  None of that breaded crap, FRIED.
-Stromboli.  You give me anything smothered with mozzarella and tomato sauce, and I'm a goner
-Chicken Parmesan.  The unhealthy versions that are fried and with pasta.
-Cheese fries.  They're oh so terrible and oh so delicious.
-Pastry.  Cake, donuts, cinnamon buns, my cupcakes....evil.
-Pasta.  I could live on pasta with any kind of sauce or veggie or meat.  Unfortunately, it lives on my ass.
-Herrs Cheese Curls.  I will eat three servings in a blink of an eye, and that's the calorie equivalent of a meal.
-Soft Pretzels.  Worst thing in the world for me to eat.  Why are they so delicious?  So Philly.

These are my special treats.  I don't deny myself, but I REALLY have to watch myself around them.

I have been eating weirdly these past couple weeks.  I have been trying to integrate my every-meal-vegetable, but I've often been skipping meals.  Then I've been making up for it calorie-wise in one huge dinner.  So while my caloric numbers aren't tipping too terribly, I've been balancing the food terribly.  And while the calories may be within range, the fat hasn't been.  I'm trying to look at the whole picture here, and I'm trying to cleanse myself this week.  I'm going to be eating dinner at really strange late hours, but I have to make them light meals with a good post-work snack.

I was so proud of myself for not giving in to stress and even not wanting to eat.  But then, of course, it catches up.  And I didn't make the best decision for both dinners this weekend....

KFC.  Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I don't even like it that much, but it's fried chicken.  My stomach is still begging for mercy and trying to expunge everything.  Yet, I had it 2 days in a row.  Allow me to quote the movie So I Married An Axe Murderer regarding the love/hate relationship I have with Colonel Sanders.

  (I made that myself...I'm so proud)

It was good.  Not great.  I've had better.  I had a few potato wedges and tons of chicken.  They also have a deal where they give you a free chocolate or lemon pound cake if you get the 10+ piece bucket.  Yeah, so I also had half a slice each night.  It wasn't that great.  If my husband won't touch it, I'm throwing it out.

Now my body is retaining salt.  If I could prick a hole in my body and let all that retention shoot out, I so would.  Did I mention I had a Mountain Dew and barely drank water?  Add that brominated vegetable oil to the above list....

I just want to scream.  I know backsliding is inevitable, but how did I think that was a good idea for 2 days?!  I've been physically active those two days, but STILL!  

I need to make a plan.  I need to keep my body healthy during this stressful time period otherwise I'm going to destroy my health and sanity in so many ways.

My weight gain came flying back when my mother died in December 2010.  I'm not going to let this current stress affect me the same way.  I can't.  I've come too far and worked too hard and feel too good.  I need emotional support around me.  My husband and best friends are amazing, but I really do need to know that I can get through this extremely rough patch without sabotaging myself.  If you could shoot me a positive vibe right now, that would be extremely lovely.

Thanks everyone for reading, as always.  

April Progress and Wrap Up: Milestones!

This April has been pretty awesome.  The numbers haven't exactly been stellar, but that all changed as soon as the month ended...

On May 1, 2014, I officially was DOWN 50 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Oh joy, oh rapture!!!!!!  

I have never reached that number in my life.  And as my coworker pointed out, I'm more than halfway to my first major goal.  I'm only 44 pounds away now.  I will still be at an overweight number at that goal, but I'll be able to reevaluate my goals and focus completely on health, fitness, and toning, rather than numbers.  

Seriously, just hitting Onederland is going to be the most exciting day ever.  So close!!  In just 6 pounds, I will be at the number I plateaued at during my Weight Watchers time.  Basically, in 7 pounds, the game will be completely changed.  I already know I can do this.  

I'm nervous that this was water weight that will come back on, but I'm faithfully following what my trainer is advising me in terms of diet.  I've been having a rough week (as you will see in my next pictures), so I haven't been big on exercise.  However, we walked 10 miles in NYC last weekend on our anniversary, and I even ran with luggage in heels at one point.  So, yeah, I'd say I'm definitely getting better.

On that note, I reached another goal:  I can now do a 15:41 minute mile!!  Sounds slow as crap, I know, but I've been over 16 minutes for a year now.  With the proper playlist encouraging me, my speed increased and my body is getting used to this change.  I'm only able to run (RUN!) at the 4.2 mph speed for about 5 minutes, but it's a start.  I remember when I couldn't even jog for more than 5 minutes last year.  I'm monitoring my heart rate while I do this since my father died of a heart attack while jogging at 38 years old, and I refuse to go down that path.  Sure, I'm not a smoker, drug addict, or yo-yo dieter, but I still have those genetics, and I'm not going to over stress my body.

Numbers!

April weight loss:  about 1 pound

Total weight loss:  49 pounds

Nothing exciting yet...I think I start really accomplishing number goals when the weather gets warmer.  It's interesting.  

Pictures!

Confused about the pink axe?  Refer to my recent post.  It's been a doozy of a week.  (and seriously, you can skip most of the post and go right to the gifs, haha.)

Those jeans are being yanked on and off without having to undo the button or zipper.  I can't wait till they become my Bill Hader as Clint Eastwood pants.

"I've had it up to here!"

Some more pictures from over the month...

I can wear strapless from Old Navy!  YAY!

I posted this pic on Twitter and got the Stacy London approval.  PROOF:

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR, right??

I thought I was getting sick after the wedding since my husband had the flu.  Turned out it was massive allergies, and I pumped my body full of meds for nothing.  BUT...I had to be healthy because I was about to get my brand new tattoo!

Last look at my bare left leg.

Right after he finished!  That black smudge is the ink, as he was still cleaning up.

My leg kinda swelled for awhile, but it was just ambushed with needles!  These are lyrics from the song Wicked Little Town (reprise) in the show Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  This show owns me, even moreso after having the pleasure of watching Neil Patrick Harris perform the 10 pm show on Broadway on 4/26.  My god.  I feel so optimistic.  It was a damn religious experience, but that's for a different blog.

The first time I broke a 16 minute mile.  I was in shock and beet red.

After Captain America...that t-shirt is officially loose, and I can wear my favorite denim miniskirt again.  Wish I had a better mirror other than the Regal Cinema, but I'm sure I'll be in that skirt all summer...

Trying to be positive.  Also really looking forward to a haircut (which I got right before the next pix).

Kicking off our wonderful 2nd anniversary weekend in NYC.  I'm still not used to seeing extra ink on my body.  Anyway, the dress is from Forever 21, aka my new favorite place to shop.  The texture on it is hard to read in the picture, but it's really a fabulous subtle design.

We saw Rocky the Musical, and Andy Karl was STELLAR.  I've never been so happy to have a fist in my face.  Been such a fan since '05.  The production was absolutely fabulous, and it didn't get as many Tony nominations as it should have.  GO SEE IT.  There is nothing more inspirational.  Never been so proud to be a Philly girl, too!  I have to get Gonna Fly Now among Rocky's soliloquy songs on my iPod already.  It's at the TKTS discount booth and there are discounts on broadwaybox.  Don't miss this!  I wish it a decent run.

I don't have any exciting pix from this one (it was late, and Katy Perry was at the show so there was plenty of backstage action), but I had to include it to encourage you all to go to my holy place of worship.

We saw Cabaret the next day.  The '98 revival has been revived after 10 years with Alan Cumming and Michelle Williams.  Alan was the original and definitive Emcee in this production, and he and Michael C Hall were the only two I didn't see (I saw the show 45 times beginning in late 2000).  I got myself all dolled up for the very first time.  I used to go to the show with bad hair, dye stained rock t-shirts, and jeans.  I used to be a terminally single retail bitch who was still finishing college and taking care of her parents.  Now, I'm married, in a much better job, and things are definitely much different on the family front.  This picture reflects just how much my life has changed, and I wept from the moment I stepped into the theatre.  Remember, I have lyrics from the song Maybe This Time tattooed on my back.  I don't take this stuff lightly.

On the left was our first anniversary.  On the right was our second.  20 lbs down on the left, just about 50 lbs down on the right.  It's kind of mind blowing.  Even my legs are throwing me...like one of our friends said last fall, "Dem gams!" but I don't think it truly hit me till this picture.  It also helps to have retro 1950's flair. :-)

I'm home.

I'm really excited for May.  I'm eating veggies with every meal, I'm going to be getting back into running (?!?!) once I put that pink axe down...I hope to start reaching more milestones soon!  Like Yoda said, "Do or do not, there is no try."  Damn right, jedi master.