The Never-ending Paranoia, or An Afternoon with my Grandmother

Sunday was Easter, which means family get-together.  I have barely any blood relatives left, and only my maternal grandmother lives nearby.  My husband has a big family, and his mom's side are all local.  His parents asked if we wanted to bring my grandmother and have Easter at their house with his brother and his girlfriend.  Sounds good, less driving, less leftovers to tempt me in our house.  We've gotten together for a few holidays by this point, so it's a lot more relaxed.  I was pretty much breezing through the weekend.  

Until it came time to pick out my outfit.

I'm going to admit right now that part of the stress was because I hadn't kept up on the laundry and I should have figured this out the night before.  I started trying on outfits with an hour to spare.  I asked my husband to come upstairs so he could tell me whether or not it would be an outfit my nan would judge.

(Please let me emphasize that she's actually a smart, hard working, sassy, hilarious woman with a huge heart.  This is just a bitching post.)  

Yes, this is something I always worry about anymore.  And this is another topic for another day, but she helped contribute to my adolescent weight gain by letting me eat whatever I wanted when she was watching me on the weekends.  She had a weight problem herself (it's part of the reason my SOB grandfather left her).  My grandparents made my mother paranoid about her weight and the way she looked, and she in turn passed that on to me.  I used to do the most ridiculous things in high school as I would yank on my thighs and do exercises in my room from Seventeen magazine and sit in front of the mirror in shorts so I could make sure cellulite didn't show.  As I gained weight into my 20s, I wore big ugly clothes and didn't know how to flatter my size.  When I started watching What Not to Wear, I had the revelation that clothes that fit well make you look better!  But I come from the family that insists that baggy loose clothing of the Dorothy Zbornak collection will hide your weight.

I used to panic about how I looked in front of my husband's family.  Now, I don't worry so much.  They are very athletic and slender people, and they are very supportive of my lifestyle change and weight loss.  It took 40 pounds and me opening my mouth for my grandmother to start making any positive comments.  Those comments were mostly along the line of "you're shaping up well."  I'll take it, ok?

When my fashion choices started veering into the dress territory, my grandmother suddenly had a lot of opinions.  My wedding time period was torture.  She still bitches about the dress I wore to my wedding shower.  Look, I know it wasn't the most flattering, and my spanx were obviously showing in pictures.  And yes, my ripples could not be tamed.

I get it, ok?  It really wasn't the best purchase, but I thought it was cute and reminiscent of the Julia Roberts horse racing dress in Pretty Woman.  But stop freakin' bringing it up!!  I also wore a cute red dress to the rehearsal dinner.  Once again, it was around the same length, and she kept whispering at me how she didn't like the dress and how I should not be wearing stuff like that.  Then I got all decked out in my wedding dress the next day (and I don't need to post pix, you've seen plenty if you follow this blog), and she never once told me I looked beautiful or pretty.  And she had ample time to do so.  I was never so hurt by her.  I think she said something during our first dance (yes, I did a grandmother-granddaughter dance to Here Comes the Sun as my parents have passed), but that was it.

I was more worried about my outfit this past Sunday than I was about cooking the main course.  I ended up wearing one of my new dresses (despite knowing it would be a casual atmosphere) and broke every rule of hers:

-My hair was pulled back (and it desperately needs a trim).

-My arms were showing with no cover-up.

-The dress was just above the knees.

-No makeup as always.

-Every single one of my tattoos were showing (at least she didn't notice my new one).

And I think I looked adorable.

I ended up spending most of my time in the kitchen so I could do the ham (seriously, my recipe is amazing) and so I could chat with my mother-in-law since it had been awhile.  My nan was cool with that, she's very social and adaptable.  But she managed to attack me for my physical behavior three times.

1.  I bent over to pet the dogs.  Yes, I would have squatted if anyone else was in the room, but no one else was there.  Of course I had to get snapped at with the hand motion that you can see right up my dress.

2.  She was standing in the kitchen doorway while my husband was there.  I had to bend over to open the oven and manipulate the heavy pot, and of course I had to hear about the back of my skirt again.  I gave up and just let my husband and mother-in-law handle that part.

3.  Later, I was sitting behind the end of the counter.  My mother-in-law was in front with her back to me.  I had my left leg crossed over kind of lazily.  I'm not stupid....if someone came around, I would have dropped my leg.  My grandmother magically appeared in the doorway and told me with hand motions yet again to uncross my leg.  I ended up snapping at her, and I really feel bad that my mother-in-law had to witness that (though she pretended like it wasn't even happening).  

I was spared for the rest of the night, but I was so self-conscious.  I know how to not flash the goods, despite what those wedding shower spanx pictures show (for the record, I had my legs together as tightly as possible that day.)  

All my nan kept talking about on the way home was how she's made an effort to clean up her mouth to be a better person.  She's converted to Catholicism and just had to do penance on Holy Thursday.  She emphasized how ladies just sound awful when they talk like sailors, especially the older they get.  She went on about how her mother would have been so disappointed in her.

Mind you, I have a potty mouth around those I'm comfortable with, but I also know how to NOT SPEAK LIKE A SAILOR, OK I GOT THE HINT.  

I don't need to be told how to be a "proper lady," whatever the fuck that is.

I know she's 85 and stuck in her ways and ideas about etiquette and how women should act and look.  I know I should just ignore it and brush it off my shoulders.  

But when she's pretty much the only blood family member I have left, it's kind of hard to do that.  Especially when she started sounding exactly like my mother.  Oh man am I glad it's a therapy week.  

If we have a child, I don't want to give him or her any of my body confidence issues.  I want to get healthy and fit now so I could be an active and fun mother who doesn't worry about her looks in front of her child.  But at the same time, I'm afraid that what I knew and grew up with will slip out.  I know it's a common fear.

I just wish that I didn't feel like a nervous 15 year old at 33 years old.  I wish I could just "let it go," but there's often that innate need to "please" your parent.  I hate how I feel like a defensive child when she's around.  I love her so much, but she's driving me crazy.  I want to feel comfortable and excited about my weight loss without hearing someone say, "Good, you have to do it while you're young or you'll never get rid of the stomach."  Thanks, I had no idea.  Sigh.

Anyone else have family members that constantly nitpick about the stupidest things in regards to your appearance?

The Pink Axe: Hold on to Your F@%$#n Hat.

It's been a few months, and it's quite obvious that I'm a (mostly) open book.  Let's talk about that fun topic that most women have to go through for about 40 years or so of their lives.  Men, you might want to take to cover, unless you're interested in what we really feel like for a week every month.

PERIOD
MENSTRUATION
SURFING THE CRIMSON WAVE
TOM (TIME OF MONTH) (the common term online)
PINK AXING IT (see below video)
GETTING GRAMMATICAL (as I said in college)
YOUR INDISPOSITION (as my trainer says in an adorably Victorian way)

All ladies go through it at some point in their lives.  Many of us got embarrassed when we first bought pads or tampons in our teens, but really...it's biological!  I don't profess to be an expert or anything, and I know there are many ways that women avoid their periods, get them erratically, or no longer get them whether temporarily or permanently.  We're all different, but I would venture to say that biologically born women have gone through menstruation during some point in their lives.

It kinda sucks.  You can choose your own way of dealing with it (pads, tampons, diva cup, skipping the placebo pill week and going right to the next pill pack, heating pads, Ibuprofen, Midol, chocolate, salty snacks, movies or tv that will make you really mad or sad no matter what the genre is, hiding in bed, lazing)-  all of those methods are valid.

You know what an excellent method is?

Exercise.

Before you say, F off and why the hell would I want to do that, just know that I said the same thing for 21 years.  I read all the pamphlets that encouraged gentle exercise and movement during your cramps and period, and I just smirked and tossed them aside.  Last year on a whim, I went to the gym on the first day of my period and jogged and walked on the treadmill.  I left the gym feeling less pressure on my abdomen.

I realized the meaning of my legs feeling "strained" when I was younger.  I wasn't active and I was retaining salt!  This was such an eye opener for me, and I'm a little embarrassed it took me so long to realize this.  My legs feel heavy pain when I eat too much salty food (my downfall).  Lots of water and moderate exercise takes down the bloat and really does relieve menstrual pain.  My trainer always wants to know where I'm at during the month because she adjusts my exercises (who the hell wants to spread their legs on a hip abductor machine during that time?) to fit my body's needs.

I tended to blame a lot of weight gain on the TOM when I was bloated.  But let's think about this- I PMS for a good week beforehand (especially if I'm not taking my pill on time or am eating poorly).  Then I have to go through the indisposition for 5 days.  That's HALF THE MONTH that I'm blaming stagnant weight on period bloat.  That shouldn't be!  I should only really be fluctuating for a week.  My trainer always says as long as I eat and exercise well that I will shed that water weight and then some after the period.  But I can't keep depending upon that "final shed" for my numbers!  Consistency will take down my cramps and exercise will help my blood flow, flexibility, endorphins, and numbers.

This is all great in theory and empowering, but face it, who really thinks that practically when you feel like a baby beluga is floating in your stomach and you would stab someone in the eyes for Taco Bell?

Let's watch the greatest Saturday Night Live commercial of all time, penned by Tina Fey.

My husband painted a fake axe pink.  It's chipping, but I love it.

I figured it would be more fun to see the evolution of PMS into the crimson wave in gif form.  

First comes the overwhelming sads.  And you can't explain why.

Then the frustration kicks in because you realize why you feel like ass.

The couch or bed seems like a magical kingdom when you're stuck at work.

And then the rage kicks in.

The only thing to calm down this rage is delicious food that is so very bad for you.

But then you realize mid-bite, wait- I should be responsible and healthy!  Exercise, here I come!

You expect this...

But it looks more like this...

Why would you want to move when there's an aquarium in your stomach and a uterus with a grudge?

And then it finally comes.  Finally.  It's cleansing and freeing and keeps you in touch with your body's clock, even though it's a pain in the ass.

What do we say to the one week of the month that threatens to turn us into feral animals?

And then you feel kind of badass.  Like Steven Tyler once said, "If men bled, tampons would be free."

But when it comes down to it, this would be preferable.

March Progress & Wrap Up

Well, this month is going to be a little different as my jeans are in the laundry (and I'm lazy) and I kept forgetting to yank them out and have my husband take the traditional pictures.  But, I think I have an even better comparison shot.  It may be from 4/2, but that's ok!

This is how you bring 80s brightness to the office!  This is my new Old Navy XL dress that fits nicely, but I decided to detract from the tummy with my awesome zebra belt.  Gray tights with popping hot pink flats and most of my back tat being shown made me feel so good that day.  I've been learning that when I dress cutely that I'm more productive and not such a lump.  Witness yesterday's dress:

I call this my 98% Zooey Deschanel outfit (I just didn't make my bangs chunky).  Elephant dress with black tights and flats?  Ding ding ding, I am officially ready to go on the Bein' Quirky With Zooey Deschanel talk show! 

(P.S., the dress is from the plus section at Forever 21, and so adorable that I can't even stand it. Elephants are my spirit animal.)

I've gotten so many compliments these past couple days.  I've joked and said, "Yes this is the Jekyll part of my wardrobe, you've seen Hyde for far too long!"  But I truly feel better when I look nice.  I love dresses and skirts so much and I can't believe that I can fit into even more than I realized now.  Modcloth is going to be a dangerous website for me.

Let's do some numbers:

March weight loss:  about 1 pound

Total weight loss:  48 pounds

So what happened?

I didn't exercise much.  I was in a funk for parts of the month (thanks, vertigo), and I just wasn't making the best choices with my eating.  But suddenly I could fit into old clothes and buy new smaller sizes...my body was adjusting even while the numbers didn't move.

I went to the gym on my own for the first time in ages on Wednesday.  It hurt a bit and was slower, but I felt good once I finished that mile and a quarter.  I have a few ideas for blog posts that I'd like to do this month.  I've also started contributing recipes to this great new amateur food enthusiast website called Sfamo (you can find it on all sorts of social media as well).  I think that hobby will get me to start saving money and calories by learning to enjoy the kitchen and experimenting.    

This is our 2 year wedding anniversary month (last month was 6 years together, aw!), and I plan on being fabulous when we go to the city to celebrate.  

A few more pictures from this month...

PSYCHED to go see Veronica Mars on opening day (I was a first day backer, baby!).  Also psyched that I could squeeze into the ladies cut XL.  Well, I did need a sweater to cover the handles, but I was showing off my girl that day!!

The typical bathroom selfie.  This is not the most flattering shirt but it looks better than last year by far.  This is also the point in the month that my trainer pointed out how you can see my "cape," or the area of my upper body from the shoulders/collarbone/above the chest.  I'm sure there's a better way to describe it, but I see what she means in this picture.  Maybe that's an old school term she's using?  I dunno.

I don't have to tilt the camera for selfies anymore.

Straight forward!

And just because it's fun, a couple more shots from the one bridesmaid's dress that is a sheet on me now.

So, April's goals?  Get back into cardio already!  The weather's nicer and this is the time last year when I realized I could actually jog.  I just discovered that the Hedwig and the Angry Inch songs "Exquisite Corpse," "Wig In a Box (reprise)" and "Midnight Radio" are the perfect songs to wrap up a jog with.  I've never run as fast as when I was listening to John Cameron Mitchell sing:

"Oh god

I'm all sewn up

A hardened razor-cut

Scar map across my body

And you can trace the lines

Through Misery's design

That map across my body."

New Broadway playlist, coming up!  This is going to be the month of theatre and cardio.

27 Dresses, or 80s STYLE MONTAGE!

I always used to joke that I was turning into Katherine Heigl's character in the movie 27 Dresses.  I'd been in 4 weddings before my own, and then I was a bridesmaid 2 months after that.

Do we really need an excuse to gaze upon James Marsden?  No, no we do not.

I got lucky though, as my brides had good taste (and I'd like to think I was kind to my ladies with their choice of holly green short dresses).  Funny enough, I had the same style dress for the first two weddings, just in different colors.  Ha!  It always puzzled me why women would purposely have ugly bridesmaid dresses.  You're the bride, you're not going to be upstaged by anybody!  And then you'll have orange meringue poofs in your pictures forever!

Now that I'm down so many inches, I was curious about how I fit into these dresses again, including my own wedding dress!  I was also inspired by my friend B who just shared an amazing "after" picture in an old bridesmaid's dress.  I'm about the same weight that I was for the 2009 dresses, but my body is shaped differently.  This was a very interesting experiment!  I also found my old prom dresses, but that experiment won't be for a year or two.

My husband put on some 80s training montage music and snapped a bunch of pictures as I twirled and pouted and flounced with no spanx, messy hair and obvious bra straps.  I'm obviously getting more comfortable in my own skin!

Wedding Number 1:  April 28, 2007

Then:

Now:

I actually kinda love this now!!  I didn't have sass the first time.

Wedding Number 2:  October 4, 2009

Then:

Now:

This one was a bit tighter, but I was also 15 pounds smaller then.  Still, I felt much more confident with my body this time.

Wedding Number 3: October 31, 2009

Then:

Now:

Lucky that I just wore this a few weeks ago!  The waist is so much better now, which is funny because this was a couple weeks after the last wedding.  (It was a Halloween themed wedding in case that wasn't perfectly obvious.)

Wedding Number 4:  October 10, 2010

Then:

Now:

My boobs were a lot bigger then, but my belly's a lot smaller now.  I was 20-22 lbs heavier at that wedding.

Wedding 5:  July 22, 2012

Then:

Now:

Holy. Shit.  That was 48 pounds ago.  That dress is falling right off me.  AMAZING.

MY WEDDING!!  April 28, 2012

Then:

Now:

The wedding was 41 pounds ago.  Now the petticoat is falling off and the dress is so loose that it can be scooched all around.  Craziness.  What a feeling.

I treasure the memories and pictures with my friends and loved ones and was honored to be a part of their respective special days. I love my own wedding pictures and am finally getting around to making the album. But it truly feels so good to know that I'm on my way to getting into that blazing hot senior prom dress!