Reality Check

Well, I'm at over 6000 views for this blog and I have nearly 400 followers on my Facebook page. I've said from day 1 that I'm going to be honest and open, and I feel like I would be cheating you guys from the true journey if I selectively omitted parts.

I got blood work done 3 weeks ago. They must have been backed up because I only just got the results today. Turns out my cholesterol is trending up. The HDL and triglycerides are good, but the overall number and LDL are borderline. Nothing a high fiber diet and veggies can't fix, but there's more to it than that.

I've worked so hard to lower my borderline cholesterol over the years. My last blood work was well over a year ago, but it was perfect. I'm so mad that I allowed everything to derail. It may not have been over the space of these 3 months, but what if it was. What if my body swiftly begins a downfall when I'm not mindful and hardly exercise or eat barely any veggies and consider lettuce and tomato in fast food to do the trick?

3 months.

Stress and depression is a beast in my body. I've also learned that I will really have to keep tracking and exercising when maintaining a weight. Sounds like a big duh, I know.  The thing is, I know exactly what I have to do to keep my body healthy. Executing this process can be tricky when I'm having a really difficult time. I absolutely despise that I let my emotions swallow me whole during a stressful time.

This year is about reclaiming myself. I am infuriated at the things going on in my life and my reaction to them. Taco Bell and chips don't solve everything. My husband tells me I need to exercise more, to write out all my emotions, to meditate, to drink my smoothies again. He's so right.

I can still wear sweaters and my size 16 jeans. But I have to stop this downfall or I won't be able to button them. I can still feel my collarbone, but I also feel too much neck. My rings are still loose and my feet still bony, but my belly feels so heavy.  Lethargy feels like ass.

I need to make this public to hold myself accountable.  I felt AMAZING on October 25, 2014. I want to feel this way again ASAP. It's completely doable. My stress should have a big layer lifted by the end of February, but naturally that's not happening without bumps in the road.

I love the way I feel when I eat well. This grease is making me sick. I miss jogging as well. I hate holding myself back from things I enjoy because it takes a couple steps more effort.  I don't want to be that lazy person anymore.

I've come too far to give this all up. I'm better than that. This may not be the speediest journey, but damn if it's not realistic and educational for me!

Revelations and Confidence

I've learned a lot about myself over the past few days.  I've done some very personal writing, I've gone on a job interview, and I've eaten reasonably within my calories, even during super bloat week.

The personal writing that I shared among a limited audience inspired friends to come share some personal and raw things with me.  It feels good to know that people feel comfortable enough to come talk to me about things of that nature.  I felt terrible to know that there are so many things that we as humans suffer in silence, and that's a big reason why I'm such an open book with my blogging.  

I was offered the job, but I turned it down.  When I found out what the position was in this interview, I started getting very stressed to the point that my vertigo came back in waves yesterday.  I've had a bit here and there today as well.  Thank goodness for the meds.  They called and offered the position to me this morning.  Though I'm not having the easiest time at my current job, this other job was way too stressful and the little bit of extra money I would have made probably would have gone straight to extra therapy after getting screamed at all day by customers in a micromanaged environment.  I learned what my stress limit is.  While things are far from perfect right now, it's a paycheck with benefits.  I can find a position more suited to me.  It will just take perseverance and work which I am willing to do.  I learned I don't just have to "jump" and be miserable.  If I wasn't employed, I would have taken it, but right now I am lucky enough to be more choosy.

The scale numbers are creeping slowly back to the 48 pound mark.  I just have to watch my sodium intake.  However, my strength is really developing, and I'm doing things I never imagined possible.  I had my husband take this video a week ago at the gym.  

It may be 5 pull-ups that aren't especially strong, but I'm still doing them.  On Tuesday, I did 3 reps of 5.  That was astonishing.  I just bought clothes at Forever 21.  I dressed up in my Mrs Lovett costume this past weekend that I had originally worn when I was 15 pounds smaller (and a lot bulkier in my mid-section).  

It is amazing to see the changes happening to my body, and I'm so proud.

I am capable of so much.  I don't have to settle for second best or just give up if I don't succeed the first time out.  I can take control of my life.  I CAN DO THIS.