MFP Week Challenge: Day 1

Today, I announced on my Facebook page that I would do my own personal challenge for a week.  I will be publicly holding myself accountable for my choices all week since I'm having a hard time getting back on track.  Life has been slowly turning around since mid-February, yet I can't manage to get myself into a routine.  I always find some kind of excuse or distraction to keep myself from making a breakfast smoothie, a healthy lunch with snacks, a constant water bottle and exercise.  Let's not even get into how much laundry and cleaning I need to do...

As I wrote about recently, I used to print out my MyFitnessPal diary pages for my trainer to read while I walked the treadmill.  She would give me advice, ask if I felt full during low-protein meals, and talk about my snack choices.  We got to the point that I knew exactly what to do, and I didn't need her guidance.  Then October 2014 happened, and I've been on a slow downward spiral ever since.  I'm lucky that I can see her again, thanks to the extreme fortune of being employed again.
I don't have many excuses anymore as my commute is next to nothing and my gym is right around the corner.  Aside from lingering mind-blowing family stress, I should be ready to start respecting my body again.  But I just can't get into a routine or start a to-do list.  And then the food comfort becomes a warm blanket that I turn to when I'm stressed.  Note the Taco Bell I immediately picked up last week after having to drive a total of 2 1/2 hours after work to deal with aforementioned family stress.
I've been eating well over 500 calories past my goal every day.  I haven't been tracking MFP faithfully at all.  I haven't been drinking enough water, plain hot tea, or my smoothies.  My veggies are almost non-existent again.  My skin is kinda gross, and my face is puffing up.  I can still fit into my clothes, but they just don't feel right.  I don't feel right.  And I'm sick of it.

So friends, I'm swinging my leg over the horse.  I still have work to do with re-balancing my diet and creating a habit.  My trainer says it takes 22 days to make a habit.  I will be publicly sharing for a week, but I think it will really be the push I need to keep doing this on my own every day.  I want energy back, I want to feel healthy, and I don't want to feel so heavy.  I know I'm not, but it's like all my tone disappeared.  So it's time to get my diet back in shape so I can really start kicking ass at the gym in May.

I actually made my smoothie this morning.  Since I had minimal ingredients, it reminded me how much I hate overly sweet fruity drinks.  Spinach will be used in full force tomorrow!  And of course, look at my super cute new drinkware!

I got the Harley Quinn tumbler at FYE.  I love her and I love the fact that the icky looking green will be covered up.  The Ello glass has a handle, is BPA free, and has a protective silicone sleeve.  I got it at Wal-Mart by the recommendation of my best friend.  Both are 20 ounces, and both had me running to pee all morning,  It sounds crazy, but I missed that.  I also remembered to take my multivitamin, something I've been slacking on doing.

April 27, 2015

I'd say today was a really successful start.  Some things I noticed:

-I absolutely need more protein in my smoothies, and I normally make them that way.  However, I had that Jamba Juice bag in the freezer for awhile and wanted to finally try it.  I will never use juice again and will be going back to almond milk and a tablespoon of peanut butter tomorrow.  I was starving by 11:30, and they used to hold me till nearly 1 pm.  This made me want to snack more in the afternoon.

-Lunch was great.  I love tuna and ricotta together (it's a creamier cottage cheese, don't judge), and that was my first time trying those tortilla chips.  I really enjoyed them; they had a sweet nutty taste and went great with the guacamole.  I can see making those a regular option in my lunches.

-I need something low calorie but substantial for a snack now.  Looks like I'm going back to string cheese and an apple! I was a little hangry by dinner, and I can practically hear my trainer saying it's because I had so much sweetness in the morning.  

-Dinner was awesome.  Qdoba is the lowest fat option for burrito bowls in this area.  I love Chipotle and Moe's, but Qdoba is closer to me and lighter on the calories/fat.  

  

-I was full but still had that craving for something sweet.  I KNOW!  But I didn't want to shock my body too fast, and now I don't have the urge to snack on anything.  Baby steps guys, baby steps.

The Self-Deprecation Trap and Why I Love Lena Dunham

I saw a friend today whom I haven't seen since Halloween.  As he hugged me, he exclaimed over how much weight I've lost and how he's been following this blog on Facebook.  I kinda brushed it off with a laugh while saying, "Well yeah, I'm just getting really self-involved all over the internet!"

I thought for a few seconds and took that statement back.  "No...I'm not being self-involved.  Why on earth did I just say that?"  He affirmed that I was being silly with the previous statement.

If I may act like Carrie Bradshaw for a moment, I couldn't help but wonder...why do women often tend to downplay or brush off their accomplishments?

I have talked about this with a few friends over the year, and I hated that my low self-esteem made me automatically joke about how I'm navel-gazing and focusing too much on myself.  Why wouldn't I want to better myself?  Why would I consider this to be embarrassing and immodest?

My trainer told me months ago that I'm going to have to start taking compliments gracefully.  I tend to be one of those people who go "Oh no no no" when someone gives me a nice compliment rather than saying "Thank you so much, that's very kind."  I'm working on that.  At least I was able to recognize my behavior today and laugh about it with a good friend.  And the funny thing is, I normally wouldn't get modest around this friend.  I'd usually go for a high-five and a big YEAAH!  I felt like I had to defend my choices for some reason, perhaps because I just posted those unflattering pictures of my stomach in the purple tank top.  And of course, I had to start making jokes about that.

Damn.  Good thing I still see my therapist.

I feel confident over doing these blog posts and freed by the pictures I've been posting.  Yet, I know the internet can be a nasty place where people rip apart pictures of ladies who aren't "perfect," especially when they're overweight.  I'm sure I'll see some comments in the future (that will immediately be deleted), and I'm sure there are some people out there now who think I'm being too open.  But I feel like there needs to be pictures of a fat woman working hard on losing weight in order to become curvy and fit.  I want to show women in similar situations that they're not alone.

I don't like seeing memes where it says that only "real women" have curves and that skinny girls need to eat a sandwich.  I believe we're all real women with different shapes and features and should be celebrated as such.  I just don't like when people push to get to an unhealthy and impossible body standard.  There are many unrealistic images in Hollywood and a lot of airbrushing and Photoshop going on in the media.

I love Lena Dunham, and I think her nudity on Girls is a very important statement.  I know people get annoyed over how often she disrobes, but I doubt they would be complaining if Allison Williams was eating cupcakes naked in the tub or if Zosia Mamet was the one playing naked ping pong with Patrick Wilson.  Dunham just recently had to defend herself during a Girls Season 3 press conference about her constant nudity:

"It's a realistic expression of what it's like to be alive.  If you are not into me that's your problem and you are going to have to kind of work that out."  

Dunham is hardly overweight.  She looks like any girl you'd pass on the street and has no problems showing off areas with some jiggle or cellulite.  She is not a perfect hourglass and she has really questionable choices in clothing (both in real life and as her character Hannah).

Hannah looked so cute in the first season...

I totally got her when Adam was getting her to exercise (and love the worn out clothes!)

And then she began regressing to shorteralls, rompers, and just anything tight and unflattering in the second season...

I'm sorry, I hate the outfit (WHERE ARE YOUR POCKETS?!), but I did not find the Patrick Wilson episode to be unrealistic or that Lena just hired him because she "could."

Basically, Lena hates pants in both fictional and real life.

She looks gorgeous when styled properly.  I could see myself wearing this outfit.

Lena Dunham stands up for all the "average sized" girls and allows herself to be exposed and vulnerable all over cable and the media.  Many criticize Hannah as a Brooklyn hipster or a "special snowflake," a term I've seen on many message boards, but I really don't mind those quirks  As Hannah, she falls into both the navel gazing and self-deprecation traps, and while I don't always agree with her choices, I respect the fact that she is trying to grow as a person for herself and no one else.  

I'm not trying to compare what I'm doing on this blog to what Lena Dunham does in Hollywood, but she's unknowingly encouraged me to start developing a thicker skin and to be unafraid of body criticism.  Anyone who sits and trolls on the internet has no life anyway.  I still haven't answered my Carrie Bradshaw musing, but I hope to find more answers as I work on accepting compliments and building my confidence in every area of my life.